Before Session (10:10am) -
I really look forward to Saturdays now because it's both weigh in day and I really want to get something out of the counselling. Today I think she said she would measure us again and in the book we are going to talk about Psychological Hunger (Week 5 in the book). We also get a exercise DVD and bands. I know if I can crack this, I will be on my way to sorting this part of my life out. Although I miss not have my class on a Thursdays, just because I am an impatient person, it's great getting to the Saturday as I can tell myself I am already well into the next week. I have told myself to be happy with a 3Ib weight loss, although I have to be honest I would love to break into the next weight barrier IE: instead of 13 stone something, to be 12 stone something. In reality I must of done this as we of course get weighed in class with clothes on!
I looked through some old books I had written in, from 1998 and what is so bloody sad and such a waste of time....... I was saying the same old thing about my life and me. Don't get me wrong I have done well in my life IE: family, nice house, career, friends and generally able to make choices which have suited me. But ....... I had still written about feeling unhappy about my body, fitness and lack of commitment and willpower in relation to it. To be honest I was trying to check what was my lowest weight, but I couldn't find it until recent years. My weight was around the point I am now, so I feel psychologically I need to move well past this point to feel like I have achieved.
After LL Group -
I am pleased to say I lost 3.5 Ibs and enjoyed my group today. We talked about how we fill our time and how some of that can be productive, other times not. Again I think it's about being more aware of what you are doing and you specific triggers. We all were given the exercise DVD and bands to use.
When I came home I was itching to do some form of exercise and decided to walk the girls some distance to a shop and back. I managed to clock up 9,000 steps and the girls didn't moan! In the same vein of my earlier part of the post, I feel I want us to be all more active. while it will never be safe again for my girls when they are older to roam the streets with their friends from early morning till tea time like it was for perhaps most of us in the past. I need to be more creative and join them.
There is a quote I came across while on one of my seminars which I loved :-
"If you always do what you've always done you will always get what you've always got"
This sums up for me this diet and the direction I want my life as a whole to move in. Obviously what I have done in the past specific to healthy eating/diets ain't worked!
Saturday, 31 March 2007
Friday, 30 March 2007
Day 22 - Chicken & Chips?
Hubby been for small portion of fish & chips tonight with addition of peas and a fish cake!
He laid the said food out and talked about how he thought that was an adequate portion, and seemed to feel on the righteous side as he picked the mini portion as opposed to normal size. I look at the plate now and it's a huge portion. I suddenly had a flash back to when I was a child.
I can't remember what age I was other than I was a school child, and more likely junior school onwards.
I think it probably started as a treat when I first had chicken and chips with my family. I loved it, and still do today. So much so best friends would be able to win a prize if somebody was to ask them what my favourite meal is ever!!!
Anyway...... I agreed with Hubby that even this small portion looks huge, and started to talk about how I used to eat a normal size chips, chicken breast and pot of gravy as a child and would eat it all up! Also that I distinctly remember feeling so full and uncomfortable during the meal. However you guessed it, I never left a scarp. And also remember bread and thick butter with this!!!!!
As I talked about this with hubby felt quite emotional, not so he noticed as was not wanting a response. The feeling just sort of came over me and I just wanted to cry.
I love my family, and by no means did we eat this every night, but how could they let me eat all that. Why didn't they perhaps let me have a chicken leg with a few of somebody else chips? I also distinctly remember being the one who most of the time asked if we could have chicken & chips, and managed most times to creep round my uncle, who had the car to take me to the chippy. My scenario remind me of some of the overweight kids you see on TV programs where the parents either give them sweets, large meals etc. When the parents sense danger and cut back, the kids put on the emotional guilt trip so the parents usually cave in. After all to provide food for your child when they are asking for it is what a good parent does isn't it? RIGHT!!!!!!
I don't mind being the women who loves chicken of any description, but I now realise I probably use this 'meal' to make me feel better if had a bad day, as a reward, comfort etc. It probably takes me back when all my family were together, alive and well thinking about it like that. Of course now I have many comfort takeaway meals I can rely on as well as chicken.
I think of my own babies, and I seem to be getting more aware of when they tell me they are full, even if it looks like they have had hardly anything. I either try to leave it available as they are real grazers, or if eaten enough say OK and take it away. At the moment I am less worried about them. They are slim, prefer fruit and are active.
OK, further flashback..... I seem to remember that we had the chip meal in the evening when my uncle came round. That means I must of eaten after school time too!!!!! No wonder I was fat, I was probably lucky not to be so obese. I think this must be because I was in all the school sport teams, had a BMX and we used to ride for miles (once we rode to east Midlands Airport, lucky we not killed and certainly would of been if mother ever found out!!!!), took dogs a walk. All the things kids should do now, but stay in and watch TV/Computer etc.
I feel really sad and as I've said before, and know I will say this again........ Not for my girls!
He laid the said food out and talked about how he thought that was an adequate portion, and seemed to feel on the righteous side as he picked the mini portion as opposed to normal size. I look at the plate now and it's a huge portion. I suddenly had a flash back to when I was a child.
I can't remember what age I was other than I was a school child, and more likely junior school onwards.
I think it probably started as a treat when I first had chicken and chips with my family. I loved it, and still do today. So much so best friends would be able to win a prize if somebody was to ask them what my favourite meal is ever!!!
Anyway...... I agreed with Hubby that even this small portion looks huge, and started to talk about how I used to eat a normal size chips, chicken breast and pot of gravy as a child and would eat it all up! Also that I distinctly remember feeling so full and uncomfortable during the meal. However you guessed it, I never left a scarp. And also remember bread and thick butter with this!!!!!
As I talked about this with hubby felt quite emotional, not so he noticed as was not wanting a response. The feeling just sort of came over me and I just wanted to cry.
