Day 114 - The Struggle Which Is A Saturday Night!

I have just had a mini debate with myself and husband about whether I was going to eat something from the local Take away!!!!!

Hubby is going to have an Indian Meal, and we discussed the pros and cons of me having maybe a chicken Tikka starter or something similar. I know would still be in Ketosis, have two packs left for the day so would limit the damage, but ......... I am only going to do one more week of full packs, so should be on a high from my weight loss and the journey moving to the next stage by next Sunday.

I have decided to post on here (I posted on the MINIs Forum and copied from that!), then go to bed and look through my management books I collected today. On a positive note, I wanted to pick one of the healthy options, husband is really supportive and has let me make up my own mind.

I know it's the crooked thoughts telling me other have eaten for all sorts of occasions and are still in the game, so why shouldn't I have a bit of something? Anyway, off now before get him to add a starter to his order.

I feel sad that maybe I just haven't "GOT IT" and will eventually slip back into crap habits

Day 114 - Weigh Day, Week 16!

I lost 5lbs this week, and I know say this most weeks but I am really, really shocked! To get to my 61kg/9st 6lb target I have less than 4lbs to go. Regardless of what I lose next Saturday, I will be starting Management next Sunday as any remaining I am sure will come off.

I have looked forward to touching a Management book for ages and have finally got them in my grasp. I plan to sit down with a pack tonight and read the books from cover to cover. I have got them the week before so I can understand what I need to do, buy anything I need to and I suppose make an occasion of it.

One item of equipment I may invest in is a George Foreman Grill. Any advice good or bad out there?

I love barbecue meat and veg and could probably eat it most days, so I hope this would satisfy my need for flavour and health in one!

OK .... off to look at a few show homes now with the family to try and get an idea of dimensions.

Sam xx

Day ? More Trousers!

Just a quick post as done in.

Work today and had a few issues tugging at my conscience and normal triggers which would of sent me off eating pre LL.

I had different members of staff who I manage feeling and some telling me in a roundabout way they were disgruntled with my new work pattern. I thought I had made it really clear to them I would actually be more available to them as now doing 4 days one week and 5 the other instead of 3 every week. I also told them even if I was with my other team that I am covering Mon/Tue, I was fully contactable either by email, phone or getting off said backside and talking to me face to face in the other part of THE SAME BUILDING!!!!!!!!!!

To be honest, I know who the instigator of the trouble is, and they have done it with previous managers so I should not be surprised. I have the measure of them and have been challenging things when necessary as not having them or anybody making a noise about something that is unnecessary.

Normally I would dwell on it, agonise about letting people down even if I could see we all have some part to play in personal responsibility. I would always shift blame to me. This would then make me feel like an inadequate manager and the insecurity sets in. Comfort food would then follow until I felt better which could be days down the line if the issue was ongoing.

Now I am not saying I no longer give a rats ass, because feeling like I am good at what I do and do support people is very important to me. However this time I have it in perspective. In actual fact there is only one person I manage who has a legit point (mainly due to me previously being PT and not being available to support in some challenging bits of work at the end of the week). That said in balance, I know that worker does need to take responsibility for it too as they never told me they felt like that despite me asking them and happily gets on with stuff. Therefore I think they are managing it as they tell me so.

The others have had over and above most managers offer, so they can live with it!

I do have some strategies which wanted to put in place anyway, so just motivated me to get on with that bit sooner. My trouble causer will still moan and try and take everybody with her, but I know this is something I have to live with but will keep a tight reign so she has less to use to cause the said trouble.

On that note, am off to bed to try and get shut eye by 10pm. The early nights have slipped again and my bags and brain are starting to feel it.

Kick Fit after work tomorrow

Sam xx

PS ..... I need to find some more trousers as only have weekend pair of jeans (now rather loose on waist) and a pair of work ones in reserve when a few more pounds down. I seem to of overdone it with skirts but no work trousers! Primark can't help as all too long, so looks like I will have to fork out in a shop who caters for the short, hope they have a sale on.

Day ? Happy Birthday Me!

Sorry folks for being away. I have Been fine, just writing in my journal at bedtime as too tired to start logging on here knowing I would then read everybody else BLOG too.

