Day 84 - Feel Fantastic!

Have returned from my market research music night. Blimey we earned our money tonight!!!! There were 750 quick snippets of music from past to present day. We had to comment on whether we hated the song, knew it through to loving it. At first it was great, after hours I was sick to death of music. A few tracks made me smile or almost cry due to the associations they had. There was no fear of having to negotiate the buffet either as no time or inclination at break time. Anyway, that's £30 towards the clothes fund.

Got home about 10pm, and David said he had not long get home with the girls (now sleeping in bed). After Olivia's swimming lesson he decided to take them out for a drive and ended up at Gunthorpe. Who should shout him as they began to walk but his sister, hubby and their youngest daughter on their boat. They bought a second hand one over a year ago, and we still had not been to see it! David said they all climbed aboard and the girls had a great time.

I feel today has been a really really brill day and wish it could be like this more often. (Not sure if it's about my attitude). I took the girls to the play centre in Derby ..... they all loved it, I felt relaxed and I didn't even get lost to/from. It struck me today how different Olivia and Ella are. It used to be so painful taking Olivia anywhere like that as she would cling to one of us. Ella arrived, took her shoes off and was happy to wander off around the play equipment with or without her sister and their friend. She would pop back occasionally like the others for a drink and the loo. I could see them all playing. I felt like I enjoyed being a mum today and felt that was what it was all about. We arrived at 11am and did not leave until 3.30pm. As David said earlier, they have all had value for money out of today. Hopefully will enjoy the creche, maybe a trip to the library and aunty visit tommrow just as much.

To add to my happines, opened my emails and have a reply about a possible placement that I will need to do if I apply for a counselling course to start 2008. She has asked me to contact the manger of placements early next week and arrange to meet him with a view to the said placement 2008. How brill is that, not in the bag of course but at least they want to see me. I then thought about the extra hours I have agreed to do at work and have told myself once again if I can only get on a course which is in the week, I will do it and sod the extra cash. I have wanted to pursue this forever and will do what it takes.

I feel so happy, in control and clear of where I want to go I am tearful again. Is it my hormones? the only fly (a small one anyway) is that I fleetingly wonder what is going to happen in my perfect life to knock me back to reality. I am not dwelling but it is my nature to be 'The Worse Case Scenario Women'. It's not always obvious to the outside world, but I just like to be prepared.

Getting a bit deeper now .........

I think it stems back to loosing a number of key family members, including my mum and the equivalent to my dad in a short space of time at a young age. I distinctly remember telling myself in the funeral car for my mum that nothing and nobody would ever be as bad as this day/time in my life. I vowed to refuse to let anybody in to be hurt like that again. Don't get me wrong I had and do have positive relationships with people after that point. I just had that period as a measure of unhappiness. Not sure anybody reading will get this, but here goes. I love David with everything, however I have worse case scenarioed him not being in my life one way or another many times. I wish to stress I want him in my life and is my soul mate, but ....... I have already calculated I would survive. However the only people I could not safeguard myself from the hurt would be Olivia and Ella.

OK, not ending on that note.

Back to the playcentre. Last time I was there I was FAT. This time I was slimmer and felt normal again like like commented in a previous post. So much so, If I lost sight of any of them I jumped on the equipment and ran around like the other parents. He He, who cares if my bum looks big in this, it's nolonger the biggest!

Night Folks xx

Day 83 - Excellent Salsa!

Truly is a quick post tonight as already 10.30pm and will need my wits about me as another day of school holidays with Olivia, Ella and One of their friends in the morning to face!

Had a really good Salsa class tonight and learnt even more moves. After the class she left the music on for anybody to have a bit more practice. Tonight I was assertive and grabbed a man to do a bit more dancing with. Not sure we are a match made in heaven, me being 5 ft 2 and him being somewhere in the sky but we managed to make it work.

I took the girls to Sherwood Forest today to see the Major Oak. I thought it would be good despite the weather so they could run about freely without me telling them they are close to a busy road. Had over 1 1/2 hour walk with them, although Ella would hop into the pram when her little legs hurt. Olivia remarked that we were getting good exercise and seemed to enjoy that fact (they are doing healthy eating/exercise at school). Nevertheless both had a sleep on the way back as worn out.

Tomorrow I will be taking them to a play centre in Derby. It's great there as I have a full view of where they are from the adult seating area and they can't get out so am looking forward to perhaps drinking plenty of coffee, water and reading some magazines. MMMM, bliss. We will stay for lunch, do a bit more play then get home. Olivia then has swimming at 6pm so I hope I don't hear moaning about being bored!!!!!

I will be helping with some market research Thursday night for a few hours. David and I have done a few things before. Once you are on the list they call you maybe a few times a year. Last time I had to comment on a new Aunt Bessie product in terms of the marketing campaign (no tasting). The adverts are currently on. You know the frozen scones and other cakes which you put in the oven. I think one of the adverts are two show home agents baking some. The time before that I had to comment on financial products for Co-op. David has had to comment on pre-packed Sandwiches before.

On Thursday I have been told I will be listening to some music for a few hours, with a break in between. There is always a buffet, alcohol and anybody who helps gets paid. This time it's £30. Previous times it's usually £40 plus. Will add the cash to the clothes fund.

See you soon, too tired now and have another pack to go yet.

Perhaps a choc one made into a mouse .......... who needs Cadbury's Melted Dairy Milk anyway?

Sam xxx

Day 81 - Cadbury's World!