I love my family, and by no means did we eat this every night, but how could they let me eat all that. Why didn't they perhaps let me have a chicken leg with a few of somebody else chips? I also distinctly remember being the one who most of the time asked if we could have chicken & chips, and managed most times to creep round my uncle, who had the car to take me to the chippy. My scenario remind me of some of the overweight kids you see on TV programs where the parents either give them sweets, large meals etc. When the parents sense danger and cut back, the kids put on the emotional guilt trip so the parents usually cave in. After all to provide food for your child when they are asking for it is what a good parent does isn't it? RIGHT!!!!!!
I don't mind being the women who loves chicken of any description, but I now realise I probably use this 'meal' to make me feel better if had a bad day, as a reward, comfort etc. It probably takes me back when all my family were together, alive and well thinking about it like that. Of course now I have many comfort takeaway meals I can rely on as well as chicken.
I think of my own babies, and I seem to be getting more aware of when they tell me they are full, even if it looks like they have had hardly anything. I either try to leave it available as they are real grazers, or if eaten enough say OK and take it away. At the moment I am less worried about them. They are slim, prefer fruit and are active.
OK, further flashback..... I seem to remember that we had the chip meal in the evening when my uncle came round. That means I must of eaten after school time too!!!!! No wonder I was fat, I was probably lucky not to be so obese. I think this must be because I was in all the school sport teams, had a BMX and we used to ride for miles (once we rode to east Midlands Airport, lucky we not killed and certainly would of been if mother ever found out!!!!), took dogs a walk. All the things kids should do now, but stay in and watch TV/Computer etc.
I feel really sad and as I've said before, and know I will say this again........ Not for my girls!
Wednesday, 28 March 2007
Day 20 - Only 80+ To Go
Just a quick one tonight as still not caught up yet from the hour change.
Had a busy day at work, nothing really of note and I am pleased I have finished for this week. Can't remember if told you I currently work PT Monday - Wednesday and it is alleged I have a work/life balance. MMMMMM? I guess that's why I am continually apologising for not being able to attend events and meetings which people arrange, say they really want me to attend but set them for the end of the week! Either that or I end up working mainly on a Thursday as well without the extra days pay and also foot the extra childcare costs or have to cash in yet another favour from friends or family (I am very in debt at the moment!!!!).
I have just had my last pack, had a look at the forum and shuffled a few papers around on my desk.
I went to my salsa class tonight (week 3) and really enjoyed it, in fact I felt quite alive with it. Felt the usual can't be bothered to go when I came home from work but really glad my friend and I attended. We are starting to learn even more moves as well as clapping during the sequences which tend to throw me out of my wood rhythm. Some of the men who rotate with us are learning too, other are a bit like wet fish and have the rhythm of Pinocchio.
I mentioned to my friend if she wanted to try squash as hubby refuses to do it anymore, so this may be on the cards soon. I miss it, although that makes It sound as if I did it in the recent past. The best I can say hubby and I did it in the past and pre children so that takes me back a fair while. Actually playing with him was not the best as I hate being the underdog especially with him, and I hate to admit he was actually better.
Off to bed xx
Monday, 26 March 2007
Day 18 - Back to Work!
I've done it again! Caught up with everybody else on their BLOG and now run out of steam for my own.
Just a quick one I think tonight.
Returned to work which was OK and concentrated on a few tasks should of done before went on leave, so that felt good. Had millions of emails which only scratched the surface, same with my in tray. Bugger, just realised am out of office again all day Tuesday, and lunch provided!!!!! I know I can do this, but it's getting boring now and to be honest my heart is not in the day at all. Would rather be in office and use time to catch up. Ah well, better pack up my flask of hot water, chopped up bar and find something to read in my car. On a scarier note I realise I should of completed a task for the day and I haven't. Better look at that later.
My colleague at work also wants to loose weight. We don't know each other well so I haven't told her or anybody as yet. She had a lovely pack up today and I could smell the celery and fresh veg. I then had one of my soups and we got talking. She referred to me as Waisting Away Before Her Eyes and had noticed I have lost weight! He He.
I had to wear a belt on my trousers today to prevent them falling off, they were simply loose last week.
Cheese, you will not beat me!!!!
Am off to bed to read my copy of LOOK Magazine. It's a pleasure to look at fashion pages now as I really believe I can either fit in it now, or can buy one in only a short time.
Night Night xx
Just a quick one I think tonight.
Returned to work which was OK and concentrated on a few tasks should of done before went on leave, so that felt good. Had millions of emails which only scratched the surface, same with my in tray. Bugger, just realised am out of office again all day Tuesday, and lunch provided!!!!! I know I can do this, but it's getting boring now and to be honest my heart is not in the day at all. Would rather be in office and use time to catch up. Ah well, better pack up my flask of hot water, chopped up bar and find something to read in my car. On a scarier note I realise I should of completed a task for the day and I haven't. Better look at that later.
My colleague at work also wants to loose weight. We don't know each other well so I haven't told her or anybody as yet. She had a lovely pack up today and I could smell the celery and fresh veg. I then had one of my soups and we got talking. She referred to me as Waisting Away Before Her Eyes and had noticed I have lost weight! He He.
I had to wear a belt on my trousers today to prevent them falling off, they were simply loose last week.
Cheese, you will not beat me!!!!
Am off to bed to read my copy of LOOK Magazine. It's a pleasure to look at fashion pages now as I really believe I can either fit in it now, or can buy one in only a short time.
Night Night xx
Saturday, 24 March 2007
Day 16 - Weigh Day!
Attended for the second week my new group and quite enjoyed it. People are starting to gel together a bit now and of course the weight is melting away.
This week we talked a bit more about Parent/Child voices in our head (Week 4) and I knew that mine had been talking quite a lot over the last week. Still feeling a bit aggrieved about my naughty voice telling me to eat a bit of meat or a slice of cheese either before a food pack or instead of. It keeps telling me that others have still lost!!! Bugger off. I reply in my Adult voice that I can do without the meat, and comfort myself that this will be the first thing I can eat when I maintain. Also knowing myself it would just be a very quick slippery slope into eating full stop, and I'm not going there.
