Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Day ? Mid-Life Crisis Anyone?

Where have I been, yes you've guessed it ........ Eating!!!!!

Things seemed to of got to a head at the end of last week when I felt so so low. I am unsure if this is because people keep asking me if I am alright and telling me I don't look happy. To be honest it is only certain people and I have kept shrugging it off, and even said I thought I was OK!!!

The battle between eating freely - being fat or Lighter Light - being slim and all the other options we are told or make up for ourselves was quite frankly getting me down, but not it seemed enough to stop me losing a few pounds then putting it back on.

Also my course has really touched me at different times and I am unsure if this is just the process and somewhere at the end, or is it a continuum, I will better for it (which I hope). However I also have to consider the possibility that perhaps all these years of thinking about the whys and where fores may not actually be that helpful?

I asked my hubby what he thought of my latest enquiries (more of that in a minute). The man of few words said something which I have translated as I am basically fine as I am, and why question and analyse everything. In that some things do not need an answer. The more I tried to explain that I eat toast until I feel numb inside so I can no longer feel stress and uncomfortable feelings did not help him see what an earth I am talking about. After all, why an earth should he as it's so bloody irrational isn't it? I ended up wondering if I am indeed one of the new generation of THE WORRIED WELL, a HYPOCHONDRIAC and just going through some MID-LIFE CRISIS? I reasoned with myself all that was missing was a holiday booking to go mountain climbing, a deposit on some form of sports car and perhaps a little surgery.

Anyway, while alone at home last week in my low mood I found myself looking at counselling (I have been kicking against this for a while). Some are just numbers and where they are based others tell you what they specialise in. I found two which I phoned. I eventually plucked up the courage to leave a message with one who later phoned me back. Her advert mentioned weight management, confidence & self esteem (amongst other areas). She is a psychotherapist and seems to work with a range of tools including hypnotherapy, life coaching etc etc. I did not tell her what I am studying and let her just talk about her work and was pleased to hear what she said seemed to fit in with what I have read about the counselling process.

She said I can't tell you how many sessions somebody needs as it depends upon what the issues are. I sort of implied I knew why I overate and she said that sometimes we think we know or even remember one version of events from our past but after further digging may be slightly different. She also talked generally to give me examples of how she works and some reasons why people request this type of support. She mentioned loss and not grieving ........ I had to just listen on the phone because if I had talked she would of heard the lump in my throat.

I have an appointment tomorrow and feel a strange sort of excitement about going. I so much want to get to the bottom of and resolve my overeating. I thought LL had the answer and to a great extent it did. I am aware of much more and can talk about my triggers but it is not enough to know I eat certain types of food until I feel numb. I want to stop it and be NORMAL. I also want to find out if I am just a fat bird who wants her cake and eat it. I think this was what my hubby was trying to say and to some extent I can see why he and others would come to such a conclusion.

I will let you now how I get on. As my online chums, what do you think? Have I now sailed into an even darker place and kidding myself there is a cure?

I am going to look at your BLOGS now

Sam xx

Monday, 19 May 2008

Day 6 - Some Progress?

Had a day off today and mooched around town. I keep thinking I have to do something, usually work, but have to remind myself that I am allowed to sit in bed all day if I want to ...... it is my time. I had a acupuncture appointment in the morning and then went to the university Library to get some books about the counselling course. Thought while I am really interested, I ought to channel my energy into it. Bedtime reading tonight will be THE NO-NONSENSE GUIDE TO SEXUAL DIVERSITY by Vanessa Baird. I'm not sure if hubby looks excited or worried about what I may read about!

Did well pack wise until about 4pm when became really hungry. I should of had a pack, but I was out without anymore so I found myself in Tesco Express. I wanted some tea, but looked at the sandwiches, sushi, chicken salads. I eventually settled on grilled chicken, bag of salad, holumi and a box of Lady Grey. I am pleased to report I convinced myself that it was not a good idea to buy a muffin/cookie and went home to make a nice salad with the ingredients. Brill.

I then collected the girls and kept picking at the holumi. A friend came round and husband offered biscuits. I had x4 and then picked holumi and biscuits each time I walked about. I have just finished a healthy salad, roast squash and a grilled pork chop. I am pleased with the meal, but feel I am on the hunt for more food. You are right Lesley, bending the rules came make things more difficult even if in the dim and distant past what I have eaten today would of been a good day.