It's my Birthday today and had a really lovely day. David and the girls made me a vanilla coffee (firstly without the coffee!) and brought me my cards and pressies in bed. They bought me some lovely lightweight stripy pink PJ's which I will not be embarrassed to answer the door in, a crispy new Kitchen, Bedroom and Bathrooms magazine and Gok's book (How To Look Good Naked). When I got downstairs was also a huge exotic bouquet of flowers too. Inspired gifts just what I wanted. To be honest has some really lovely well thought out pressies from family and friends.

Later in the morning Olivia and I went to town under the guise of returning a few things and came back with six bags worth!!!!!!!! At some point I hope I will stop shopping, although it's better than eating. I like my bargains as you know and found most items in the sale, including a new work bag as my dated briefcase snapped after almost two years wear. I did not realise how dated I was using it as it seems most people just have large bags. It's large enough to get papers in but I have also decided I no longer need to carry the heavy crap I used to so will scale down.

Spent a fortune on matching underwear in my smaller size from good old M & S, and a few more holiday staples.

Later in the afternoon two friends, their partners and children came round and I prepared a great buffet spread. I prepared lots of it last night to save time and did a selection of adult treats and child friendly party food. I eventually had a vegetable pack more so I could have a sit down with them, rather than being hungry. Last night and today did not feel tempted to eat although I thought on my Birthday would give myself a meal off. I am happily back in my NOT AN OPTION mindset and just want to get the job done now.

Lessons Learned Today -

1. Although I over catered, I did think about not trying to produce too much waste.
2. I made sure David (next two days lunch!) & guests went home with pack up for school/work the next day to minimise waste.
3. Realising still food left and knowing nobody else will eat certain things, have made up a large parcel for David to take to work for work colleagues to tomorrow. I still hate waste after all! LOL
4. Realised that pre-LL I would of picked and ate my way through making the buffet, laying out today and through the evening until I felt uncomfortable. My mentality WAS, I just can't leave it! Anything still left would be stored in the fridge for the next few days as I would refuse to throw anything away. Looking at it with the benefit of hindsight, I allowed myself to be a dustbin.
5. Happily No Alcohol.
6.While packing the food away, I have found myself saying to the girls one minute do you want anymore of something when in reality they would get it themselves as been doing all afternoon. Then on the opposite side of the coin said to Olivia when it was clear she had had enough, I can save some for you for another day or depending on what the food item is Mummy could make that for you another day, you don't have to eat it now. I think the second options are much better and the last thing I want is to put my food issues on them.
7. Following on from that I think I finally I understand that in this day and age as a family we are lucky enough to not have the food run out!!!!! If I am full but loved the flavour of something I could 1.STOP, 2. Make it another day or Visit the restaurant another time. 3. I do not need to eat whatever it is until I can't breath in fear I would never taste such a thing again.

Now I am unsure what I will do when I can eat again and not on management as that's where the hard work starts, but I am determined to be aware of my eating. I will cross that bridge then and try and remember days like this when I have been so happy and in control.

A very positive day it has to be said and unlike the smoked salmon trigger, I will not be putting my face in the fridge!!!!!

I am off upstairs to look at my purchases and clear some space off the bed so David can eventually get in it too. Also need to log that David has been and continues to be such a star and I hope I can prove to him how much I really appreciate him and love him for all of his support.

Day ? Weigh Day, Week 15!

I lost 3lbs today. To be honest was hopeing for more as really really upped the water and of course no cheats!!!!

That said I updated my ticker and realise only have 8.81 lbs to get to my 61kg personal goal so need to get the loss in perspective.

I had decided not to take the management material gain this week, but asked my LLC to wave it in front of my face as motivation. I think I will take the info next week so can prepare and get food in. looking at the forum it looks like trying to work out what yogurts and various things to have due to sugars et al seems complicated, so the more time the better.

I am definite now that whether get to 61kg or not, will start Management after the next two weeks weigh ins. I see no reason why I will not continue to loose, and I should be close by then anyway.

OK, off to prepare my Birthday Buffet now!

Day 100 - I Made It!

I was just shy of my 4 stone target (we all know why!!!) and realise I only have a 11.5 Lbs to my goal! I Can do that and hang on in there before embarking on the World Of Management. It seems so mysterious and exciting.

Today in my group there was only three of us. Few on holiday and sadly one decided she is unable to continue due to medical issues. I am gutted for her, but hope to see her soon and that she gets some answers.