On a really positive note I have lost -
and I am over the moon. I put on one of my wrap dresses Friday, and I was amazed that it wrapped round so much further than usual. It all feels a bit unreal at the moment as I look in the mirror and see me in the same shape. Again I think it's probably the start of voices telling me that another 84 days plus is not achievable.
I have faced some challenges this week, which would of been a problem before starting the program. As I said in a earlier post I attended a seminar and managed to avoid the food with relative ease, same also at a Home Building Show at the NEC on Friday. I managed to do over 10,000 steps that day and really enjoyed the day with Hubby and no kids. It was bliss for lots of reasons, not least as we met a great architect who we were impressed with. It seems the long search for one is now over, and I am also pleased if I'm honest she was a women.
Unfortunately back to work Monday and I can feel myself feeling a bit depressed about it. Previously I may well of eaten through the day. I like my job, I think it's just with all the leave/Training/Seminars I've been on, I haven't been in the office much. Oh well, will just have to prepare for a busy day. HEY IT PAYS FOR LL!
This week we talked a bit more about Parent/Child voices in our head (Week 4) and I knew that mine had been talking quite a lot over the last week. Still feeling a bit aggrieved about my naughty voice telling me to eat a bit of meat or a slice of cheese either before a food pack or instead of. It keeps telling me that others have still lost!!! Bugger off. I reply in my Adult voice that I can do without the meat, and comfort myself that this will be the first thing I can eat when I maintain. Also knowing myself it would just be a very quick slippery slope into eating full stop, and I'm not going there.
On a really positive note I have lost -
1 Stone in 2 weeks, 2 days
and I am over the moon. I put on one of my wrap dresses Friday, and I was amazed that it wrapped round so much further than usual. It all feels a bit unreal at the moment as I look in the mirror and see me in the same shape. Again I think it's probably the start of voices telling me that another 84 days plus is not achievable.
I have faced some challenges this week, which would of been a problem before starting the program. As I said in a earlier post I attended a seminar and managed to avoid the food with relative ease, same also at a Home Building Show at the NEC on Friday. I managed to do over 10,000 steps that day and really enjoyed the day with Hubby and no kids. It was bliss for lots of reasons, not least as we met a great architect who we were impressed with. It seems the long search for one is now over, and I am also pleased if I'm honest she was a women.
Unfortunately back to work Monday and I can feel myself feeling a bit depressed about it. Previously I may well of eaten through the day. I like my job, I think it's just with all the leave/Training/Seminars I've been on, I haven't been in the office much. Oh well, will just have to prepare for a busy day. HEY IT PAYS FOR LL!
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
Day 12 - Gold Star Please ***
Today I attended my conference which was quite lavish in terms of food ... Coffee and Danish upon arrival; more and then some for first break; did not see the lunch but speakers praised it; and then finally more coffee and variety of cakes for last break! By the way the Confernce was very good too and motivating.
I realised something today and with glee talked to hubby who seemed to get what I was talking about. I have a choice ....
If I want to be slim and healthy forever I can choose to make good choices, rather than perhaps having everything that is on offer. And unfortunately I come form the school of not wanting to miss out or feel somebody has missed me out. Hence I will have that danish etc etc because I've paid for it, everybody else is having one and life can't be fair if I have to miss out and so it continues.
I noticed in the last break when in the queue for my black coffee, that two slightly overweight men were getting excited about the cake available. I suddenly realised I can have a piece (once off abstinence and maintaining) but what I can probably not have is high fat food at all sittings on a regular basis and not expect consequences. I also noticed that at neither break was I hungry but realise had I not been on LL I would of had something at each sitting as it's part of the routine on a course.
I also realise that I do not attend a course every week and maybe even ocassionally I could get away with a bit of something at each sitting, but that would have to mean I could not go home and crack open the wine and go out friday night for a meal and still expect to have a saturday night takeaway too. I know none of this is rocket science, and believe me I have read books, magazines, listend to WW, SW etc leaders telling me this over the years however I suppose I never really belived it or fully commited to it.
Take a typical takeaway that my hubby and I would share. I would plough through eating what was my full share even when my stomach told me ages ago it was full (if I heard it at all) and even when I need to undo clothes and feel uncomfortable. Hubby will eat his and always, always leaves stuff on his plate. What a waste I cry. I am sure you are not surprised to hear my hubby has never been overweight and does not always understand the struggle which can go on in my head.
OK, that's enough rambling on now. I hope I haven't baffled too many of you with such drift. It is all starting to make sense to me.
On that note am off to make some crisps and try tobasco sauce hubby has bought for me.
TIPS OF TODAY
I realised something today and with glee talked to hubby who seemed to get what I was talking about. I have a choice ....
If I want to be slim and healthy forever I can choose to make good choices, rather than perhaps having everything that is on offer. And unfortunately I come form the school of not wanting to miss out or feel somebody has missed me out. Hence I will have that danish etc etc because I've paid for it, everybody else is having one and life can't be fair if I have to miss out and so it continues.
I noticed in the last break when in the queue for my black coffee, that two slightly overweight men were getting excited about the cake available. I suddenly realised I can have a piece (once off abstinence and maintaining) but what I can probably not have is high fat food at all sittings on a regular basis and not expect consequences. I also noticed that at neither break was I hungry but realise had I not been on LL I would of had something at each sitting as it's part of the routine on a course.
I also realise that I do not attend a course every week and maybe even ocassionally I could get away with a bit of something at each sitting, but that would have to mean I could not go home and crack open the wine and go out friday night for a meal and still expect to have a saturday night takeaway too. I know none of this is rocket science, and believe me I have read books, magazines, listend to WW, SW etc leaders telling me this over the years however I suppose I never really belived it or fully commited to it.
Take a typical takeaway that my hubby and I would share. I would plough through eating what was my full share even when my stomach told me ages ago it was full (if I heard it at all) and even when I need to undo clothes and feel uncomfortable. Hubby will eat his and always, always leaves stuff on his plate. What a waste I cry. I am sure you are not surprised to hear my hubby has never been overweight and does not always understand the struggle which can go on in my head.