Thanks for the so supportive comments on my BLOG. It has really made me smile and feel a warm glow. Reading and posting with you all has made a huge difference to the overall package of getting rid of my weight, and hopefully keeping it off! I will get around to photos when have selected some as well as some vital statistics as I know it helps me to keep motivated seeing how well we can do dieting.

We all went to Cadbury's World today, and only just home. Had a great time although it was heaving with people. I think it's an excellent idea booking you time slot on the tour, otherwise it would be so unknown how long you would have to wait for everything as well as availability. The only downside was that you had to queue for almost everything! Not always for a long time, but that became a little boring. On the other side it was well organised and once you had paid to get in (cost us £41 - Ella was free and also bought an activity book for Olivia and a brochure about Cadbury's) technically you did not need to pay anymore if took a packed lunch. Anybody looking for a day out for the family or friends, I certainly recommend it as long as you are not a choco-holic. I commented to David that if we were going to Kebab World I would of been in trouble!

http://www.cadburyworld.co.uk/en/cworld

For those of you who have not been, at almost every turn you are given loads of free chocolate as well as being offered a small cup of melted milk chocolate with the option to add different sweets and flavours. David had sports mixtures and milk chocolate , while the girls had a cup of choc on its own each. I was not sure what I was going to do as the time approached to get them, but it all happened so fast, I removed myself from the queue and helped the girls. I did not get one. They smelt lovely, just like a school cookery lesson when you make rice crispy cakes and melt the large slab of chocolate over the bowl of hot water. To be honest a really comforting smell as I loved school.

While we queued for the main exhibition and tour around the site, David and the girls were happy eating. Olivia asked me if I wanted to try it? Again, I did reason it out in my mind and had a lick of a spoon of chocolate. It was delicious, but I left it at that. Rather than feeling like I have failed for trying it (But David did look at me with complete and utter shock, however he denies this!) I felt strangely confident, in control and clear headed. That said I would of loved more of the stuff and watched as both Olivia and Ella eventually put the remaining cup of soft milky chocolate in the bin, as quite rightly they had had enough. I know pre LL I would of finished them off as hate waste. Even 'Wasting' something did not tug at my heart strings as much as it did 11 weeks ago.

I was tested again when we went in the shop. Loads of offers, huge bars and novelty chocolates. I opted for a new key ring to remind me of the day rather than any chocolate to have when I am able to eat a little. I did debate it for a while, but I knew if I bought something it would just eat away at my brain as I knew it was exclusively for me until it had gone! Got a new flavour for a friend and David got a few things. The girls only wanted a Cadbury's sticker and off we went home. wallet and Purse lighter but feeling we had made the effort to take the girls out.

A success!

One issues I am less confident about was our stop off at a service station on the way back. It had a M & S so we got a selection of Sandwiches and snacks for the way home as would be too late for a meal when we got back to Nottingham. As I passed around the food to the rest of my family, my mind wandered to what would happen when I can eat? Olivia and ell did not like the SW we settled on, David did not want it either so it was wasted. I could of eaten it. It was a egg mayo and ham roll with lettuce. I looked at the food label during the drive back and noted it was low GI, only had about 330 calories and not too bad fat wise. It was marked as a healthy alternative, I was pleasantly surprised and commented to David. I did mention my fears about what I would do when I could eat, and said I would probably of eaten the sushi, but maybe this roll would of been OK. Man of few words is David, and he just said not to worry about it and that LL would let me know how I would manage this situation.

I know he is right, but my nature is impatient and I sort of want somebody to tell me that I will still be able to have a takeaway, eat out, visit friends and pick nice things of a holiday menu. I feel really frightened of the thought of being told in management that I can never do these things ever ever again. That said, I realise I cannot return to old eating habits and forget exercise once I am at goal. I love salad with protein, like the GI principles and hope I can return at least in part back to the Food Doctors/Ian Marber philosophy. Obviously most of us have tried the willpower method before, and one way or another it's not worked for me on a ongoing basis. I accept it's about making choices, I just hope I can do this forever.

I don't want to be negative at this leg of the race, but I am only posting what I have felt to a greater or lesser extent through the program. The only difference now I have have 3 weeks left on foundation, and hopefully a small stint in development.

Off to bed now, David is back at work Tuesday but I am off with the girls all week. More activities to be had but hopefully a quieter one tomorrow to recover.

PS - had on a new pair of size 14 Jeans on today. Snug, but nevertheless on. As I wandered around today I felt like a normal wife & mum. Not the fat wife & mum who has let herself go! That felt good.

Night Night xx

Will catch up with you all Tuesday

Day 79 - Weigh Time & Reality!

Have lost 5 3/4 Lbs this week and of course chuffed as mint balls. As usual was expecting less than this, so am well on my way to the 4 Stone challenge I have set myself. I did well on my water, had all my packs bar one as too tired and enjoyed my exercise classes.

I may come back and post more later as hubby wants the computer, however wanted to report I have just had a tearful moment.

I had updated my ticker and it now says I have lost 22.6kg with 7.5kg to goal. Converting this on the computer says I have a little over 16lbs to go. I was explaining to David these calculations as we looked in the cupboard and found a 1.5kg bag of flour to try and get our heads around how much blubber has gone. Although to be fair David is probably well aware how big I looked previously!!!!

At this point David said I could be a goal in about 4 more weeks. I disagreed as had some weeks ago worked out I would need at least 4 weeks after Foundation, and I currently have 3 more weigh ins in my Foundation block. I then did the maths and realised to date I have tended to loose 14lbs every 4 weeks.