We looked at Crossing the River today out of the Development part of the program. For anybody who has yet to get to this bit, we were asked to draw two island with a river running through it. On one island we plotted where we are now in our lives, the other where we want to be. In the river we placed any possible obstacles to achieving our goals (not just weight loss wise) and finally built a bridge over the river of the tools we would use to get to the other side.



I found it really helpful and confirmed that at the moment I have more positive things going on in my life than negative but at the same time could note any areas for improvements. We all shared with each other this exercise and am pleased to report we are all in happy places. I split mine into my home, husband/children, work, friends, weight/health, exercise/health, projects etc. I won't bore you with all the details but felt really content and happy about my dream home we moved into last July, however I hasten to add it is nowhere near being in dream home state, but has the potential to be so. In terms of hubby, children & friends I felt my relationship with them all was so much better but had a little way to go to be exactly how I would want them. This is most apparent when it come to friends who still expect you to be the person they met originally. Despite moving on at different periods in your life, they still keep some of the same views of you and refuse to move on too about specific issues.



When it came to weight/health/exercise I felt really happy and could acknowledge not only the weight loss, but the good blood pressure I now have and I am back to loving exercise. I have settled on wanting to be 9 st 7lbs. This is when I wish to start Management and hopefully go on to have a buffer of between 9st and 9st 7 lbs.



Due to my silly and recent blip I will take Development one week at a time, and decided in the end not to take the Management Book. Depending on where I am with my weight loss, I will take the books nearer to goal so I can be organised and plan my meals. I would love to have at least 3/4 weeks of Management in the bank before I go on holiday. I have a little over 7 weeks for that so should be OK.



Normal Blogging will commence now confessed all and focus back on end prize.



Just need some time to catch up on everybody else and see how you have all got on.



Sam xx

Day 97, 98 & 99 - A Struggle, but Made It!

The last 3 days have been tough but got easier each day. I have read that people have struggled getting back on track after a binge, but only really understood it once been there myself. Anybody thinking about it or even considering continuing with a binge I do not recommend it.

I think I have just summed up what happened during a conversation with David when I told him I was not going to attend a couple of things coming up. To be honest I was never keen on attending them in the first place so can't attribute that to my current feelings.





I told David that somewhere along the line I took my eye off the ball, became increasingly relaxed around food and became complacent because I am near my goal.





The binge has left me with an unpleasant glimpse at some of my old feelings and habits. The first is of course feeling out of control. I felt 'FAT' for the first time in ages, full of self doubt and did not feel happy and confident about my body image. I felt like I did not want to join in/attend things rather than giving myself that extra push to get out of the door. I realise too I probably was feeling some anxiety about starting my new role at work this week which went towards the negativity and destructive behaviour that has happened over the previous days. Physically I have felt and looked bloated and uncomfortable; have awful and uncontrollable wind; breath is horrid; felt hungry and the list goes on. The bloat, although better has gone on for days which I am surprised about.





I have weighed myself each morning (nothing new for some weeks!) to see if can work out what damage I have caused. To be honest I think at worse I will stay the same. Unless the weight boomerangs back on for Saturday, I should of still lost a tad. I have to accept unlikely to get my 4 stone loss at the end of foundation, but feel comfortable taking responsibility for that.





At this weeks class will take the Management books to read and no doubt make preparations to plan the first few meals. However I intend to take full packs for the next week and feel my eye is back on the prize. I do not want to feel like I have failed/done half a job like I did at WW all those years ago. I believe it's likely I will loose a bit more in the first few weeks on Management, but know I can't rely on a full stone.





A few things my LLC said to me when I confessed to her have stuck in my head, and I feel make a lot of sense. She said in reality that it may not take as long as I think to get to my goal as I believe it will in my head. Secondly she said that Management is hard enough without trying to loose more weight, and I really need to be going into it from the point of abstinence (not binging!!). She knows how I feel about failing and said she doesn't want me to feel like I have by not getting to my goal. I must say she is a great LLC and I am so glad it never worked out with the Nottingham one. Just shows you things happen for a reason, even if at the time you are not so sure.

Day 95 - What The Funk????

OK, What The Funk Is Wrong With Me?

x3 slices of bread, butter, cheese and a mini cheese string??????

Is this :-

1. just crooked thought winning the argument for a change?


2. because I missed my group on Saturday?


3. or because I am ready to eat?