OK, that's enough rambling on now. I hope I haven't baffled too many of you with such drift. It is all starting to make sense to me.
On that note am off to make some crisps and try tobasco sauce hubby has bought for me.
TIPS OF TODAY
- I really enjoyed the chopped up bar that I chomped with my black coffee at each break
- I returned to my car at lunchtime and made my soup. As much as not knowing what facilities were at the venue, I did not want to be looked at either like a victim or be questioned at this stage in the game.
Monday, 19 March 2007
Day 11 - Just A Bit More
I have just read from the beginning AJ'S diary on her maintenance plan on the forum.
I had to post at the end and told her how inspired I feel. It was so good to see as it happens the food choices available and that the diet eventually is not going to be restrictive. I so want to be able to have a healthy balanced diet which myself and my family can enjoy together. I also want to be able to eat out and have the odd takeaway. (which I am glad to see she sometimes does on a weekly basis).
I fully accept, although I know this may be hard at times that I can no longer eat the combinations and quantaties of food I sometimes used to eat (Crap one week, brill balance diet the next!). That's me an all or nothing kind of person.
AJ talked about forever having certain demons to live with and I feel this is so true, I just hope over time they will be less powerful and I can manage them. I never want to be fat again even if it means less 'freedom' food wise.
Day 11 - Back To Exercise
Had a day off today and feel quite proud of myself. I dropped the girls off at nursery as if a normal work day (well I have paid for it!) and was eager to sort out my youngest bedroom. As the second child she has all the cast off from her sister & friends as well as a collection of too small clothes mixed in with current wear. Anyway I've spent all morning doing it and have sorted it into charity, rags, too small (save in event have another girl, highly likely as this family generally only makes girls) and too big to put in waiting to get bigger pile. Have another day off Wednesday, so may well do oldest clothes then. However I dread to think about all the clothes that will be making their way back to youngest until she is bigger!!!! Nobody will notice I did it unless point it out, oh well I didn't sigh up for motherhood for the praise.
Watched TV for an hour and really enjoyed Thai Flavour crisp with a sprinkle of salt and plenty of pepper. I am really loving them, but somehow feel like I am cheating.
Booked myself in for a Step class this afternoon which I really enjoyed, however I am aching. I could feel that I have missed a few weeks of exercise because I generally felt stiff, but .... being almost a stone lighter must be helping me because I could breath much easier. I even caught a glimpse of me in the aerobics mirror and thought I looked slimmer than usual. Not sure if it was a optical illusion or if I was hallucinating!!! LOL
I am at a all day event tomorrow and had a panic this afternoon about what I can do for lunch? I am not about to share my diet with a room full of strangers so I think I will just have to return to my car and mix up a soup there. I will try to remain strong at the x2 coffee breaks as there are always biscuits which I generally love.
SOLD .... I will take a bar, split it into two and nibble that with a coffee.
You know what, I am really going to get to My Goal this time, I can feel it.
Watched TV for an hour and really enjoyed Thai Flavour crisp with a sprinkle of salt and plenty of pepper. I am really loving them, but somehow feel like I am cheating.
Booked myself in for a Step class this afternoon which I really enjoyed, however I am aching. I could feel that I have missed a few weeks of exercise because I generally felt stiff, but .... being almost a stone lighter must be helping me because I could breath much easier. I even caught a glimpse of me in the aerobics mirror and thought I looked slimmer than usual. Not sure if it was a optical illusion or if I was hallucinating!!! LOL
I am at a all day event tomorrow and had a panic this afternoon about what I can do for lunch? I am not about to share my diet with a room full of strangers so I think I will just have to return to my car and mix up a soup there. I will try to remain strong at the x2 coffee breaks as there are always biscuits which I generally love.
SOLD .... I will take a bar, split it into two and nibble that with a coffee.
You know what, I am really going to get to My Goal this time, I can feel it.
Sunday, 18 March 2007
Day 10 - Mushroom Soup on Mother's Day?
A successful night had by all!
In the end I said I will see how it goes, but whatever happens I will reach the weight I want to irrespective of others opinions. Seemed pointless arguing the toss at this stage when it's so far away and I may well agree with them that 7.2 -9.3Ibs is too low for me.
We have also planned as an incentive for me and another who is on Atkins, that we will have a shopping spree in another town when we are a Stone down the line.
Well I can honestly say this is the first Mother's Day where I had a black coffee and a vanilla pack made into a mouse by hubby for breakfast in bed. Very impressed with the mouse, will have to try that again. It tasted like butterscotch Angel Delight, well near enough. Also had usual collection of home made cards and this year a non-food gift. Then popped to mother-in-laws with gift and cards and stayed for a few hours and had another black coffee. That was easy, but all that kept swimming around in my head was that we could take M-I-L out for Sunday lunch. So to be honest feel a bit deprived today or maybe its just the novelty wearing off.
Being honest I think boredom has a part to play. I have noticed that I seem to have much more time at home now my time is neither spent planning meals for everybody, ordering it on the net or going to the shops and finally eating it. Lots of my time must of been filled with having a bit of something to plug gaps while I was reading a magazine, watching TV, having a coffee, while I was cooking ..... and it goes on.
I think this boredom signifies it's time for me to get back to my aerobics classes which I stopped a week or so before doing LL.
Saturday, 17 March 2007
Day 9 - A Night Out!!!!
I managed to find a new class and attended today. They were on Week 3, however x4 were starting new this week, another came from my own LLC, so only a handful who were actually on Week 3.
The LLC seemed nice/down to earth and I seemed to get on with a women who wanted to start but her GP refused to sign the medical. Therefore she has got to see someone privately.
We watched that weeks DVD and later had a discussion about EGO States. Something about how our Parent voice tells us things like ...'Eat up your meal as others are starving'. We then went onto talk about how we can respond in a adult way to prevent us being influenced by others. It was all a bit rushed and I'm not sure if I would of known what she was talking about had I not looked through the chapter first. I think she had a hard job with new people at different stages etc, so hope will be a bit more structured next week.