At this point my eyes filled up and I realised I am so close to goal (in comparison) I can quite literally taste it. I feel happy tearful now as I write this and just can't believe it. The crooked thought I am sure will arrive anytime now and say from this point on I will loose only 1lb a week for the next 16/17 weeks. Dam you Crooked thoughts.

OK, better go.

PS. I opted for the size 10 top from ASDA I bought yesterday ........ it only bloody fit and I felt fabulous. That said I am still based in reality as know if went to another shop, would not be able to get their size 10 over my ears!

Day 78 - Negative Comment!!!!!

Well, just had to post about this ........

Ella and I treated ourselves (OK it was for my benefit) to a look around our just opened ASDA clothes shop. Few items purchased for me including a size 12 T-Shirt which I am pleased to say fits and looks nice and a selection of swimwear and matching short (not sure!!!) skirt which you wear over the beach outfit. Of course the girls got a couple of new swimsuits so not to feel left out.

Anyway, as usual I digress.

I met a lady and her daughter on one of the isles who I have certainly not seen since LL, but could even be at least 6 months before that too. She said something along the lines of "By god, you've lost some weight". She then quickly asked if the loss was intentional (I believe she was checking whether I had been ill or not). Nevertheless pleased with the comment, I happily reported yes 3 Stone, with a bit more to go. She then said "You don't want to go too far, otherwise it will show in my face". She looked grave, as if I was about to die!!!!!!!!!! I reluctantley nodded at which point we parted.

How Rude!

In writing my tale, I realised a few things as I have thought about it over the day

1. That that particular women has only ever know me overweight. I met her at baby clinic when Olivia was a baby.
2. That I have not dwelled on this one negative today and thought about needing to eat food as that said comfort blanket
3. That it will be the first of hopefully not too many negative back handed compliments.

Over the week have had a few moments where I have convinced myself will not really loose any more weight to any significant level. Whats that about? LL has not failed me yet, it will come off. My BLOG says it, but my mind needs to catch up. I have convinced myself that I will not only not reach my 4 stone goal by the end of foundation, but that failing that I will be way off it!!!!!!!! I keep telling myself I have x4 Weigh In's left, it will be fine. However I am looking forward to getting weighed Saturday, but have not found my old pictures.

Better get looking

See Ya

Day 74 - Work!

Thanks for the lovely comments on my BLOG regarding failed hobbies, sick husbands, wedding dresses and my clear fetish for takeaway. You know, I never know it was that bad!!!!!!!

I thought I would just do a quick update as to my work proposition.

After much thought and discussion with both sets of friends (you know the ones who say try it and the others who say no way), as well as speaking to my colleagues who are currently in my old team, I have decided to give it a trial. Chris and Lesley Don't throw anything at your computers, I did listen to you and agree 100% life is far too short to run myself into the ground for somebody else benefit.

The balanced advice from Friend 1 who already has been doing the 9 day fortnight was give it a try. She made me see working at home one day a fortnight with Ella in tow does not mean chaining myself to a desk and ignoring her for 7.5 hours. Friend 2 who has children a similar age to me and has seen me do x4 days before I was a manager and what I do now advised me not to compromise on what I want. In particular I wanted my day off each fortnight to be Friday, and work at home the next one. I am currently off Thursday & Friday, all my PT working friends as well as Ella & Olivia's friends are off then too and we have established routines and links. Therefore I met with my boss, told her all my fears at ultimately being dumped on and expected to clear up the back log every week and being responsible for it. This is as well as some of the 'Personalities' involved too! I also told them my nursery can only offer Thursday as the extra day and why I wanted Friday too.

Job Done. The Friday seems to of been accepted, nursery can take the girls from 14/06/07 and all we need to agree are the ground rules of the work I will be undertaking.

Husbands is already looking concerned I will return in to monster career women again, but just like LL I will allay his fears by showing him I will either cope or pack it in. Now I have been on the other side of working every hour God sends, feeling stressed, having no energy or time for my family and friends ........ I will not allow it to happen again. Plus as stress is one of my many triggers to eat excessively to make myself feel better, I will not allow work to ruin my hard earned progress and opportunity to sort my life out.

Right, feel better now my mind is made up and off to bed to read a New, Crispy/untouched Magazine (another addiction of mine, but better than eating biscuits which happened to be calling at a particularly difficult meeting I attended this afternoon).

As a contingency, I will of course be relying on you all as well as my hubby to tell me if I suddenly am no longer upbeat!

Day 72 - Weigh In, Week 10!

Another week over and 3lbs gone! That' s a fraction over 44 LBS. I now have 4 weeks until the end of Foundation and would love to total a 4 Stone loss/56 LBS!

This week we looked at Instant Gratification (Wk 12, P128). I had already completed mine over the previous two weeks to try and keep me on the straight and narrow. We had to identify things we had Mastered during our lives, things we were currently trying to master and finally think of what has/does provide us with Instant Gratification. The latter will come as no surprise was generally eating something that perhaps may not of been the best choice for us. However it could be I suspect like any other addiction such as shopping, alcohol, drugs etc.

One thing which struck a cord was when my LLC talked about things we had given up before mastering in the past. Like most of us I had many things ... Karate, Playing the piano, Calligraphy and so it goes on. She went onto talk about rating the importance of those things from 1-10 (1 being no real importance right up to 10 being very important to us). I had always felt a bit of a failure for no longer doing those things, and others included which of course fed into my belief I can never stick at anything. This I know is untrue deep down, but it always seemed easier to reprimand myself for no longer being able to play the piano, that I am not a black belt in karate or even a master calligraphy who could illustrate. However I conveniently forget that I have mastered many things on an every day level like driving alone around the country, studied, passed and obtained employment after attending University, even passing beginners Salsa. Again I think this all fits with last weeks Action Plan I set to try a Kick Boxing class before the end of foundation. As I said, If I try it and dislike it this does not mean I have failed/can't stick to anything. It just means I have rated it quite low on my list of priorities and want to do other things.

