Hi Paula, really good to hear from you. Keep posting so can see how you are getting on. Thanks for having a look.
PART ONE (7AM) -
One exercise involved another women and I discussing 'Healthy Protest' which is looking at anger and assertiveness. We had to discuss with each the following:
As a child -
- What happened when you felt upset or cross?
- Who took these feelings seriously and listened to you?
- Did you have temper tantrums? Is so, what provoked them?
- Were you able to say "no" to things you didn't want?
- Could you ask for what you wanted and expected at least to be listened to?
Now (as an adult) -
- Describe an incident in which you felt angry. What happened? What did you do?
- If a friend or your partner does something to upset you, how do you react? (overt anger, rage, sulking, go quiet, secret revenge, feel miserable and do nothing etc)
- Are you able to ask for what you want from those closest to you?
- How do you handle it when you feel let down, rejected or abandoned?
- Has aggression ever caused major problems for you? (broken relationships, police involvement, difficulty at work)
- Do you ever feel put upon, used, abused or taken for granted by others, particularly those close to you?
These questions are from BABI brief attachment-based intervention. As well as covering this they also have questions around fun & exploration, secure base, loss and others.
Firstly, I was initially out of my comfort zone as although myself and the other women are pleasant to each other on the course, we haven't worked together before (I think she felt the same way too). Anyway, we both engaged well in the process and found we had some similarities.
As a child I shared I was unable to say no, but couldn't think of any times I needed to say no (apart from those teenage years) and never had temper tantrums. I thought my feelings were taken seriously, if I shared them but I seem to remember I never really had to ask for what I wanted. That said love and cuddles were freely available, and I was certainly never rebuffed from any of my family. We were very tactile and most of the evening I would be sat with one arm on my mum, the other bit that could reach touching my dad. (tears now stinging my eyes and can't see keyboard as such happy times).
As an adult I made quite a distinction between 'before' (I assume LL journey and the point leading up to it when you start to see your life or the desire to have it slot into place). I guess the second part of the exercise demonstrated I do feel put upon, taken for granted and when somebody upsets me I can go quiet, feel miserable and do nothing. I don't always ask for what I want. Clearly I also EAT too when I feel like this.
My observations of doing this exercise were many, and I felt so interested and engaged as I have come half way through this course now. As I was telling my work partner how I react to anger and she agreed she acted similarly I was telling myself, there is no way I am like her ... I'm no victim. I also felt like a fraud telling her I am unassertive, never ask for what I want and am taken for granted. I had this overwhelming feeling/thought that this is what I have told myself, but the evidence was to the contrary. I do have examples where staff, partner, friends etc have taken the Piste, but I equally have examples where I have said no to people. Maybe I am mixing up the raw emotion which goes on for me when I agonise about saying no because I don't want to let others down? When I have shared with friends how unassertive and full of self doubt I sometimes feel, they are amazed. They tell me how confident I can come across and had no idea I felt like that.
So what is all this telling me?
For sure, I am no victim ..... but I have to admit in some situations I allow myself to be and then moan about how unassertive I am and guess who is taking the Piste now! Also maybe I take my mishaps or unassertive moments out of proportion and perhaps they are only a small part of my life compared to the positives?
PART TWO (9pm)-
Home form today's sessions on the course, even more emotional but I feel in a positive way. Won't bore you with it. The learning point for me is that I do have a good life, great coping mechanism which I have learnt from my experiences and a desire to be the best I can be. Yes I have a few issues about wanting to be perfect and guilt about letting others down, but at least I am aware of this. I think I don't give myself enough credit for what I have and do deal with, always firstly thinking others are better. On the whole i have an internal dialogue which I probably don't always show to others so I must keep a lid on the negative stiff most of the time.
Yes I want to stop eating for no hunger reasons, but we talked about people reverting to their original coping mechanise/attachment style when under stress. I am simply doing that I assume, and am doing it less than I used to. For today I will take that as a positive.
Back to LL -
Last night I had a planned chicken and lamb Kebab, loads of salad and gave the pitta to hubby. We sat at the table, talked and I noticed my eating rather than wolf it down. I also said no to the wine. This morning fair to say was gutted when weighed 11st 8 1/2lbs as only had one pack and a half yesterday!
Today so far had first bar for brekkie and half a chicken soup mixed with a savoury soup. Not felt hungry, although sometimes fancied food today so must be in ketosis. Have just declined a portion of family sized Lemon Meringue Pie from husband, and trying to work out if have salad and protein or go to bed with a choc pack made into a mouse?
Either way, I am not kidding myself I am abstinent, but I think am doing well.
Night Night
Sam xxx
PS -if you fancy checking out your relationship attachment style, here is one of the questionnaires that can be found online: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
2 comments:
That all sounds interesting. I think we might be similar in a least part of what you wrote about. I come across as very confident and certainly not as a victim but can be quite put-upon and, in my relationaship at times, very unassertive, leaving me feeling unhappy low.
Trouble is, when I try to be assertive it always seems to rebound on me. Tricky eh?
Well done on the food front. I would just counsel some caution on the eating....I did what we have been doing before and it degenerated after a week or so and eventually fizzled out. I'm only aiming to do 2 weeks anyway so think I'll be able to cling on but it might be harder if you're going for a longer stint.
Maybe try and have the odd perfect day just to keep your nose to the grindstone....?
Lesley x
This is all very interesting. Sam - you sound like a different person writing this blog (not literally, obviously!). It seems as if the time away has made some things click - it's just an impression, obviously.
Please, please, please keep writing.
I remember I had a lightbulb moment last summer about just how much of a victim I had become and I found it really unattractive in myself. Still a work in progress.
So thank you for posting and making us think!
Big kiss.
Mrs Lxxxxxxx
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