My stomach looks and feels bloated and I feel P... Off, I should of eaten protein not carbs if anything. I am now dreaming about eating a roast chicken al la ATKINS when I work from home tomorrow!

I wonder if I should go into work Tuesday?????

I am not even that P..... Off with myself.

Day 94 - Start of Fall From Grace?

After a Primark spending spree for some more basics for work, and a heavy trying on session have finally made it into bed. Plus had a lovely facial and massage at the Elemis Counter. Have booked another for 5 weeks time.



I have already had a taste of some smoked salmon out of the fridge and it was gorgeous. Sadly I then went back to the kitchen and weighed out 50g, added a mini cheese string. I told David as not adding lying about food to my behaviour. Seems so silly with only a stone to go, but think it's just showing me I am ready to eat. To try and make up for the extras, I dropped two packs.



I think I will make this commitment to myself -

• Not miss another group


• It's still not acceptable to pick at food as it hasn't been before


• Commit to another 7 lbs off, and see how I feel about Management (MMMMMM that would make me 10st 1lb, actually I am not happy about that weight and certainly feel the scales need to say 9st something!)


• Do a Thought Record and read some of the Foundation book.

I must say a savoured every piece of salmon and really tasted it.

Day 93 - Fab Night!

Back from a truly Fabulous night out with three female friends. They had a meal, wine etc in Fat Cat while I had plenty of soda water with flavour and a black coffee. This is my first meal out like this and was pleased to say it was without any problems.


I felt good, looked good and even had great hair after morning trip to hairdressers. I had on my pretty matching underwear, new heels (needed a bit of practice walking!!) and felt a million dollars.


Today was the shopping spree with my different set of chums. Making the most of not going to my group I booked a hair treatment while they had lunch. I then met them and they were pleasantly shocked at how much weight I had lost. Really really supportive and said they were going to be my Trinny & Susanah for the afternoon. The first stop was getting measured at M & S which I was not that fussed with, but when there could see the merits of getting the boobs sorted. We all decided to get measure and the assistant was lovely and came up with good recommendations for all of us. She told me I was now ............ (drum roll please) ......

36c.

I was so shocked. I never thought I would be that size again. This was my first proper size when they had stopped growing many many moons ago when at senior school. I did make the comment that they are not quite as pert as they were back then, but hey I can't have it all. LOL.
I was happy to go and buy some cheap undies elsewhere, but chums made me buy matching undies and to be honest they were right and I am glad I did.

Next I asked them to take me in shops I would not dare to go in pre LL or alone. I have often looked in the window of Zara, but thought everything looked the size of a postage stamp. Not convinced would find anything, they grabbed things of the shelf for me and we all tried a few things on. I liked a lovely white linen skirt which they wanted me to buy, but with an extra stone to go stuck to my guns and didn't. It was also expensive and my head was still in Primark!

A bit more shopping and we ended up in John Lewis. They needed hats/dresses for Ascot (not my bag so never go with them). I finally gave in and bought a white linen skirt with a small motif on the bottom and a brown vest top to go with it. I must admit I felt nice in them and looked slim. £57 later and I had an outfit for the evening. We said our goodbye's and i rushed home to get ready to go out later.

When I met my friends in the evening, they too were happily shocked and said I looked great. No negative comments, but one did say 'I won't go too far will I'. I just smiled and said no, I am nearly there. They were interested in the counselling side and as said above we had a great evening talking and having a laugh. I even got a bit more male attention again as we walked about the town. It is nice to no longer be invisible or the bubbly/likes a laugh fat one.

Today's Achievements -

• 36C
• Matching/nice undies
• new outfit
• meal out, no regrets or cravings to eat with them
• driving back home knowing no chance over the limit or hangover the next day
• realise I am looking forward to going out again and dressing up

Day 90 - Salsa Night!

Thanks for the Wolf Whistles Ladies.

Am I now back in the game for them also from builders with builders bum shouting me off scaffolding, or am I too old for that now?

I Tonight I am at my Salsa Class at 8pm. I hate it now it's at the later time, and to be honest each week puts more excuses into my head not to go due to the delay. I will keep going as I really enjoy it when there. Tonight after the class going to pop in for a coffee and see a friend who not too well for an hour.