Our homework for this week is to complete a Daily Diary of our everyday activities and define if it fits into Mastery, Pleasure or Instant Gratification. That should be interesting. Also we will get our before pictures if we want them and have agreed to bring in some old photos of ourselves to see how we have changed. I am quite eager to do the latter as have only quite recent ones of me. It would be good to look at them when I was younger and the honeymoon to see how fat or not I was!

The lady at goal has been to her first maintenance class this week, and may well join us in a few weeks time so she can still see us. This is good news for her but strange and sad for us as a group.

Also one of the ladies has returned from a holiday abroad and was pleased she stayed the same weight. She looks really well, has an all over tan instead of hiding behind a tankini and is back on track with full packs.

Right, see you soon

Sam xx

Day 71 - My Wedding Dress!

Just a quick post tonight as will be off to aerobics soon. To be honest I feel quite tired today and would normally be looking for some excuse not to go by now! I also went to Abs Blast this morning and we used the stability ball at the end. I can feel my sit up rate increasing, so am pleased done for the past 3 weeks.

To fill time between going out, I sorted a few more clothes out while the girls were happy playing in the play room next door. Not many small clothes left now, and the ones that are no longer appeal. I tried on a dress with a matching cardigan I wore pre-children fully expecting to still have more to loose to get into it. I can report it fits, and apart from my now wobbly tum which could be corrected with magic pants, looked great. I was gobbed smacked. I then eventually tried on my beautiful hand made wedding dress (made by Davids mum) and also to my shock that fit too. The top bodice was actually too big, while the skirt part fits just right. I had estimated that I was approx 11 stone when I got married, so this seems to fit in with that.

I also remember our honeymoon to Barbados and the variety of bikinis I wore, and I felt fit and healthy then. Yes I had my size hang ups, but I felt so at home there and I was positively small compared to some of the locals.

So here I am today, at the same weight as on my wedding day which was July 99. I Know since then, I have not been any smaller so am starting to feel the gravity of what I am actually achieving.

Part 2 - Back From Aerobics

Thought I would add a bit more, as I think I have realised something. On the way home I passed through the shops and the restaurants/takeaway shops seemed to stick out like beacons! They did earlier today too when the girls and I walked back from the dentist and library. My mind just kept thinking about whether I would ever be able to have a takeaway again, or if like an alcoholic I will have to spend the rest of my life (if I want to be slim) without any!!!!!! I hope so much the more logical option is I can have a takeaway, but in moderation.

Anyway, I think I realised why the desire to have one this week is so strong. It's because I have what feels like a hard week in terms of my stress/out of my comfort zone triggers. I would of made myself feel better in the past by eating, ordering in and no doubt some wine.

My triggers have been having to make up my mind about the job offer and looking at the implications for the family, having a poorly husband (two wisdom teeth out Tuesday, much blood, pain and swollen face), working on Thursday when should be my day off and juggling favours and childcare, having an admin day on Tuesday but not being as productive as I would of liked and so my admin mountain is still huge with no ideas when I could fit another in! To emphasise the point I found myself wandering around the house/kitchen on Tuesday, which pre LL would of eaten all sorts to break up the day and make myself feel better.

Now I have realised why I NEED my comfort food this week, I feel better and hopeful will not be dreaming of Takeaways all my life.

It's weigh day Saturday, so I am looking forward to that. Have no real idea how much I have lost so will not make any predictions this week. I occasionally have crooked thoughts about the exercise I have started again. One of the women who is in my group has said a few times she is not going to do any exercise until she is at goal weight, as muscle weighs more than fat. She says she wants no excuse for the weight not coming off each week. Any advice folks. Lesley you have done so well on the weight loss front, so I am thinking it can't be true, but as I lost 2lbs last week I did wonder a little.

OK, have two packs left so am off for a feast.

Day 67 - Be Careful What You Ask For!!!!

Back to work today and a chance to put some more of my Action Plans & Experiments in place. To be honest they are quite Back To Basics, but necessary to tackle.

As well as the boxercise challenge, I have also set myself the task of getting out the house in the morning in good time to do nursery/school runs and get to work without being late. More recently it has got so bad the children have missed the allocated breakfast time. Luckily as we have been going since Olivia was about 7 months old we have a good relationship and happily nursery still fed them. Also on school days what with children having strops as about to go out of the door because I refused to take a skipping rope, and mainly me leaving things till last minute (trying to squeeze another task in before we leave which even a shoe horn would struggle with!)we have been late there too. Therefore on work days have set the aim of us all being being ready by 7.30am, with the intention of leaving about 7.45/50am. Have decided x3 snoozes on alarm clock not helping either so given myself an extra 5 minutes in bed, but get up straight away when it goes off. Either that or when Ella flings open our bedroom door, climbs into my side and plonks a wet pull up on my head.

Felt a bit rushed, I was not quite ready for 7.30am, but we did leave on time with plenty of time for breakfast at nursery. A success, and as a result I felt a little more in control. I hasten to add David is great in the morning and always has been.