A Positive Change -
I looked through some of my old notes and the route to management book I used last year when food is introduced. I read a section about lapses and reasons we give to excuse eating. One of mine was I hated waste. I would hoover up left overs and either eat there and then or put in fridge and eat throughout the evening. If we had a takeaway I would serve the food out and make sure I had more and of course I could not waste any of that too. I have realised that this behaviour has really settled down and I no longer do this. Yes I still hate waste (a message from my mother who had to be careful due to war time rations and not having much spare cash) so I either cook what is needed to prevent waste in first place, or if appropriate save a portion for a mini meal the next day ...... the bit that works for me is knowing I can have it or somebody will eat it so it won't go to waste. I also noticed that I no longer break out in a cold sweat if there is food left over, not worth saving when my children and hubby throw it in the bin. Most of the time I can walk past the kids plates and not take anything. I even throw food a away myself.


Seriously, it may not be much to somebody else, but this issue alone is one I have battled with for years and needs to be acknowledged. Yes I still have a way to go, but am getting better.

I hope I am not kidding myself on this front and wonder MRS if you thought I had changed for the better or worse in your comment yesterday? I took it as a positive.

I am really tired now, so going to go to be and make a start on my reading.


Saturday, 17 May 2008

Day 5 - Did I Make A Sensible Choice?

Can it all be down to a lemon?

Hi Paula, really good to hear from you. Keep posting so can see how you are getting on. Thanks for having a look.


Yesterday had a good day at my course as we began to look at child and adult attachment theory in particular related to counselling couples. We did a number of exercises to help us work out our own attachments as well as look at how our early experiences can affect clients and what values we as counsellors take into the counselling session.

One exercise involved another women and I discussing 'Healthy Protest' which is looking at anger and assertiveness. We had to discuss with each the following:

As a child -

  • What happened when you felt upset or cross?
  • Who took these feelings seriously and listened to you?
  • Did you have temper tantrums? Is so, what provoked them?
  • Were you able to say "no" to things you didn't want?
  • Could you ask for what you wanted and expected at least to be listened to?

Now (as an adult) -

  • Describe an incident in which you felt angry. What happened? What did you do?
  • If a friend or your partner does something to upset you, how do you react? (overt anger, rage, sulking, go quiet, secret revenge, feel miserable and do nothing etc)
  • Are you able to ask for what you want from those closest to you?
  • How do you handle it when you feel let down, rejected or abandoned?
  • Has aggression ever caused major problems for you? (broken relationships, police involvement, difficulty at work)
  • Do you ever feel put upon, used, abused or taken for granted by others, particularly those close to you?

These questions are from BABI brief attachment-based intervention. As well as covering this they also have questions around fun & exploration, secure base, loss and others.

Firstly, I was initially out of my comfort zone as although myself and the other women are pleasant to each other on the course, we haven't worked together before (I think she felt the same way too). Anyway, we both engaged well in the process and found we had some similarities.

As a child I shared I was unable to say no, but couldn't think of any times I needed to say no (apart from those teenage years) and never had temper tantrums. I thought my feelings were taken seriously, if I shared them but I seem to remember I never really had to ask for what I wanted. That said love and cuddles were freely available, and I was certainly never rebuffed from any of my family. We were very tactile and most of the evening I would be sat with one arm on my mum, the other bit that could reach touching my dad. (tears now stinging my eyes and can't see keyboard as such happy times).

As an adult I made quite a distinction between 'before' (I assume LL journey and the point leading up to it when you start to see your life or the desire to have it slot into place). I guess the second part of the exercise demonstrated I do feel put upon, taken for granted and when somebody upsets me I can go quiet, feel miserable and do nothing. I don't always ask for what I want. Clearly I also EAT too when I feel like this.

My observations of doing this exercise were many, and I felt so interested and engaged as I have come half way through this course now. As I was telling my work partner how I react to anger and she agreed she acted similarly I was telling myself, there is no way I am like her ... I'm no victim. I also felt like a fraud telling her I am unassertive, never ask for what I want and am taken for granted. I had this overwhelming feeling/thought that this is what I have told myself, but the evidence was to the contrary. I do have examples where staff, partner, friends etc have taken the Piste, but I equally have examples where I have said no to people. Maybe I am mixing up the raw emotion which goes on for me when I agonise about saying no because I don't want to let others down? When I have shared with friends how unassertive and full of self doubt I sometimes feel, they are amazed. They tell me how confident I can come across and had no idea I felt like that.