On a much more positive note the LLC took my before photos, measurements and calculated my BMI. I am also very happy to report another 2Ibs off since Thursday weigh in. It's Working!!!
As I haven't seen Week 2, I borrowed a copy which I plan to watch over the next week.
I have a real challenge ahead of me this evening. I am going out with a set of mates and it has to be said we like to drink when we meet up. This night was arranged prior to the start of my diet and I fully expected nearer the time to cancel it, however they had already started talking about what we could do to accommodate my diet. Maybe I have underestimated them and I am willing to go it a go. We are meeting in one of our regular pubs at 8pm, and in preparation I have bought some St Clements today which I hope to try in fizzy water during the evening as a change. Not sure how much black coffee will be able to get hold of. I will have a shake before I go out and take my Bar with me as an emergency or on the way home. We usually have a meal before we go home after a night of drinking, so if that seems to be the plan depending on how I feel I will either join them for a coffee and bar or say farewell at that point.
Cross your fingers for me.
The LLC seemed nice/down to earth and I seemed to get on with a women who wanted to start but her GP refused to sign the medical. Therefore she has got to see someone privately.
We watched that weeks DVD and later had a discussion about EGO States. Something about how our Parent voice tells us things like ...'Eat up your meal as others are starving'. We then went onto talk about how we can respond in a adult way to prevent us being influenced by others. It was all a bit rushed and I'm not sure if I would of known what she was talking about had I not looked through the chapter first. I think she had a hard job with new people at different stages etc, so hope will be a bit more structured next week.
On a much more positive note the LLC took my before photos, measurements and calculated my BMI. I am also very happy to report another 2Ibs off since Thursday weigh in. It's Working!!!
As I haven't seen Week 2, I borrowed a copy which I plan to watch over the next week.
I have a real challenge ahead of me this evening. I am going out with a set of mates and it has to be said we like to drink when we meet up. This night was arranged prior to the start of my diet and I fully expected nearer the time to cancel it, however they had already started talking about what we could do to accommodate my diet. Maybe I have underestimated them and I am willing to go it a go. We are meeting in one of our regular pubs at 8pm, and in preparation I have bought some St Clements today which I hope to try in fizzy water during the evening as a change. Not sure how much black coffee will be able to get hold of. I will have a shake before I go out and take my Bar with me as an emergency or on the way home. We usually have a meal before we go home after a night of drinking, so if that seems to be the plan depending on how I feel I will either join them for a coffee and bar or say farewell at that point.
Cross your fingers for me.
Thursday, 15 March 2007
Week One - Weigh In Day
Attended my Week One session tonight, and I am pleased to say I have lost 9Ibs.
I am really pleased with this amount and think I must certainly be in line for a stone off in a month. Hubby even seems to be getting the idea and said it would of taken me weeks to get that off in WW.
On a bit of a downer as unfortunately my counsellor is putting her groups on hold as a result of a family issue. Therefore I have been given the numbers of two other locations, but to be honest these are far from ideal. I just knew something was not quite right compared to others experiences, but just wanted to get started. Will make contact with new counsellor tomorrow and hope I can fit one of the sessions into my already busy diary. I was given the option of having my money back = eating food again, or taking another week which I went for. I've come this far! Am sad I had no counselling, but at least this has all happened at the beginning.
Symptoms -
today and yesterday after I was trying to get down as much water as possible and had a soup shortly before, was almost sick! Shocked me a bit and wondered if anything to do with lactose! Have decided once and for all to get a test to see where I am nowadays with the lactose situation so can hopefully stop worrying about it.
Wednesday, 14 March 2007
Day 6 - I'm Still Here
Another day has passed and I find myself once again sat at my computer logging my day. It has become therapeutic and I hope for anybody reading as a current diary, or down the line who may be doing the plan offers some truth & comfort.
Have been to my first Salsa Class tonight with a friend. Really enjoyed it although I was unfortunately not a natural. Burned more calories than I thought it would and I will of course have a waist to die for at the end of it!
Last two days have presented a few struggles to be honest but still manged to stick to the packs without deviation. I went back to work on Tuesday after a prolonged time off, which is never easy at the best of times. However in hindsight I probably felt a bit stressed to be out of my home cocoon and what I had got used to. I noticed I had thoughts of nipping to the choc machine and getting myself something to get through the day and tonight as my salsa class was above a restaurant, I could smell FOOD !!!!!!! I should of had a pack before I went and maybe I would of been less panicked internally. I described the feeling to Hubby that outward I looked calm, but inside I was screaming - F..K, THIS IS HARD.
Anyway I dealt with it, went back to my friends pad for a black coffee, nice chat and came home for a chicken soup. I still have a bar to have, and to be honest its so late I'm not that bothered. I am unsure if I will self destruct if I don't have it.
Hubby came home with flowers yesterday and normal conversation resumed within the household, however under no illusions this will be until the next time. I feel (mostly) really in control of my life and sick to death of either being responsible or feeling responsible for people. Not that I want to change from being supportive. It's just as I have said before (and will many times to come) its drained me of any energy to do enough for me. Hence the Salsa, Gym, Reiki .... that said I have never been a recluse, although wanted to be so many times.
Looking forward to the weigh in Thursday night. Of course I know I've lost because I can honestly say I have stuck to the plan. I know I will also be disappointed if still lost the 6Ibs, ungrateful as that sounds, those that know understand where I am coming from on this front.
While chatting with my friend tonight ... I had a light bulb moment as I was explaining to her why Iwas doing LL (she is doing Slimming World, and already knew of LL as work colleagues have done it and lost loads - although not kept it off). Anyway I was talking about the 20 plus years of diets and where my head was at, when I gave her an example of being a young child and how this process probably all began. My mum had made us both a jacket potato with salad, and while she went out the room I put so much butter on the potato. I never did this while she was in the room as I must of worked out it was a bit greedy and wrong! Nobody had told me it was, as my mum was lovely and just wasn't like that. Anyway we then talked about foods we find hard to control, she said sweets and crisps as her mother rationed them to her and siblings as children (to try and give them a healthy diet). However the upshot was when she had the means to buy the stuff, she went bonkers on it. I talked about butter being one of my trigger food, and how if it's in the house it calls me to put it on toast in thick spread until its gone!