My other goal or Action plan is to get more early nights. I want to be in bed to sleep by 10pm at least 4 nights per week. I have struggled to do this due to wanting to get value out of the evening, trying to avoid anymore comments from David about him not seeing me, sitting on the computer (we all know what that is like) etc. Anyway, I love reading in bed so have allowed myself time to do this before sleep time so that I don't as is usually the case go to bed, end up reading for an hour and before I know it it's 11pm +.

Finally in designing my experiments (p122) I will look at making time for me to support my self esteem as previously discussed and consider my response before I agree to something whether that's personal or within work. Classic example being the Salsa Party and invites from people that I know at the time I have no interest in going to, but end up saying yes. This is where it gets complicated, hence today's BLOG title!

I had supervision with my boss today, went well and she is easy to talk too. We were looking at last years personal work objectives for me and discussing them over the coming year. I happened to mention about a course I may be interested in attending in the future and tried to establish any flexibility in changing days if necessary to accommodate it. She agreed this was fine. I also mentioned I sometimes miss the buzz of my old job and would not want to loose the crisis/swift response management I have developed over the years now I am doing longer term work. To cut this long story short she wondered if I would be able to cover that team when they are short due to a/l, sick etc. I agreed that was fine and have pencilled something in for July when there will be problems. In that week if I can sort my childcare I said I would be happy to do the Thursday & Friday too for payment and not just swapping as I have been doing for an extra day off somewhere else.

She also asked me if I would ever be interested in being FT again? I said I may want this when girls are both at school, but Ella only 3yrs in December. She then talked about if I wanted it sooner she could offer me the x3 days in my team, and the other x2 in old team. Or if more interested in another years time she could still offer me FT and can ask somebody else she has in mind on a temp basis. We also talked about me having the same 9 day fortnight package that the FT staff have, but due to my childcare I could have a specific day one week and be off, the other I could work from home and I suppose technically could try and juggle my hours so could care for Ella until she at school. MMMMMM, a lot to think about.

I am now in a real dilemma!!!!! I meant what I said about keeping my hand in the old job, but if I'm honest I love the fact I finish on a Wednesday and have two extra days to take Olivia to school, swimming lessons, be with Ella, potter around and generally feel like you do not have to fit your life into Saturday and Sunday. As for the money side ....... when I originally decided to go PT I worried about cash as the main earner. Now David earns a bit more and like everybody told me you get used to it. Plus the more you earn, the more you loose as well as more childcare costs. Will mull it over this week.

Me and my big mouth!!!!!!

From more of a LL front -

I opened the exercise bands tonight and tried a few exercises out of Zest magazine. The girls loved trying them too and helped me decipher the pictures. I was surprised how much resistance they give, so may need to try and give them ago properly. However my hands now smell like rubber, and I have finally realised what it reminds me of! It's been a long time since needed to use such extra bedroom accoutrement's. LOL (just realised not referring to anything battery operated ...... Think I will leave this subject now before ramble on any further)!

Right, need to get my finger out if want reading time for my 10pm curfew.

Night folks xx

Day 65 - Weigh In!

Was a little shy of my 3lbs aim today to take me to 3 Stone and lost instead 2.2lbs. Initially felt gutted and then woke up when my LLC said I had lost over half a stone in 2 weeks. I am now pleased with it, but in any case will be telling anybody who will listen I have lost 3 stone!

A really good group today, and we have certainly gelled now. We looked at Action Planning (Page 120/WK 11). This looked at setting some specific goals, much like we did in the beginning weeks to keep us motivated. Once it had been explained we were given time to set one there and then. I opted as follows :

GOAL - Try a boxercise/kick fit class at the gym

THINGS I WILL DO - Build up my stamina/fitness with other classes like aerobics for at least a few more weeks.

WHEN I WILL DO THIS - By the time I have finished Foundation

THINGS THAT MIGHT GET IN THE WAY OF ME ACHIEVING THIS - Feeling tired, work, childcare, other projects involved in

HOW MIGHT I SOLVE THIS - Plan & Book the sessions a week in advance so I am aware of my diary

I am really pleased we did this today, and I am glad I have this specific goal. I have wanted to do this class at the gym for so long and never felt confident enough or that it was achievable. I kept telling myself I will do it at some point! At least now I can see light at the end of the tunnel and know I will have a go. If I don't like it, fine. At least I can tick it off the list of things would like to try.

The lady I have talked about before who has lost her weight, and actually did the first week of maintenance has put on just under 2lbs. Of course she feels sad but fully admits she did not follow the rules, She is torn because she wants to stay in our group, but probably really needs to join a Maintenance one so she can continue to succeed. Obviously it's weeks before any of us can join her. I don't want her to fall of the straight and narrow again, so will cross my fingers for her. I did give her a jokey telling off, I hope in a supportive way.

Tonight David is going out with friends (good for him - He He) and usually would look forward to this for many reasons. One of the main ones ordering a Takeaway to eat alone (I hasten to add this was not a secret from David, I just enjoyed treating myself with the food and eating something without a child either wanting some or interupting a meal because they want a wee/reading a story/playing with etc) when he had gone out, kids in bed and being able to watch TV without consent from anybody else. However tonight will go with kids in bed, a bath if any energy followed by either TV/Magazine and an earlier night. I can feel myself looking forward to it I think as much as the pre-LL planning I did deciding on the medicating takeaway.

Let the good times roll!

Day 64 - In the Exercise Zone!

It's been a funny old week with some highs as well as some unexpected lows. More of that later.

