Day 115 - Back On Track!

Well I did retire to my sleeping chamber with a veg pack & choc pudding and st Clement's custard. I drank more water and thumbed through my weight loss book to remind myself how much weight I had lost since 8th March!

62.3lbs

I am pleased I did not have even the healthy option, but must say although I was having an adult conversation with myself and David in a calm manner, it sort of felt like a scene playing from Jekyll and Hyde in my head and I was not sure at the begining who was going to win.

Reading the Management books made a lot of sense and the food choices were spot on for the types of things I would love to eat. At this stage my first protein on Management will be Salmon and it will be nice to be able to venture into a supermarket again and look at food knowing I can eat some of it.

I have even worked out that by week 5 alcohol will be introduced just in time for my holiday. The only thing well down the line I am potentially bothered about is cheese. I am not sat dreaming about it, but know there will be all types on the half board buffet in Spain. Will perhaps cross that bridge when come to it.

Today I have a pile of washing to do, then sort and put away and get everybody's school/nursery/work bags ready. Will try and get it done this morning so the girls and I can do something together. David will be working most of the day at the house.

OK, let me begin the challenge that is the clothing mountain.

Day 114 - The Struggle Which Is A Saturday Night!

I have just had a mini debate with myself and husband about whether I was going to eat something from the local Take away!!!!!

Hubby is going to have an Indian Meal, and we discussed the pros and cons of me having maybe a chicken Tikka starter or something similar. I know would still be in Ketosis, have two packs left for the day so would limit the damage, but ......... I am only going to do one more week of full packs, so should be on a high from my weight loss and the journey moving to the next stage by next Sunday.

I have decided to post on here (I posted on the MINIs Forum and copied from that!), then go to bed and look through my management books I collected today. On a positive note, I wanted to pick one of the healthy options, husband is really supportive and has let me make up my own mind.

I know it's the crooked thoughts telling me other have eaten for all sorts of occasions and are still in the game, so why shouldn't I have a bit of something? Anyway, off now before get him to add a starter to his order.

I feel sad that maybe I just haven't "GOT IT" and will eventually slip back into crap habits

Day 114 - Weigh Day, Week 16!

I lost 5lbs this week, and I know say this most weeks but I am really, really shocked! To get to my 61kg/9st 6lb target I have less than 4lbs to go. Regardless of what I lose next Saturday, I will be starting Management next Sunday as any remaining I am sure will come off.

I have looked forward to touching a Management book for ages and have finally got them in my grasp. I plan to sit down with a pack tonight and read the books from cover to cover. I have got them the week before so I can understand what I need to do, buy anything I need to and I suppose make an occasion of it.

One item of equipment I may invest in is a George Foreman Grill. Any advice good or bad out there?

I love barbecue meat and veg and could probably eat it most days, so I hope this would satisfy my need for flavour and health in one!

OK .... off to look at a few show homes now with the family to try and get an idea of dimensions.

Sam xx

Day ? More Trousers!

Just a quick post as done in.

Work today and had a few issues tugging at my conscience and normal triggers which would of sent me off eating pre LL.

I had different members of staff who I manage feeling and some telling me in a roundabout way they were disgruntled with my new work pattern. I thought I had made it really clear to them I would actually be more available to them as now doing 4 days one week and 5 the other instead of 3 every week. I also told them even if I was with my other team that I am covering Mon/Tue, I was fully contactable either by email, phone or getting off said backside and talking to me face to face in the other part of THE SAME BUILDING!!!!!!!!!!

To be honest, I know who the instigator of the trouble is, and they have done it with previous managers so I should not be surprised. I have the measure of them and have been challenging things when necessary as not having them or anybody making a noise about something that is unnecessary.

Normally I would dwell on it, agonise about letting people down even if I could see we all have some part to play in personal responsibility. I would always shift blame to me. This would then make me feel like an inadequate manager and the insecurity sets in. Comfort food would then follow until I felt better which could be days down the line if the issue was ongoing.