So what is all this telling me?

For sure, I am no victim ..... but I have to admit in some situations I allow myself to be and then moan about how unassertive I am and guess who is taking the Piste now! Also maybe I take my mishaps or unassertive moments out of proportion and perhaps they are only a small part of my life compared to the positives?

PART TWO (9pm)-

Home form today's sessions on the course, even more emotional but I feel in a positive way. Won't bore you with it. The learning point for me is that I do have a good life, great coping mechanism which I have learnt from my experiences and a desire to be the best I can be. Yes I have a few issues about wanting to be perfect and guilt about letting others down, but at least I am aware of this. I think I don't give myself enough credit for what I have and do deal with, always firstly thinking others are better. On the whole i have an internal dialogue which I probably don't always show to others so I must keep a lid on the negative stiff most of the time.

Yes I want to stop eating for no hunger reasons, but we talked about people reverting to their original coping mechanise/attachment style when under stress. I am simply doing that I assume, and am doing it less than I used to. For today I will take that as a positive.

Back to LL -

Last night I had a planned chicken and lamb Kebab, loads of salad and gave the pitta to hubby. We sat at the table, talked and I noticed my eating rather than wolf it down. I also said no to the wine. This morning fair to say was gutted when weighed 11st 8 1/2lbs as only had one pack and a half yesterday!

Today so far had first bar for brekkie and half a chicken soup mixed with a savoury soup. Not felt hungry, although sometimes fancied food today so must be in ketosis. Have just declined a portion of family sized Lemon Meringue Pie from husband, and trying to work out if have salad and protein or go to bed with a choc pack made into a mouse?

Either way, I am not kidding myself I am abstinent, but I think am doing well.

Night Night

Sam xxx

PS -if you fancy checking out your relationship attachment style, here is one of the questionnaires that can be found online: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

Friday, 16 May 2008

Day 4 - What's The Damage?

The Damage Is Not That Bad!!!

I have just weighed, and unbelievably I have stayed the same. On the way to bed last night I swiped a few chunks of roasted Butternut and then went to bed. On a positive note my binge did not leap into a glass of Rose or even a takeaway. Also on a positive I did BLOG honestly, told my husband when he came home and of course was honest with myself. I think you are right about my reward system and the need to put it behind me. After putting on weight since December fairly consistently, a good loss like that makes me of course feel happy, but also feel I want to congratulate myself. How stupid that I feel food rewards are the answer.

That said, I live another day and do not feel like giving up. May well of knocked ketosis out now so must be prepared that could be hungry during today.

This weekend I am at my monthly counselling training so early start to travel there and home about 6pm. We have just completed Systemic and this weekend will start Pschodynamic. For the past few sessions I have had a large meal with the group at lunchtime, however this weekend will be back to basics with a soup pack and a bar at breaks. I don't anticipate any problems during the day, just hope I can hold it together when come home. I will just have to log on to prevent any silly binge and stay positive. May also have our second assignment returned today????? I did pass the first and was pleased with the mark, but will just have to wait and see.

See you later, keep up the good work

Sam xx

Stats as promised:

Wednesday - 14/05/2008 76.7kg/12st 1lbs
Thursday - 15/05/2008 74.9kg/11st 11 1/4lbs
Friday & Saturday 73.5kg/11st 8lbs

Day 3 - I Hate Evil Carbs!!!!

Can you believe I have eaten?

In summary, get on the scales this morning and worked out lost about 7lbs since started on Wednesday. Brill, feel trim, clothes bit baggy, even enjoying trying on clothes at home.

Get through some challenging situations/thoughts and when I arrive home at approx 5.30pm with the girls ........ I allow myself to dream about some little white cobs I bought for them.

I eventually give in to:
- 4 slices of toast, marmalade and cheese;
- 5 mini cobs, more cheese, marg and raw onion

and now I sit here wondering whether to have a glass of Rose as it's sat open in the fridge. Plus forgot to mention I have roasted a butternut squash with red onion (luckily healthy with no fat) which even though my tum feels bloated, I am sure will eat some later.

The thing is I had this strong urge to eat (not sure why at minute) and could of got the girls dinner on the go and logged on. Instead I allowed myself to fail. Why? Last time I lost 9lbs in 4/5 days back in February I think. Had a great LL group session, then went home and convinced myself due to the weight loss I could eat something. Hence fell of the wagon and took until now to actually do two and a half solid days.