I finally think I am back in the exercise zone and not that going through the motions of doing exercise but preferring to be elsewhere feeling either! Just back from Aerobics and did Abs Blast again this morning. Have booked the same classes for next Friday too. Have also booked Aerobics for Tuesday night, and again hope to be doing that on a weekly basis as I did before starting LL. I kept getting a glimpse of myself in the mirror and feeling proud of how far I had come. Today I wore a sporty sleeveless hooded top which has been in my wardrobe for years. I never felt confident enough to wear it before, but felt great and ultimately NORMAL. I was no longer the fattest one in the class puffing and panting. I also have to admit even though I must of lost some of my stamina, it was easier moving around being nearly 3 Stone lighter.

As I kissed my daughters goodnight before going to Aerobics, Ella watched me put my trainers on and said in a cheerful voice ...... 'Are you going to the gym mummy?'. I answered yes and felt positive that my girls see a mummy who goes out, enjoys sport/activities as well as looking after them.

My sister came to see me this afternoon after she finished work, and usually collects some chips on the way for her dinner (in the past I would of joined her) and brought some for Ella - a so called child's portion (which I shared with Olivia later too). Anyway, I made a vegetable soup and sat down with them to eat. She asked if I was still dieting and felt sorry for me. I said it's fine as David and I will be eating our meal together later. She was happy with that and I surprised myself with the speed of the excuse. Clearly I still haven't told her about LL. I know she will just worry especially as I begin to loose the next stones. She hasn't said it yet, but I am sure the comments will come about 'NOT GOING TOO FAR'.

At work had two more colleagues who not seen me for a while shocked in a pleased way with my weight loss. One said I am half the women I used to be!

Now for the unexpected lows ........

On Tuesday went to another Salsa Party with Natalie. It's the end of our beginners course and we receive a certificate before we start the next level next week. I wore some of my old smaller clothes and felt confident. However in essence it was CRAP!!!!!!! and a complete waste of cash. I forgot my water flavour too so felt like a sado drinking my already flavoured bottle of water while everybody else was drinking mainly alcohol (not that I wanted any, but once again only Natalie knows I am doing LL!). Once again I felt like CRAP, returned home, felt upset and chatted to David about it which was great. He actually knew what I was talking about as had similar feelings (in terms of going out with friends, and wanting to come home after a while).

In essence I left at 9pm, wanted to leave earlier as bored, bored, bored and not really that interested in going through the motions of being sociable with my salsa group. The whole evening was SHIT, I was clearly not bothered by the buffet on offer ..... but I did reflect and wondered if I would of medicated with the buffet had I not been on LL to make myself feel better?

I then felt angry/paranoid that Natalie would of told people I was doing LL, and that was why I didn't have any buffet.

The learning from this is ...... Think before accepting an invitation. If I don't want to do it, don't and stop trying to support others at your own detriment. I have done this most of my life from a young age and I do not want to do it anymore. Ultimately I had doubts when I was invited and I wished I had gone to Aerobics!

Also at work had a strange moment with a colleague who I sit next to. Not sure have mentioned her before, but we have not worked together long so are still getting to know each other but enjoy some funny banter. We chatted on Tuesday about what we got up to at the weekend, so I told her I went for a skin analysis at Elemis and told her about what they said (one wrinkle forming, poor skin, open pores, not as much sun damage as I thought etc). I said I was prompted to go as I had used Clinque for many years and wanted a change. At which point she laughed and told me she uses Dove to wash her face and couldn't imagine anybody saying they were bored of Clinque! She also asked, as she has done before, where do I find the time to go out, exercise, look after my skin. I successfully laughed it off and we eventually got on with our work. I think this comment just tapped into how I have been feeling in terms of whether I am spending too much time/money on myself, you know with the extra baths, gym, salsa, always trying on clothes and experimenting with different looks now I am slimmer and making time to pamper myself . I kept telling myself I am actually quite low maintenance by some women's standards IE washing my face with Clinque in the shower each morning, then a quick wipe with the toner and a bit of moisturiser, I can never be bothered to do the nightime part, which is probably why my skin is so poor at the moment.

So for the second time on Tuesday I felt uncomfortable and out of control which I am sure would of resulted in too much comfort food. Had other uncomfortable moments, but were part of the same coin when I shared with somebody about LL. I told them I had not told anybody at work, and she was happy to keep it that way. Immediately after I felt vulnerable and wished I had not told her.

Come on ladies, why have I got such a problem with certain people knowing I am doing LL. At different points I have felt like a fraud when people want to know the secret to my diet. Also, any comments regarding me spending time on myself greatly appreciated. I think I have got so wrapped up in my LL bubble I am unsure if I have become obsessive.

Day 60 - More Strange Feelings/Thoughts!

To cut a very long set of thoughts short, I asked David if he thought it would ruin my hard work if I ate something?

Previously I have had this as an internal dialogue, but have never let my guard down and vocalised that to him. He offered some brief sensible advice but to be honest he tried to move the situation on and not dwell on it. He also made himself a cheese sandwich for his evening meal instead of either ordering form the takeaway or cooking something which I felt was a good move for me. I then made a pack and happily ate that. I had this conversation while I emptied a couple of food cupboard of out of date food (including x5 bags of different flours all out of date ... our bread maker is now redundant!).

For the last few days been thinking about food and how I want us all to eat as a family. I found myself watching one of the shopping channels that was showcasing 'THE NICER DICER'. I was hooked. For anybody who has not seen one, it basically chops fruit, veg, cheese, you name it in two different sizes without mess. It showed you how to make a great salsa and was using lovely fresh produce. It was for sale at the obscene price of £37 once you had added the postage. I liked it, but not that much. I just imagined when I am back into food how brill it would be to quickly make a variety of salads. I think since I have got further into the program I have relaxed a bit more around food whether that's watching cooking on the TV, looking at recipes in magazines etc. Maybe this has added to my interest in food.