Now I am not saying I no longer give a rats ass, because feeling like I am good at what I do and do support people is very important to me. However this time I have it in perspective. In actual fact there is only one person I manage who has a legit point (mainly due to me previously being PT and not being available to support in some challenging bits of work at the end of the week). That said in balance, I know that worker does need to take responsibility for it too as they never told me they felt like that despite me asking them and happily gets on with stuff. Therefore I think they are managing it as they tell me so.

The others have had over and above most managers offer, so they can live with it!

I do have some strategies which wanted to put in place anyway, so just motivated me to get on with that bit sooner. My trouble causer will still moan and try and take everybody with her, but I know this is something I have to live with but will keep a tight reign so she has less to use to cause the said trouble.

On that note, am off to bed to try and get shut eye by 10pm. The early nights have slipped again and my bags and brain are starting to feel it.

Kick Fit after work tomorrow

Sam xx

PS ..... I need to find some more trousers as only have weekend pair of jeans (now rather loose on waist) and a pair of work ones in reserve when a few more pounds down. I seem to of overdone it with skirts but no work trousers! Primark can't help as all too long, so looks like I will have to fork out in a shop who caters for the short, hope they have a sale on.

Day ? Happy Birthday Me!

Sorry folks for being away. I have Been fine, just writing in my journal at bedtime as too tired to start logging on here knowing I would then read everybody else BLOG too.

It's my Birthday today and had a really lovely day. David and the girls made me a vanilla coffee (firstly without the coffee!) and brought me my cards and pressies in bed. They bought me some lovely lightweight stripy pink PJ's which I will not be embarrassed to answer the door in, a crispy new Kitchen, Bedroom and Bathrooms magazine and Gok's book (How To Look Good Naked). When I got downstairs was also a huge exotic bouquet of flowers too. Inspired gifts just what I wanted. To be honest has some really lovely well thought out pressies from family and friends.

Later in the morning Olivia and I went to town under the guise of returning a few things and came back with six bags worth!!!!!!!! At some point I hope I will stop shopping, although it's better than eating. I like my bargains as you know and found most items in the sale, including a new work bag as my dated briefcase snapped after almost two years wear. I did not realise how dated I was using it as it seems most people just have large bags. It's large enough to get papers in but I have also decided I no longer need to carry the heavy crap I used to so will scale down.

Spent a fortune on matching underwear in my smaller size from good old M & S, and a few more holiday staples.

Later in the afternoon two friends, their partners and children came round and I prepared a great buffet spread. I prepared lots of it last night to save time and did a selection of adult treats and child friendly party food. I eventually had a vegetable pack more so I could have a sit down with them, rather than being hungry. Last night and today did not feel tempted to eat although I thought on my Birthday would give myself a meal off. I am happily back in my NOT AN OPTION mindset and just want to get the job done now.

Lessons Learned Today -

1. Although I over catered, I did think about not trying to produce too much waste.
2. I made sure David (next two days lunch!) & guests went home with pack up for school/work the next day to minimise waste.
3. Realising still food left and knowing nobody else will eat certain things, have made up a large parcel for David to take to work for work colleagues to tomorrow. I still hate waste after all! LOL
4. Realised that pre-LL I would of picked and ate my way through making the buffet, laying out today and through the evening until I felt uncomfortable. My mentality WAS, I just can't leave it! Anything still left would be stored in the fridge for the next few days as I would refuse to throw anything away. Looking at it with the benefit of hindsight, I allowed myself to be a dustbin.
5. Happily No Alcohol.
6.While packing the food away, I have found myself saying to the girls one minute do you want anymore of something when in reality they would get it themselves as been doing all afternoon. Then on the opposite side of the coin said to Olivia when it was clear she had had enough, I can save some for you for another day or depending on what the food item is Mummy could make that for you another day, you don't have to eat it now. I think the second options are much better and the last thing I want is to put my food issues on them.
7. Following on from that I think I finally I understand that in this day and age as a family we are lucky enough to not have the food run out!!!!! If I am full but loved the flavour of something I could 1.STOP, 2. Make it another day or Visit the restaurant another time. 3. I do not need to eat whatever it is until I can't breath in fear I would never taste such a thing again.