OK, you are way ahead of me I imagine. I realise my many Jacket Potato experiences as a child may well of brought me to my pack of butter episodes as an adult..... Ting, the light is on.
Have been to my first Salsa Class tonight with a friend. Really enjoyed it although I was unfortunately not a natural. Burned more calories than I thought it would and I will of course have a waist to die for at the end of it!
Last two days have presented a few struggles to be honest but still manged to stick to the packs without deviation. I went back to work on Tuesday after a prolonged time off, which is never easy at the best of times. However in hindsight I probably felt a bit stressed to be out of my home cocoon and what I had got used to. I noticed I had thoughts of nipping to the choc machine and getting myself something to get through the day and tonight as my salsa class was above a restaurant, I could smell FOOD !!!!!!! I should of had a pack before I went and maybe I would of been less panicked internally. I described the feeling to Hubby that outward I looked calm, but inside I was screaming - F..K, THIS IS HARD.
Anyway I dealt with it, went back to my friends pad for a black coffee, nice chat and came home for a chicken soup. I still have a bar to have, and to be honest its so late I'm not that bothered. I am unsure if I will self destruct if I don't have it.
Hubby came home with flowers yesterday and normal conversation resumed within the household, however under no illusions this will be until the next time. I feel (mostly) really in control of my life and sick to death of either being responsible or feeling responsible for people. Not that I want to change from being supportive. It's just as I have said before (and will many times to come) its drained me of any energy to do enough for me. Hence the Salsa, Gym, Reiki .... that said I have never been a recluse, although wanted to be so many times.
Looking forward to the weigh in Thursday night. Of course I know I've lost because I can honestly say I have stuck to the plan. I know I will also be disappointed if still lost the 6Ibs, ungrateful as that sounds, those that know understand where I am coming from on this front.
While chatting with my friend tonight ... I had a light bulb moment as I was explaining to her why Iwas doing LL (she is doing Slimming World, and already knew of LL as work colleagues have done it and lost loads - although not kept it off). Anyway I was talking about the 20 plus years of diets and where my head was at, when I gave her an example of being a young child and how this process probably all began. My mum had made us both a jacket potato with salad, and while she went out the room I put so much butter on the potato. I never did this while she was in the room as I must of worked out it was a bit greedy and wrong! Nobody had told me it was, as my mum was lovely and just wasn't like that. Anyway we then talked about foods we find hard to control, she said sweets and crisps as her mother rationed them to her and siblings as children (to try and give them a healthy diet). However the upshot was when she had the means to buy the stuff, she went bonkers on it. I talked about butter being one of my trigger food, and how if it's in the house it calls me to put it on toast in thick spread until its gone!
OK, you are way ahead of me I imagine. I realise my many Jacket Potato experiences as a child may well of brought me to my pack of butter episodes as an adult..... Ting, the light is on.
Tuesday, 13 March 2007
Day 5 - Early Morning Rant
I very early pen to paper ....
Feeling a bit disappointed with Hubby! I've thought about whether I want to write about us on this BLOG before and sort of feel it's a bit disloyal. This is because anybody reading does not have the benefit of our history and how in loads of ways he has been and is a great H. Howver as part of logging my ups and downs and being honest ....
As said above I feel disappointed and let down at the moment by him. One example was last night. In between work, household management and kids I thought I saw a gap in the clouds to exchange a few words with him. I started off by saying I went to Reiki today and the therapist came up with a few interesting points. I then (briefly) told him about one thing which could relate a bit to him. To be honest it was all he could do to give me eye contact and feign interest. At which point he was walking off back into the kitchen mid conversation. How Bloody Rude! I then said something like 'thanks for being interested in my life' and turned back to the computer. He then said he just wanted to get his dinner (which admittedly he was cooking, but in my defence he had made his way into the lounge so must of felt his cooking could be left unsupervised for a few moments)!!!!!
I then just kept myself busy as I normally would and refused to include him any further. He tried to apologise, but by then (and I told him so) I was no longer interested in slightly more words than this.
Later he came to me for some paper and a pen (resources we have all over the house). I did not look at him or ask him what he was doing. I noticed after he had gone to bed that he was writing a shopping list and I assume planned some meals within this!!! Great stuff.
I think things are going to change around here
Have woke with a not quite sore throat, but sort of a blocked nose. Finding it had to swallow.
Feeling a bit disappointed with Hubby! I've thought about whether I want to write about us on this BLOG before and sort of feel it's a bit disloyal. This is because anybody reading does not have the benefit of our history and how in loads of ways he has been and is a great H. Howver as part of logging my ups and downs and being honest ....
As said above I feel disappointed and let down at the moment by him. One example was last night. In between work, household management and kids I thought I saw a gap in the clouds to exchange a few words with him. I started off by saying I went to Reiki today and the therapist came up with a few interesting points. I then (briefly) told him about one thing which could relate a bit to him. To be honest it was all he could do to give me eye contact and feign interest. At which point he was walking off back into the kitchen mid conversation. How Bloody Rude! I then said something like 'thanks for being interested in my life' and turned back to the computer. He then said he just wanted to get his dinner (which admittedly he was cooking, but in my defence he had made his way into the lounge so must of felt his cooking could be left unsupervised for a few moments)!!!!!
I then just kept myself busy as I normally would and refused to include him any further. He tried to apologise, but by then (and I told him so) I was no longer interested in slightly more words than this.
Later he came to me for some paper and a pen (resources we have all over the house). I did not look at him or ask him what he was doing. I noticed after he had gone to bed that he was writing a shopping list and I assume planned some meals within this!!! Great stuff.
I think things are going to change around here
Have woke with a not quite sore throat, but sort of a blocked nose. Finding it had to swallow.
Monday, 12 March 2007
Day 4 - A Day Of Two Halves?
What an earth is wrong with me?