That said, apart from verbalising eating with David, It has never been an option to eat, even if I may of fantasied about it from time to time. I have come too far, and In my thought record have told myself if I was going to eat, it would be a planned special occasion and not some random day eating something ill advised and substandard.

While on the food subject, David, Ella and I went to McDonald's after we dropped Olivia at yet another party, and it was too far to go home. David had not eaten, so had a meal, Ella had some fruit and a drink, and you've guessed it I had a black coffee and a few bites of a bar. I began to think about a typical Saturday prior to LL. I may well of managed a decent breakfast of porridge made with soya milk, fresh blueberries & natural yogurt on the top. That's if I'd not gone down the buttery toast and sweet tea route! I would of had a quarter pounder with cheese meal, chips and strawberry milkshake. Filled self up with snacks until children gone to bed and then shared a takeaway with David, lets say an Indian meal (the works) and eaten about 9pm. Two takeaways in one day, neither a healthy choice and lets not forget alcohol.

While remembering this typical day, I got a sudden pang of being frightened. I was not sure if this was because I could no longer act like this when I return to food, or because I was starting to dream of future Saturday nights once off the packs. Was the latter reason showing I was heading for a slippery slope, and actually I had not learnt anything over the last weeks? Could I manage my food forever? will I eventually give up and be fat again?

I decided to get my Foundation book out as not looked at it for a while or done any exercises. I had not got my head around Thought Records, so read about them, and committed to doing one every night to get me focused.

On a positive note I have not eaten anything, at least I am dreaming of healthy meals and am still aware food is a danger for me.

I will succeed at this and I just need to remember how GOOD it feels to receive compliments, forever changing clothes size, and looking normal.

This Year I have many things to look forward to, here are some of them ........

1. Holiday in August
2. Christmas family gathering 2007, most of them will not of seen me since last year
3. Seeing my Gran and friends who have not seen me since I started he diet
4. Getting to goal weight of 9st something
5. Proving those silly crooked thoughts and doubters wrong

PS ..... I eventually ordered a NICER DICER off Ebay for £12 delivered! I will be making Salads galore for David as soon as it arrives!

http://www.bestdirect.tv/product-Nicer-Dicer--Free-Perfect-Peeler-BDA07641.htm

Day 58 - Weigh In ....... 8 Weeks, 2 Days!

Have lost 5 3/4 Lbs this week and hopefully by next week will be classed as OVERWEIGHT as opposed to OBESE! Of course I am chuffed to pieces and have reached my ambitious target of over 2 St 7 Lbs in 8 weeks (well 39lbs or just realised 3lbs off 3 Stone!). In my head I am ahead of the game by half a stone of the predicted 3 stone lost in the 100 days of abstinence.

My group and the LLC were lovely as ever today and said they could really notice the weight difference on me now, which feels great to hear. The lady I talked about last week who had her birthday looks better each week, and even managed to loose weight despite a few birthday treats. As a group we all seem to agree if people are going to eat in abstinence for whatever reason, planing is the way forward. This is opposed to arriving at the function and eating all courses and then some!

I asked my husband to measure my height once and for all today so I could stop convincing myself either way that I was taller than 5ft.1 or worse smaller. The height has come out in my favour and I am pleased to report I am 5 ft 2. Result I cry. However when I looked at the LL BMI chart we were all given today I see that allows me to be 61.6kg as opposed to 60.1kg (at the top end of being healthy). Well every little helps. I will now put the BMI debate to rest until the 14 weeks is up, and see where I am then.

My body aches after Abs Blast, but in a comforting, yes I must of done something way.

Today in the group we looked at the games people play. I just sat there and felt this game playing is what happens between me and hubby. He tells me he feel unwell/not right, I offer him the vitamins or dietery advice, he then ignores me and I resort to the frying pan! Right am going to try and not play his game and leave it to him. Will only offer support if he really wants it. Watch this space!!!!!!

OK, gang have arrived home so better offer some parenting support for fear of being a crap wife and mother for going out all morning at LL! Plus Olivia has another party to get ready for.

May see you later xxx

Quick Addition

OK, back form the disco which was great. Olivia was happy, dancing with her friends and a few boys to boot!

Ella in bed, Olivia just fallen asleep on hubby so all right with the world.

Hubby looked tired as he about to go and get some chips so I asked him if he is OK?

He did his I'm not long for this world face and made some comment about feeling like crap again!!!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhh. Why did I ask? I asked if he had started to take to vitamins again I bought him? NO.

Still looking pathetic, I said something along the lines of ...... 'I hope we are not going to have this circular conversation again or else I will have to go to the kitchen and hit you around the face with a frying pan'. (in my defence, as well he knows I would never do this and do not support domestic violence!). At that point he took his sorry ass off to the chip shop, so I have jumped on her to log the typical example I am talking about!!!!!!!

Thanks Lesley & Chris for your words of wisdom. Of course would have him over any other type of chap, but ..........

Better go, he will be back with his chips and I need to fit in two packs.

Night Night xxx

Day 57 - Abs Blast!

Thought it was finally time to do something about my very very slack tum instead of grabbing it in a very unflattering way as proof of childbirth!