Now I am unsure what I will do when I can eat again and not on management as that's where the hard work starts, but I am determined to be aware of my eating. I will cross that bridge then and try and remember days like this when I have been so happy and in control.

A very positive day it has to be said and unlike the smoked salmon trigger, I will not be putting my face in the fridge!!!!!

I am off upstairs to look at my purchases and clear some space off the bed so David can eventually get in it too. Also need to log that David has been and continues to be such a star and I hope I can prove to him how much I really appreciate him and love him for all of his support.

Day ? Weigh Day, Week 15!

I lost 3lbs today. To be honest was hopeing for more as really really upped the water and of course no cheats!!!!

That said I updated my ticker and realise only have 8.81 lbs to get to my 61kg personal goal so need to get the loss in perspective.

I had decided not to take the management material gain this week, but asked my LLC to wave it in front of my face as motivation. I think I will take the info next week so can prepare and get food in. looking at the forum it looks like trying to work out what yogurts and various things to have due to sugars et al seems complicated, so the more time the better.

I am definite now that whether get to 61kg or not, will start Management after the next two weeks weigh ins. I see no reason why I will not continue to loose, and I should be close by then anyway.

OK, off to prepare my Birthday Buffet now!

Day 100 - I Made It!

I was just shy of my 4 stone target (we all know why!!!) and realise I only have a 11.5 Lbs to my goal! I Can do that and hang on in there before embarking on the World Of Management. It seems so mysterious and exciting.

Today in my group there was only three of us. Few on holiday and sadly one decided she is unable to continue due to medical issues. I am gutted for her, but hope to see her soon and that she gets some answers.



We looked at Crossing the River today out of the Development part of the program. For anybody who has yet to get to this bit, we were asked to draw two island with a river running through it. On one island we plotted where we are now in our lives, the other where we want to be. In the river we placed any possible obstacles to achieving our goals (not just weight loss wise) and finally built a bridge over the river of the tools we would use to get to the other side.



I found it really helpful and confirmed that at the moment I have more positive things going on in my life than negative but at the same time could note any areas for improvements. We all shared with each other this exercise and am pleased to report we are all in happy places. I split mine into my home, husband/children, work, friends, weight/health, exercise/health, projects etc. I won't bore you with all the details but felt really content and happy about my dream home we moved into last July, however I hasten to add it is nowhere near being in dream home state, but has the potential to be so. In terms of hubby, children & friends I felt my relationship with them all was so much better but had a little way to go to be exactly how I would want them. This is most apparent when it come to friends who still expect you to be the person they met originally. Despite moving on at different periods in your life, they still keep some of the same views of you and refuse to move on too about specific issues.



When it came to weight/health/exercise I felt really happy and could acknowledge not only the weight loss, but the good blood pressure I now have and I am back to loving exercise. I have settled on wanting to be 9 st 7lbs. This is when I wish to start Management and hopefully go on to have a buffer of between 9st and 9st 7 lbs.



Due to my silly and recent blip I will take Development one week at a time, and decided in the end not to take the Management Book. Depending on where I am with my weight loss, I will take the books nearer to goal so I can be organised and plan my meals. I would love to have at least 3/4 weeks of Management in the bank before I go on holiday. I have a little over 7 weeks for that so should be OK.



Normal Blogging will commence now confessed all and focus back on end prize.



Just need some time to catch up on everybody else and see how you have all got on.



Sam xx

Day 97, 98 & 99 - A Struggle, but Made It!

The last 3 days have been tough but got easier each day. I have read that people have struggled getting back on track after a binge, but only really understood it once been there myself. Anybody thinking about it or even considering continuing with a binge I do not recommend it.

