Things seemed to of got to a head at the end of last week when I felt so so low. I am unsure if this is because people keep asking me if I am alright and telling me I don't look happy. To be honest it is only certain people and I have kept shrugging it off, and even said I thought I was OK!!!
The battle between eating freely - being fat or Lighter Light - being slim and all the other options we are told or make up for ourselves was quite frankly getting me down, but not it seemed enough to stop me losing a few pounds then putting it back on.
Also my course has really touched me at different times and I am unsure if this is just the process and somewhere at the end, or is it a continuum, I will better for it (which I hope). However I also have to consider the possibility that perhaps all these years of thinking about the whys and where fores may not actually be that helpful?
I asked my hubby what he thought of my latest enquiries (more of that in a minute). The man of few words said something which I have translated as I am basically fine as I am, and why question and analyse everything. In that some things do not need an answer. The more I tried to explain that I eat toast until I feel numb inside so I can no longer feel stress and uncomfortable feelings did not help him see what an earth I am talking about. After all, why an earth should he as it's so bloody irrational isn't it? I ended up wondering if I am indeed one of the new generation of THE WORRIED WELL, a HYPOCHONDRIAC and just going through some MID-LIFE CRISIS? I reasoned with myself all that was missing was a holiday booking to go mountain climbing, a deposit on some form of sports car and perhaps a little surgery.
Anyway, while alone at home last week in my low mood I found myself looking at counselling (I have been kicking against this for a while). Some are just numbers and where they are based others tell you what they specialise in. I found two which I phoned. I eventually plucked up the courage to leave a message with one who later phoned me back. Her advert mentioned weight management, confidence & self esteem (amongst other areas). She is a psychotherapist and seems to work with a range of tools including hypnotherapy, life coaching etc etc. I did not tell her what I am studying and let her just talk about her work and was pleased to hear what she said seemed to fit in with what I have read about the counselling process.
She said I can't tell you how many sessions somebody needs as it depends upon what the issues are. I sort of implied I knew why I overate and she said that sometimes we think we know or even remember one version of events from our past but after further digging may be slightly different. She also talked generally to give me examples of how she works and some reasons why people request this type of support. She mentioned loss and not grieving ........ I had to just listen on the phone because if I had talked she would of heard the lump in my throat.
I have an appointment tomorrow and feel a strange sort of excitement about going. I so much want to get to the bottom of and resolve my overeating. I thought LL had the answer and to a great extent it did. I am aware of much more and can talk about my triggers but it is not enough to know I eat certain types of food until I feel numb. I want to stop it and be NORMAL. I also want to find out if I am just a fat bird who wants her cake and eat it. I think this was what my hubby was trying to say and to some extent I can see why he and others would come to such a conclusion.
I am going to look at your BLOGS now