I will have Ella tomorrow and be having her daughter Thursday morning. We will have a few jobs to do including me taking them to a weigh in as won't be in class on Saturday. I am really disappointed about that as the group will be doing the first week of development. I am finally having the many times postponed shop trip with friends on Saturday. I have to say it is no longer spectacular as we are going to have a few hours in Nottingham! The other two girls wanted it in the first place and do not sound excited by it, I wish I had just said I'm not bothering too. Ah well, have manged to squeeze a hair appointment in which is long overdue in the morning if not in the LL class, and then meet them after their lunch for the shop.

They haven't seen me for many weeks so think they will be quite amazed. Blimey for the first time ever beginning before we even started junior school, bar the one occasion I had lost some baby weight and my best friend was pregnant ....... I will no longer be the fat friend. That feels good and long may it continue. I must also say when they said a few words last time we went out about me not being the same as not drinking etc, I am so so glad I did this diet and did not cave in to temptation. In the scheme of the life I have ahead of me, it's only been a small part of time out of my life and worth every penny.

There ends my advert for LL today.

My LLC has a introduction session when I go and get weighed tomorrow so she says I can be an advert when I get there for some of the people. Who would of thought I would be at the other side. It only feels five minutes since I sat there in my own Introduction meeting and considered if I was going to be ripped off!

Right, Salsa beckons. I hope the dance moves don't get even more intimate or I will need a signed consent form from David to say I can attend, LOL

Day 89 - Comments I Did Not Expect!

Back to work today, which was of course busy with fewer hours in the day than I could of done with. Millions of emails which hardly touched and a line of people wanting to talk to me about all sorts etc etc. However, only one more day to go and off again with my babies. It will be next week I start my new hours, already I wonder if it's the right choice. BUT ........ as keep telling myself, will give it a go and not let anybody think they are going to take advantage and give me their jobs as well as my own!

Well it felt like ages since I had actually been in the office, and I had some lovely and some quite extreme reactions today. One on my way back from the shops at lunchtime a women I used to manage ran out of her office and caught me in the foyer and wanted to know what I had done to myself. She said I looked great. Another as I went upstairs back to my office was from a women I see around in the building but do not really know. She saw me, walked over to me and asked if I had lost weight. I happily bleated over 3 1/2 stone as she continued to look open mouthed at me. She congratulated me and told me she needed to get back to the gym herself or stop paying the membership and then we talked briefly about what classes I do at the gym. Had a few more of such comments today from people which were all greatly appreciated. However I want to run this one past you, as did not see this coming at any point!!!!!!!

In my team, one of the chaps I manage saw me this morning and looked shocked. He quickly asked what I had done (friendly way) and said I looked different. We then discussed a few cases so I could be updated and agreed we would travel together to a meeting later in the morning. Over the day have seen him a few times and he still kept asking me what I had done in the week since I last saw him. He then said something about how he and another guy in the team have noticed the change and wondered how, as he did the actions with his hands but meant I was now curving in the right places!!!!!!!!!!! I made some slightly embarrassed comment about not being able to say that to his own manager. He also added other female team members have noticed to try and detract from him and this guy discussing my new figure. I know I shouldn't of done, but I said I assume I look better now like this, and this is where I really did not expect the reaction ........ He Nodded very affirmatively with a sort of look in his eye!

Blimey. I have to say, this guy is happily married, there is no sexual tension between us and he is just a easy going member of my team. I was just not expecting that my weight loss and the inevitable taking a bit more care of the way I dress and look would have this affect on anyone other than me and my husband. Naive now I think about it, but blimey, blimey, blimey. When I got home just had to tell David who thought it was funny.

On the clothes front I posted about last time, I can report I could squeeze into and fasten the size 10's from DP's and Primark which was quite surreal. I managed to pour myself into some trousers in the same size but could not fasten them, but for £5 thought with another stone to go would be worth having. Chuffed as you can imagine. After trying on the new threads, I thought I'd better check the work outfit I had got out and ironed was OK. I looked at the size 16 skirt, tried it on as you guessed it was too big. It's also a very long skirt as that's what I used to wear all the time. I now realise what a fool I looked like, and it only looks worse on my now smaller frame.

At this point, at 10pm an a Monday night before going back to work, I began to feel frightened and wondered what the hack I was going to wear. I only had one pair of jeans and thought I was going to have to take a trip to 24 hr Tesco to get some work trousers or a skirt. I then realised I could go in one of my new ones and proceed to make a new outfit. I even had to ask David to put a new notch in my belt! I still truly can't believe this.