I think I have just summed up what happened during a conversation with David when I told him I was not going to attend a couple of things coming up. To be honest I was never keen on attending them in the first place so can't attribute that to my current feelings.





I told David that somewhere along the line I took my eye off the ball, became increasingly relaxed around food and became complacent because I am near my goal.





The binge has left me with an unpleasant glimpse at some of my old feelings and habits. The first is of course feeling out of control. I felt 'FAT' for the first time in ages, full of self doubt and did not feel happy and confident about my body image. I felt like I did not want to join in/attend things rather than giving myself that extra push to get out of the door. I realise too I probably was feeling some anxiety about starting my new role at work this week which went towards the negativity and destructive behaviour that has happened over the previous days. Physically I have felt and looked bloated and uncomfortable; have awful and uncontrollable wind; breath is horrid; felt hungry and the list goes on. The bloat, although better has gone on for days which I am surprised about.





I have weighed myself each morning (nothing new for some weeks!) to see if can work out what damage I have caused. To be honest I think at worse I will stay the same. Unless the weight boomerangs back on for Saturday, I should of still lost a tad. I have to accept unlikely to get my 4 stone loss at the end of foundation, but feel comfortable taking responsibility for that.





At this weeks class will take the Management books to read and no doubt make preparations to plan the first few meals. However I intend to take full packs for the next week and feel my eye is back on the prize. I do not want to feel like I have failed/done half a job like I did at WW all those years ago. I believe it's likely I will loose a bit more in the first few weeks on Management, but know I can't rely on a full stone.





A few things my LLC said to me when I confessed to her have stuck in my head, and I feel make a lot of sense. She said in reality that it may not take as long as I think to get to my goal as I believe it will in my head. Secondly she said that Management is hard enough without trying to loose more weight, and I really need to be going into it from the point of abstinence (not binging!!). She knows how I feel about failing and said she doesn't want me to feel like I have by not getting to my goal. I must say she is a great LLC and I am so glad it never worked out with the Nottingham one. Just shows you things happen for a reason, even if at the time you are not so sure.

Day 95 - What The Funk????

OK, What The Funk Is Wrong With Me?

x3 slices of bread, butter, cheese and a mini cheese string??????

Is this :-

1. just crooked thought winning the argument for a change?


2. because I missed my group on Saturday?


3. or because I am ready to eat?

My stomach looks and feels bloated and I feel P... Off, I should of eaten protein not carbs if anything. I am now dreaming about eating a roast chicken al la ATKINS when I work from home tomorrow!

I wonder if I should go into work Tuesday?????

I am not even that P..... Off with myself.

Day 94 - Start of Fall From Grace?

After a Primark spending spree for some more basics for work, and a heavy trying on session have finally made it into bed. Plus had a lovely facial and massage at the Elemis Counter. Have booked another for 5 weeks time.



I have already had a taste of some smoked salmon out of the fridge and it was gorgeous. Sadly I then went back to the kitchen and weighed out 50g, added a mini cheese string. I told David as not adding lying about food to my behaviour. Seems so silly with only a stone to go, but think it's just showing me I am ready to eat. To try and make up for the extras, I dropped two packs.



I think I will make this commitment to myself -

• Not miss another group


• It's still not acceptable to pick at food as it hasn't been before


• Commit to another 7 lbs off, and see how I feel about Management (MMMMMM that would make me 10st 1lb, actually I am not happy about that weight and certainly feel the scales need to say 9st something!)


• Do a Thought Record and read some of the Foundation book.

I must say a savoured every piece of salmon and really tasted it.

Day 93 - Fab Night!

Back from a truly Fabulous night out with three female friends. They had a meal, wine etc in Fat Cat while I had plenty of soda water with flavour and a black coffee. This is my first meal out like this and was pleased to say it was without any problems.


I felt good, looked good and even had great hair after morning trip to hairdressers. I had on my pretty matching underwear, new heels (needed a bit of practice walking!!) and felt a million dollars.