Today I put youngest in Leisure Centre Creche (ladies chirped up about not seeing me for a while!) and joined a sea of fit looking men and women at Abs Blast. Already committed but thinking had made dreadful mistake I got through the class and felt I could congratulate myself for getting my bum back into the gym. Also on a positive note daughter did not cry for the entire time in the creche and agreed she will go back next week. The lady at the side of me said it gets better after 4 weeks so have booked myself in for next Friday, 9.45am.

On an exercise note I am still enjoying my salsa class, and on Wednesday it was the last class. There is another Salsa gathering next Tuesday where they have laid on a buffet (Help!!!!!!!) and we collect our certificates for completing the past 8 weeks. The week after we can sign up for the next level. I think I will sign up for the next level as if nothing else it gets me out the house and now we are getting more energetic will burn a few calories.

As for next Tuesday, Natalie and I have decided to go, I will just have to have a pack before I go, and perhaps take a bar in event need to nibble. I did survive open buffet for 21/2 hours last Sunday when took daughter to a party. Food looked yummy ..... all bite size and available! Held my nerve and had half a bar while helping kids on the bouncy castle.

Weight loss is still going well and the clothes are really starting to hang off me now! When I dropped oldest off at school I met a couple of mums who had not seen me up close for a while who were positive about my weight loss. They know I am on LL and wanted to know how much I had lost and in how many weeks. I told them 2st 7lbs (well I hope to be this by Saturday as only 2lbs off) and they did those mock jealous/sad faces I have done in the past when somebody looks great/lost weight/achieved something. All in good humour. I felt on top of the world because it was me this time that had lost weight. Youngest and I than ran to Sainsbury's for a few emergency supplies, then off to the gym as said above.

Tonight my oldest, OK it's Olivia (5yrs) ... I can't bothered to keep this up. My youngest is Ella (2yrs). Anyway Olivia is at her first school disco so I have offered to help out in the hall. She has told her friends and is excited her mummy is going to help. I am glad she is not yet embarrassed of me!

What else have I been up to?

Well the half way point shopping trip to Leeds is off. My friends have a range of excuses but to be honest I am quite pleased about it. We have re-arranged for June so this will be closer to my 100 days being over and in turn closer to goal weight. I may even be able to but some clothes that won't be hanging off me 2 weeks later, LOL.

I have also made a few calls career wise about courses for the future so hope packs of information will be on their way soon.

On the downside have had a few words with hubby it feels like most days this week. In a nut shell I love him and know what he is like, however even more so than usual am sick to death of him moaning and doing nothing about it! Generally this issue covers his health, job, hobbies (NONE), seeing his friends (doing nothing to arrange a night out) and so it goes on .......

Now, none of these traits are new and I have from time to time said a few words about all of them, so again nothing new. What feels different to me this time is that I am getting even less patient about his lack of drive to live his life. His glass is always half empty. Not sure what else to say, and I am sure will re-visit this again in the BLOG. I also know I do have a great hubby in so many other ways ........ never worry about an affair, great at DIY, happy to care for his children and even modified his hours to accommodate them Thu & Fri, loves me fat or thin, is home most of the time when says he will be so I can go to Salsa, gym, meet friends etc and would always want me to do what makes me happy. Lets not forget he has been supportive on this LL plan albeit sceptical at first.
Mmmmmmm, maybe I need to get this in perspective?

Day 54 - I Think?

I'm Still here on this great LL Program working through my 8th week without a cheat! Can't believe something that sounded so extreme is working for me and my head feels so clear of clutter (most of the time) I can focus on the important things. Anybody thinking of trying LL, I could not encourage them enough, and I'm not on commission!

Anyway..... been busy, busy, busy and missed logging on. I've had to be quite strict with myself and tell myself sometimes it was too late at night to start writing my BLOG or reading everybody else's. It's never a quick job, and I have been getting to bed far to late and feeling rough in the morning because of it. Can't believe the children are bathed, snacked and in bed and I have managed to get on at a reasonable time.

Weigh Day was last Saturday and another 3 1/4 LBS off. As ever eye on the next weeks prize and I have worked out need just a couple of lbs off to make 2 Stone 7 Lbs! Am sure will make this so am on target for my aim of another Stone off by week 10. I am still doing well on the drinking front, but apart from the previous weigh in of 6lbs not helped this weeks average to increase. I know just being greedy now.

I am really happy to be over half way through foundation and starting to feel food is in sight. Don't get me wrong I'm not wishing I was eating or dreaming about it, but I am thinking about what healthy choices I want to make in the future. Not because the diet book says so, but because I want to. I have been thinking about what I may do on my birthday (not till June and after the 100 days are up). This is because others have /will be going on holiday, attending events/birthdays etc and have said they have either eaten or will be doing. I had put this thinking eventually to rest last time it was playing on my mind, but I wondered if maybe I should allow myself either a healthy meal out or make one for my birthday? Not sure if crooked thoughts, but I hope to be quite close to my goal and have told myself if this is for the rest of my life (eating well/healthy), then why not? Will probably see how I feel nearer the time and I think need to give myself permission either way.

On a real positive stroke note, on Monday I had a induction meeting with a new worker from another team to tell her about my role and do introductions of my staff. I went to see my boss, current staff team, and people I used to manage. In total four sets of people who had not seen me for a while said I looked great and noticed my weight loss. I have to say I felt quite embarrassed by the end as I was still showing this women around the building, but I did thank people and give them a twirl. As the comments increased going around the building I started to believe I do look different more and more. I was also wearing clothes I had got out the 'Too Small Box' and found they fit, and the two skirts had on so far are even a bit big really. Both 18's, however as we all know, were smaller 18's than the ones I had been wearing which have gone into the 'Too Big Box'.