Today I felt great. New size 10 skirt, smaller belt and new handbag. I almost felt like a groomed women! LOL. Not sure will ever be a makeup before leave the house person, life's too short.

One final observation I have had today and a few other ocassions is something Lesley has mentioned before. I noticed people that I previously thought looked at ideal weight and may of even wished I could be their size, seemed overweight now. It sort of seems I can't notice on myself the weight loss, and like last night thought their was a conspiracy and somebody had been sewing in size 10 & 12's into my clothes, when really I am still big. That said I can somehow see other either getting bigger or probably more likely staying the same but I have less of me to compare with them now.

Ok, am off to bed to read now. Been to aerobics tonight and Salsa tommorow.

Night xx

Day 88 - A Bit More!

the girls and I had a great day today and are now sound asleep in bed as they should be. Painting the pots was brill, albeit more expensive than I thought. As I should of anticipated, the girls wanted to paint some of the most expensive and child friendly items rather than a boring tile or something mini. Olivia chose sleeping beauty, Lucy picked the tooth fairy. I joined them and selected a large mug with a heart on it.

It was really therapeutic and something a bit different for us all to do. I will be able to collect the items next week once they have been in the oven and I will post our works of art on my BLOG when I get them. They were really well behaved and a nice ending to the holidays.

Another bit of good and unexpected news was from someone I went to school with who now owns a beauty salon. I had popped in for a quick appointment and she told me she was 19wks pregnant. She has had so many GY problems and various procedures and operations and to be honest come to terms with no children over the years. I am so so pleased for her and gave her a big hug and smacker on the cheek. She has already had many scans due to her history but has another at 20wk so fingers crossed all is still well.

David has just popped out for something, so I have decided to make him a meal for his return. A lovely salad, rice and beef teriyaki. I have really enjoyed preparing the veg and extras to go with it for him. I did contemplate whether eating a raw piece of red onion would be a problem with my chicken pack, but quickly ignored myself in event became slippery slope.

As said before, I am ready to cook and plan healthy meals again. Hopefully now that David has had a large dose of it he will be just as active in the planning stakes so it's a shared responsibility for the family. Perhaps to prevent further temptation once back in the food saddle he could continue to do the overall shop?

Bought a few size 10 & 12's today, mainly variety of skirts as only really have one in my wardrobe which will be wearing for work. I felt fraud enough buying the 12's never mind about the 10's. Will try them on later. As some were real bargains I assume that after at least another stone off I will be in the 10 range. Have had some success fitting into some size 12's before, so will see how it goes and let you know. How strange that sounds to me. Lucy's mum told me today I looked tiny. That feels especially strange as I have always looked at her as one of my very petite friends who I assumed was a size 10. She said not and hopes for cast offs from me when they are too big!!!!!!!

Funny old world. Who would of thought it only a few short months ago!

Day 88 - Last Day of Freedom!

Just a quick post (I always say that!). Olivia and I are off school and work today as she has an inset day. I have also offered to look after her friend Lucy for the day who is also off for the same reason from another school. I plan to catch the tram with them into town, take them for lunch and have been looking at going to a 'Paint A Pot'. Never been before but thought would occupy a few more hours and in return they could make a pressie for Fathers Day.

I am looking forward to it, but it's struck me that although Olivia & Ella have not really made an issue about me not eating with them, Lucy may well ask why I am not eating. She is a really bright child and not as likely to accept it so easily. That said I will just say I will eat later and leave it at that.

Back to work tomorrow which is always hard when been off for so long. The week after I will be trying my FT/9 day fortnight! No doubt will discover what the other managers have requested in terms of me helping the other team out! Well, won't worry about that now, it's my last day of freedom. Everybody's school, nursery & work clothes are ironed ready for the week, school bags packed so at least I don't have that to worry about.

I must say I am also looking forward to getting my Saturdays back once done Foundation and Development. I love the time away but it is a fair few hours away. I know the current management class is on a Thursday evening. If that remains the same I am thinking I could work that to my advantage with the Work Life Balance hours. Instead of finishing work at 5pm, I could stay till late and go straight to the management class. Thus preventing commute home in rush hour & accrue more hours.

May see you later

Sam

Day 86 - Weigh In!