Today was the shopping spree with my different set of chums. Making the most of not going to my group I booked a hair treatment while they had lunch. I then met them and they were pleasantly shocked at how much weight I had lost. Really really supportive and said they were going to be my Trinny & Susanah for the afternoon. The first stop was getting measured at M & S which I was not that fussed with, but when there could see the merits of getting the boobs sorted. We all decided to get measure and the assistant was lovely and came up with good recommendations for all of us. She told me I was now ............ (drum roll please) ......

36c.

I was so shocked. I never thought I would be that size again. This was my first proper size when they had stopped growing many many moons ago when at senior school. I did make the comment that they are not quite as pert as they were back then, but hey I can't have it all. LOL.
I was happy to go and buy some cheap undies elsewhere, but chums made me buy matching undies and to be honest they were right and I am glad I did.

Next I asked them to take me in shops I would not dare to go in pre LL or alone. I have often looked in the window of Zara, but thought everything looked the size of a postage stamp. Not convinced would find anything, they grabbed things of the shelf for me and we all tried a few things on. I liked a lovely white linen skirt which they wanted me to buy, but with an extra stone to go stuck to my guns and didn't. It was also expensive and my head was still in Primark!

A bit more shopping and we ended up in John Lewis. They needed hats/dresses for Ascot (not my bag so never go with them). I finally gave in and bought a white linen skirt with a small motif on the bottom and a brown vest top to go with it. I must admit I felt nice in them and looked slim. £57 later and I had an outfit for the evening. We said our goodbye's and i rushed home to get ready to go out later.

When I met my friends in the evening, they too were happily shocked and said I looked great. No negative comments, but one did say 'I won't go too far will I'. I just smiled and said no, I am nearly there. They were interested in the counselling side and as said above we had a great evening talking and having a laugh. I even got a bit more male attention again as we walked about the town. It is nice to no longer be invisible or the bubbly/likes a laugh fat one.

Today's Achievements -

• 36C
• Matching/nice undies
• new outfit
• meal out, no regrets or cravings to eat with them
• driving back home knowing no chance over the limit or hangover the next day
• realise I am looking forward to going out again and dressing up

Day 90 - Salsa Night!

Thanks for the Wolf Whistles Ladies.

Am I now back in the game for them also from builders with builders bum shouting me off scaffolding, or am I too old for that now?

I Tonight I am at my Salsa Class at 8pm. I hate it now it's at the later time, and to be honest each week puts more excuses into my head not to go due to the delay. I will keep going as I really enjoy it when there. Tonight after the class going to pop in for a coffee and see a friend who not too well for an hour.

I will have Ella tomorrow and be having her daughter Thursday morning. We will have a few jobs to do including me taking them to a weigh in as won't be in class on Saturday. I am really disappointed about that as the group will be doing the first week of development. I am finally having the many times postponed shop trip with friends on Saturday. I have to say it is no longer spectacular as we are going to have a few hours in Nottingham! The other two girls wanted it in the first place and do not sound excited by it, I wish I had just said I'm not bothering too. Ah well, have manged to squeeze a hair appointment in which is long overdue in the morning if not in the LL class, and then meet them after their lunch for the shop.

They haven't seen me for many weeks so think they will be quite amazed. Blimey for the first time ever beginning before we even started junior school, bar the one occasion I had lost some baby weight and my best friend was pregnant ....... I will no longer be the fat friend. That feels good and long may it continue. I must also say when they said a few words last time we went out about me not being the same as not drinking etc, I am so so glad I did this diet and did not cave in to temptation. In the scheme of the life I have ahead of me, it's only been a small part of time out of my life and worth every penny.

There ends my advert for LL today.

My LLC has a introduction session when I go and get weighed tomorrow so she says I can be an advert when I get there for some of the people. Who would of thought I would be at the other side. It only feels five minutes since I sat there in my own Introduction meeting and considered if I was going to be ripped off!