Went to my midweek weigh in today and lost 6Ibs in 4 days. This sort of weight loss I know is great, almost half a stone. So why do I feel like crap and can feel myself wanting to eat and get out of control. I suppose being on LL is where it is different to anything else I have tried. If I was eating food at this point, I am sure I would of put the toaster on, eaten a couple of the kids cheese strings and got the wine out. I also assume this is the emotional eating/hunger I hope to get to the bottom of as I do not actually feel hungry!!!!!
I realise my perfectionist traits are not helping as I generally feel that I have not achieved enough. A friend of mine has started a less serious version of Atkins and lost half a stone in two weeks. I also met a women at her Week 1 weigh in and she was disappointed she ONLY lost 6Ibs over the week.
I know whatever way you look at it, we have all done well because its come off and not been put on. Maybe down the line I will actually feel this as well as being able to acknowledge it.
Have been for my first Reiki session this afternoon. I'm not sure what to make of it. For anybody that's been and knows all about it, I felt real warmth in some areas and cold in others. I know I felt rested when it finished and afterwards the therapist talked about my problem areas. Nothing radical and actually seemed to make sense, although I was unsure if I was trying to make sense of it (if you know what I mean?). Not sure I went to the session for any other reason than to take time out for me. On that basis am going to book another type of treatment on my next day off using a voucher I got for my birthday almost a year ago and actually spend it on me.
In terms of physical symptoms I felt well and quite energetic this morning. Woke up quite promptly without the sluggish, can't be bothered to get out of bed feeling. It was all good to be honest until the weigh in!!!! I think in future I am not going to bother with any pop in and just concentrate on the weekly weigh and counselling.
PS. I also weed on the stick to reveal a pink result (no pregnancy) but I am in ketosis.
Will go and speak to my online pals now and share my weight loss.
Thanks to all who have posted by the way, it makes this long road a little easier to travel. Sam xx
Went to my midweek weigh in today and lost 6Ibs in 4 days. This sort of weight loss I know is great, almost half a stone. So why do I feel like crap and can feel myself wanting to eat and get out of control. I suppose being on LL is where it is different to anything else I have tried. If I was eating food at this point, I am sure I would of put the toaster on, eaten a couple of the kids cheese strings and got the wine out. I also assume this is the emotional eating/hunger I hope to get to the bottom of as I do not actually feel hungry!!!!!
I realise my perfectionist traits are not helping as I generally feel that I have not achieved enough. A friend of mine has started a less serious version of Atkins and lost half a stone in two weeks. I also met a women at her Week 1 weigh in and she was disappointed she ONLY lost 6Ibs over the week.
I know whatever way you look at it, we have all done well because its come off and not been put on. Maybe down the line I will actually feel this as well as being able to acknowledge it.
Have been for my first Reiki session this afternoon. I'm not sure what to make of it. For anybody that's been and knows all about it, I felt real warmth in some areas and cold in others. I know I felt rested when it finished and afterwards the therapist talked about my problem areas. Nothing radical and actually seemed to make sense, although I was unsure if I was trying to make sense of it (if you know what I mean?). Not sure I went to the session for any other reason than to take time out for me. On that basis am going to book another type of treatment on my next day off using a voucher I got for my birthday almost a year ago and actually spend it on me.
In terms of physical symptoms I felt well and quite energetic this morning. Woke up quite promptly without the sluggish, can't be bothered to get out of bed feeling. It was all good to be honest until the weigh in!!!! I think in future I am not going to bother with any pop in and just concentrate on the weekly weigh and counselling.
PS. I also weed on the stick to reveal a pink result (no pregnancy) but I am in ketosis.
Will go and speak to my online pals now and share my weight loss.
Thanks to all who have posted by the way, it makes this long road a little easier to travel. Sam xx
Sunday, 11 March 2007
Day 3 - I'm Actually Not Eating!!
I can't believe its Day 3 and am not either nasty, sneaking food or keeling over from lack of food!
Just had my last pack of the day while hubby eats a McDonald's. He tried to redeem himself by telling me it tasted crap, however apart from the smell which brings back eating memories I was not that fussed that he was eating.
Water has been much easier to get through today and I am really starting to enjoy the control I have at present. Hope it lasts as I know the fall from this positivity would be great!
Only had a very slight headache but mostly felt good. I even had some energy to do the end of week House Cleaning Panic because the place is a tip and we all need to give it a quick tidy before a new week begins.
As it's Day 4 tomorrow, I will see if I can pop in to LL to make sure I am on track and also check for hopefully a good weight loss so far. I have the day off Monday, so have booked myself for a REIKI session (never been before but been wanting to give a try for months). I thought I might be feeling low and wondering how I was going to stop myself eating the entire contents of the house while everybody was at work, school & nursery by now. However not wanting to tempt fate, not sure I am going to feel like that.
On the downside have been feeling cold and a little sleepy at times, but nothing of concern.
Feeling a bit flat now. Not sure why as ....
Who knows!
As I write the last line, I immediately wonder if its because I will have to create a new story for myself..... Rather than being the Fat Friend/Wife/Mother/Sister/etc who loves a takeaway, a laugh and who scrubs up alright despite her size....
I may actually for the first time since, god knows when be the person I ought to of been in all areas of my life.
A scary thought despite dreaming of it all my life. And what is sad was when I first started dreaming about being the right weight/size I was a child and then a young women who was not fat. Just a different shape to my friends. I could cry about all the time wasted and more than anything I am not going to let my girls get on this treadmill.
I hope the counselling is good and I have a number of light bulb moments. I must admit a quick flick through the Foundation book leads me to believe it is a well thought out program and not some sham not really getting to the root of the problem.
But hey, will have to see and keep you all posted.
Just had my last pack of the day while hubby eats a McDonald's. He tried to redeem himself by telling me it tasted crap, however apart from the smell which brings back eating memories I was not that fussed that he was eating.
Water has been much easier to get through today and I am really starting to enjoy the control I have at present. Hope it lasts as I know the fall from this positivity would be great!