I now feel like crap, don't feel positive about life/me and just feel like a failure.

However I think no matter what I do/eat, I must keep the BLOG going. As I began to eat I told myself I didn't have to log on and tell you what I had done, but what use is that to me. I need to be honest with myself, and when I look at the above carb fest I realise that it was excessive. who eats 9 bread products in less than an hour?

Dread the scales Saturday morning. At least when you do LL and follow the rules you are guaranteed to have a loss most days if not all. I will do my stats from day one Saturday to show you the damage I have caused.

Bye for now, time to put the girls in bed who keep pushing for more and more playtime before bed!

Sam xx

Thursday, 15 May 2008

Day 2 - I Told A Lie!

Had a good day in that I have not cheated, and felt less stress and panic about trying to stop myself going to the food establishments. I had arranged to meet a friend at lunchtime who knows I am back on the straight and narrow, but never knew explicitly how I originally lost the weight in the first place! Anyway while I had a lovely large black coffee she had a snack. This was all fine and I had no urge to take it from her (occasionally I told myself, I can join her next time so don't feel deprived). Eventually we talked about our health amongst other things and she quizzed me on what I have eaten today. I told her I had seedy toast, marmite, scrambled egg and grilled tomato. She looked impressed. I then reassured her I would have some soup when got back to work, and a nice piece of salmon and salad tonight.

I noticed two things from this situation
1. It's nobodies business whether I chose to share LL or not, but that doesn't make me feel ashamed of it; and
2. Why do I eat such rubbish or too much of it at times when I could of eaten this fictional menu today plus fruity snacks and maintained my lower weight?????

Today also manged to negotiate not eating a readily available biscuit or 5 when everybody else was diving into the tub. I also managed not to dwell on negativity when I popped in Next and Top Shop to have a look at clothes. It is always in my mind that at my low weight I could pick and choose what I wanted in all sorts of shops. Now when I am in shops I feel disappointed I have to go through this again and buy bigger clothes. Instead of the excitement I felt at trying on new sizes as they always reduced as the diet went on, this time around it has lost it's appeal. I did buy some sandals and a nice summer skirt for work (sizes 14 and 12), so hopefully when back in the office next week I feel pretty and not a fat lump.

Today I had a shake for breakfast, and a veg soup split into two meals. I am trying to pace myself so I don't get to the end of the day after work without any packs. I have not had a bar again as I believe this helps getting into ketosis. I have had at least 3 litres of water again, and working towards the 4 litres.

Already I feel slimmer and more in control/measured, and long may it last.

Will retire now, and try and do something constructive with my evening

Sam xx

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Day 1 - Return to Abstinence?

Abstinence Here I come!

Well it's 8pm and so far so good I have not cheated. I think I have had at least 3 litres of water, One and a half packs and a savoury soup. It is fair to say am starving now and wondering what packs to have tonight.

Had a few touch and go moments when I saw the daily food trolly arrive at work, and I told myself one litle something won't hurt! Also during a meeting today I felt tired & bored and my mind flicked to how food could be my reward when I get through it.

I am glad I have not given in as each 'failure' makes it harder to convince me I can do abstinece again. Already I feel knowing I will write my BLOG and we are in this together (well done on 2 days down Lesley), I must try that bit harder and not run to food to numb my feelings.

Over this last binge period I have realised that as well as eating because my emotions are all over the place that tiredness can play a part too. A few ocassions I noticed (but sadly still ate) that when I am tired I believe food will nurture me and make me feel better. Why I can't go to bed or make a mental note to get an earlier night if during the day alludes me. I suppose the quick fix/high from a carb kicks in, so in some respects the tiredness has been resolved at least for a short period.

The girls have found a game on a childrens web site: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/grownups/familytime/games/teatime_racers.shtml.
In essence you have a number of foods and drinks which tell you about themselves like apples, bread, chips, fizzy drinks etc. You then pick which foods you want in your relay team and watch them run around the kitchen. The obvious healthy foods have long-lasting energy and can run and jump over the course. The others like chips and co lumber along or have a fast spurt but soon run out of puff. I thought it was a good visual to remind me about the types of food I am putting in my body.

Well, I have just made a chicken pack as a stuffing and am ready with a large glass of water and tobasco. I will get through today and feel stronger for Day 2.

Night Folks,

Sam xxx