Day 6 - I'm Still Here

Another day has passed and I find myself once again sat at my computer logging my day. It has become therapeutic and I hope for anybody reading as a current diary, or down the line who may be doing the plan offers some truth & comfort.

Have been to my first Salsa Class tonight with a friend. Really enjoyed it although I was unfortunately not a natural. Burned more calories than I thought it would and I will of course have a waist to die for at the end of it!

Last two days have presented a few struggles to be honest but still manged to stick to the packs without deviation. I went back to work on Tuesday after a prolonged time off, which is never easy at the best of times. However in hindsight I probably felt a bit stressed to be out of my home cocoon and what I had got used to. I noticed I had thoughts of nipping to the choc machine and getting myself something to get through the day and tonight as my salsa class was above a restaurant, I could smell FOOD !!!!!!! I should of had a pack before I went and maybe I would of been less panicked internally. I described the feeling to Hubby that outward I looked calm, but inside I was screaming - F..K, THIS IS HARD.

Anyway I dealt with it, went back to my friends pad for a black coffee, nice chat and came home for a chicken soup. I still have a bar to have, and to be honest its so late I'm not that bothered. I am unsure if I will self destruct if I don't have it.

Hubby came home with flowers yesterday and normal conversation resumed within the household, however under no illusions this will be until the next time. I feel (mostly) really in control of my life and sick to death of either being responsible or feeling responsible for people. Not that I want to change from being supportive. It's just as I have said before (and will many times to come) its drained me of any energy to do enough for me. Hence the Salsa, Gym, Reiki .... that said I have never been a recluse, although wanted to be so many times.

Looking forward to the weigh in Thursday night. Of course I know I've lost because I can honestly say I have stuck to the plan. I know I will also be disappointed if still lost the 6Ibs, ungrateful as that sounds, those that know understand where I am coming from on this front.

While chatting with my friend tonight ... I had a light bulb moment as I was explaining to her why Iwas doing LL (she is doing Slimming World, and already knew of LL as work colleagues have done it and lost loads - although not kept it off). Anyway I was talking about the 20 plus years of diets and where my head was at, when I gave her an example of being a young child and how this process probably all began. My mum had made us both a jacket potato with salad, and while she went out the room I put so much butter on the potato. I never did this while she was in the room as I must of worked out it was a bit greedy and wrong! Nobody had told me it was, as my mum was lovely and just wasn't like that. Anyway we then talked about foods we find hard to control, she said sweets and crisps as her mother rationed them to her and siblings as children (to try and give them a healthy diet). However the upshot was when she had the means to buy the stuff, she went bonkers on it. I talked about butter being one of my trigger food, and how if it's in the house it calls me to put it on toast in thick spread until its gone!

OK, you are way ahead of me I imagine. I realise my many Jacket Potato experiences as a child may well of brought me to my pack of butter episodes as an adult..... Ting, the light is on.