Only had a very slight headache but mostly felt good. I even had some energy to do the end of week House Cleaning Panic because the place is a tip and we all need to give it a quick tidy before a new week begins.
As it's Day 4 tomorrow, I will see if I can pop in to LL to make sure I am on track and also check for hopefully a good weight loss so far. I have the day off Monday, so have booked myself for a REIKI session (never been before but been wanting to give a try for months). I thought I might be feeling low and wondering how I was going to stop myself eating the entire contents of the house while everybody was at work, school & nursery by now. However not wanting to tempt fate, not sure I am going to feel like that.
On the downside have been feeling cold and a little sleepy at times, but nothing of concern.
Feeling a bit flat now. Not sure why as ....
- I am following the plan with relative ease
- I can see light at the end of the Diet Treadmill Tunnel for the first time in many years
- Have found some great people on a weight loss forum in the same boat. The support has been fantastic
- Likewise have been able to read and post on other peoples BLOGS which has also proved helpful
So why do I feel a bit flat?
Who knows!
As I write the last line, I immediately wonder if its because I will have to create a new story for myself..... Rather than being the Fat Friend/Wife/Mother/Sister/etc who loves a takeaway, a laugh and who scrubs up alright despite her size....
I may actually for the first time since, god knows when be the person I ought to of been in all areas of my life.
A scary thought despite dreaming of it all my life. And what is sad was when I first started dreaming about being the right weight/size I was a child and then a young women who was not fat. Just a different shape to my friends. I could cry about all the time wasted and more than anything I am not going to let my girls get on this treadmill.
I hope the counselling is good and I have a number of light bulb moments. I must admit a quick flick through the Foundation book leads me to believe it is a well thought out program and not some sham not really getting to the root of the problem.
But hey, will have to see and keep you all posted.
Saturday, 10 March 2007
Day 2 - Boredom!
Here I am again, this time at the slightly earlier time and not feeling as rough as I anticipated.
Had what felt like a hangover headache when woke this morning and at some point that went as I feel fine now.
Had the luxury of husband and children going out for most of the day to see family. Rather than trying to cope with various dilemmas at this early stage, I decided to stay home, chill out and wait for the headache to subside.
I had a sleep, read some of the Foundation book (I love the true stories of others who have lost weight and more importantly kept it off), and watched x3 episodes of The Closer stored on NTL, well Virgin as it is now. I missed them as soon as they went out the door and immediately thought about making a coffee and grabbing a snack to go with it!!!!
Had first pack about 10.30am, and happily lasted until 3.30pm for the second. Saturday night is normally take away night and if I let myself I can imagine all the options available, and how I would perhaps just have a bit now I know abstinence. YEAH RIGHT! What has been powerful is that I realised I was either wanting something out of habit/boredom or like yesterday would of popped some of the dinner I was making into my mouth ......
Because It Was There.
Well nearly at the end of Day 2 and have x2 packs to get me through. I may look at some of the recipies you can make ... I'm sure somebody said you can make a cookie or muffin. Have also nearly got through the minimum 4 litres of water = many trips to the loo.
Had what felt like a hangover headache when woke this morning and at some point that went as I feel fine now.
Had the luxury of husband and children going out for most of the day to see family. Rather than trying to cope with various dilemmas at this early stage, I decided to stay home, chill out and wait for the headache to subside.
I had a sleep, read some of the Foundation book (I love the true stories of others who have lost weight and more importantly kept it off), and watched x3 episodes of The Closer stored on NTL, well Virgin as it is now. I missed them as soon as they went out the door and immediately thought about making a coffee and grabbing a snack to go with it!!!!
Had first pack about 10.30am, and happily lasted until 3.30pm for the second. Saturday night is normally take away night and if I let myself I can imagine all the options available, and how I would perhaps just have a bit now I know abstinence. YEAH RIGHT! What has been powerful is that I realised I was either wanting something out of habit/boredom or like yesterday would of popped some of the dinner I was making into my mouth ......
Because It Was There.
Well nearly at the end of Day 2 and have x2 packs to get me through. I may look at some of the recipies you can make ... I'm sure somebody said you can make a cookie or muffin. Have also nearly got through the minimum 4 litres of water = many trips to the loo.
Friday, 9 March 2007
Day 1
Well it's the end of day one, and I can soon go to bed safe in the knowledge I haven't cheated!
On the downside I have a dull headache, feel tired and probably should of gone to bed hours ago. I just wanted to get this BLOG up and running before the moment passed and all the days merge into one.
Husband made himself a crayfish and avocado salad which looked & smelled nice. However to say I have eaten nothing to speak of, I was surprised I had no need to wrestle him to the ground for his meal. It must be working already!!!!
Had a few scary moments today when I made my children's tea. Usually I would pick at the scraps or perhaps try a bit as I served things out. It smelled lovely and I had to remember not to eat on autopilot. I know it's only day one, but my positive feelings gave way with thoughts of previous failed diets/health regimes. It's a slippery slope I have too often known of convincing myself 'a little bit won't hurt'. Even if I manage to hold it together that day, it plants the seed of doubt which I find really hard to get back into a positive mindset. Maybe it is easier to leave food for a while so no room for MODERATION.
On the downside I have a dull headache, feel tired and probably should of gone to bed hours ago. I just wanted to get this BLOG up and running before the moment passed and all the days merge into one.
Husband made himself a crayfish and avocado salad which looked & smelled nice. However to say I have eaten nothing to speak of, I was surprised I had no need to wrestle him to the ground for his meal. It must be working already!!!!
Had a few scary moments today when I made my children's tea. Usually I would pick at the scraps or perhaps try a bit as I served things out. It smelled lovely and I had to remember not to eat on autopilot. I know it's only day one, but my positive feelings gave way with thoughts of previous failed diets/health regimes. It's a slippery slope I have too often known of convincing myself 'a little bit won't hurt'. Even if I manage to hold it together that day, it plants the seed of doubt which I find really hard to get back into a positive mindset. Maybe it is easier to leave food for a while so no room for MODERATION.
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