Lost 1lb this week! Have to say felt disappointed as had expected as a minimum 2/3lbs following usual standards. That said had on very light clothes last week, when usually wear jeans each week. Today had on my new pair , therefore I knew it was a possibility the lost weight on the scales was not going to be huge. Still it's yet another reminder how damaged my thought process is when it comes to scales, weight loss and how it affects my mood.

I must say had a wonderful group again today and my slight dissapointment left quite quickly. Now have two weigh ins until the end of Foundation, so will cross my fingers for a 6lbs loss to take me to 4 stone!

As the group is at different levels as said before, this week was actually week 14 in the program (some of us are wk13, 12 & 11 in reality). We completed our feedback sheet in the back of the Foundation book and handed that into our LLC at the same time as the wk 3 one we all did. Plus another one about why we were overweight. This included reasons such a slow metabolism, having children, lack of exercise and comfort eating. My first reason for being overweight was comfort eating. Did not use any of the excuses like slow metabolism.

After this we talked through the positives, negatives & any regrets of the last weeks (P 140).

The last exercise we did was to all take a blank piece of paper and add our names. We then had to pass it on to the person next to us and note down a positive about them. The paper was then folded over so your answer could not be seen by the next person and passed on each time to the person next to you until you got your own back. By the end we all had a full dose of positives strokes, and I felt this supplemented the Self Esteem Quiz I did on Mrs BLOG Page. There were less people today for one reason or another, but mine said -

• Very positive/inspiration
• Supportive, Friendly
• Support & cheerfulness, stroking
• She is the sparkle on your Xmas tree, always positive.

How lovely is that? I felt really happy with that & helped me realise I am not a fat miserable, Worse Case Scenario (WCS) girl who can't be bothered to go out with her friends! There are other things I think of myself that I could add, but I would be here all afternoon. Once again it just goes to show you we can have certain images of ourselves which are completely incorrect or somewhat skewed from reality. Yes I am the WCS person, but I'm not all the time every day of the week. The same with being miserable. I know with the latter trait this is something I also remember one of my sisters in particular calling me and it has stuck so much. When in reality as a young women growing up I was just being a teenager who had lost both parents (aunts, uncles, dogs, friends to name but a few), had a string of undesirable boyfriends and was starting to make my place in the world. Nevertheless I even remember examples of one sister agreeing with a particular boyfriend that I was stroppy and in effect he did well to put up with it. Wheres the solidarity in that sis?

I feel like I need to qualify this and say I love my sisters (they are twins and like chalk and cheese. I used to name them the soft sister and hard one! I also have a brother who will be 58yrs) who have been there for me in so many ways it makes me cry thinking about how lucky I was and still am to have them in my life. They are from a completely different time and generation to me (they are 55yrs), and have not had any of the opportunities that were either offered to me or in reality I took. So much so they both still live together and always will. I know one sister has turned down marriage proposals and both put their lives on hold to care for people, including our mum who had cancer for many years before dying. They also had their father who one of them would visit every night to keep him company, clean & make a dinner for him (all after going to work FT). I sometimes went with them as a child and I assume this began when our mother and their father separated. It continued until he died too.

After he died I remember thinking they could have a life now, but then they started looking after our next door neighbour who became more frail, ill and eventually died over the years. I felt cross and said so sometimes that she had children and where were they looking after their mother? That said she was a lovely lady who was friends with our mum and her family didn't live close, I just thought what a bloody injustice for my sisters. After watching my sisters taking on more and more roles whether it was down to them or not, I decided I would never do that. Therefore when I met David (not first date or anything) I made it clear I would never, ever be having his parents or other family members to live with us if they became ill or whatever reason. I also made clear I would not be a carer for anybody and be visiting people on a daily basis. This view is so matter a fact and out in the open in David's and my family now. Of course I would not be abandoning anybody, but would not let it take over whatever life I have left, nor will I expect my girls to look after D avid & I. My sisters fully support it and talk about what they had to do and how it did have an impact on their own lives. Sadly some years ago Davids Dad had a stroke which eventually meant he could not go home. He now lives in a home near David's mum (in fact that's where David and the girls are now).

Look, I've done it again. Started off positive and now dragging up the past. I suppose one way or another it's all relevant on this voyage of discovery. As Lesely comments, there is no point doing the BLOG without being honest.

With the house to myself, I think I will go and try on a few clothes .....