Right, Salsa beckons. I hope the dance moves don't get even more intimate or I will need a signed consent form from David to say I can attend, LOL

Day 89 - Comments I Did Not Expect!

Back to work today, which was of course busy with fewer hours in the day than I could of done with. Millions of emails which hardly touched and a line of people wanting to talk to me about all sorts etc etc. However, only one more day to go and off again with my babies. It will be next week I start my new hours, already I wonder if it's the right choice. BUT ........ as keep telling myself, will give it a go and not let anybody think they are going to take advantage and give me their jobs as well as my own!

Well it felt like ages since I had actually been in the office, and I had some lovely and some quite extreme reactions today. One on my way back from the shops at lunchtime a women I used to manage ran out of her office and caught me in the foyer and wanted to know what I had done to myself. She said I looked great. Another as I went upstairs back to my office was from a women I see around in the building but do not really know. She saw me, walked over to me and asked if I had lost weight. I happily bleated over 3 1/2 stone as she continued to look open mouthed at me. She congratulated me and told me she needed to get back to the gym herself or stop paying the membership and then we talked briefly about what classes I do at the gym. Had a few more of such comments today from people which were all greatly appreciated. However I want to run this one past you, as did not see this coming at any point!!!!!!!

In my team, one of the chaps I manage saw me this morning and looked shocked. He quickly asked what I had done (friendly way) and said I looked different. We then discussed a few cases so I could be updated and agreed we would travel together to a meeting later in the morning. Over the day have seen him a few times and he still kept asking me what I had done in the week since I last saw him. He then said something about how he and another guy in the team have noticed the change and wondered how, as he did the actions with his hands but meant I was now curving in the right places!!!!!!!!!!! I made some slightly embarrassed comment about not being able to say that to his own manager. He also added other female team members have noticed to try and detract from him and this guy discussing my new figure. I know I shouldn't of done, but I said I assume I look better now like this, and this is where I really did not expect the reaction ........ He Nodded very affirmatively with a sort of look in his eye!

Blimey. I have to say, this guy is happily married, there is no sexual tension between us and he is just a easy going member of my team. I was just not expecting that my weight loss and the inevitable taking a bit more care of the way I dress and look would have this affect on anyone other than me and my husband. Naive now I think about it, but blimey, blimey, blimey. When I got home just had to tell David who thought it was funny.

On the clothes front I posted about last time, I can report I could squeeze into and fasten the size 10's from DP's and Primark which was quite surreal. I managed to pour myself into some trousers in the same size but could not fasten them, but for £5 thought with another stone to go would be worth having. Chuffed as you can imagine. After trying on the new threads, I thought I'd better check the work outfit I had got out and ironed was OK. I looked at the size 16 skirt, tried it on as you guessed it was too big. It's also a very long skirt as that's what I used to wear all the time. I now realise what a fool I looked like, and it only looks worse on my now smaller frame.

At this point, at 10pm an a Monday night before going back to work, I began to feel frightened and wondered what the hack I was going to wear. I only had one pair of jeans and thought I was going to have to take a trip to 24 hr Tesco to get some work trousers or a skirt. I then realised I could go in one of my new ones and proceed to make a new outfit. I even had to ask David to put a new notch in my belt! I still truly can't believe this.

Today I felt great. New size 10 skirt, smaller belt and new handbag. I almost felt like a groomed women! LOL. Not sure will ever be a makeup before leave the house person, life's too short.

One final observation I have had today and a few other ocassions is something Lesley has mentioned before. I noticed people that I previously thought looked at ideal weight and may of even wished I could be their size, seemed overweight now. It sort of seems I can't notice on myself the weight loss, and like last night thought their was a conspiracy and somebody had been sewing in size 10 & 12's into my clothes, when really I am still big. That said I can somehow see other either getting bigger or probably more likely staying the same but I have less of me to compare with them now.

Ok, am off to bed to read now. Been to aerobics tonight and Salsa tommorow.

Night xx

Day 88 - A Bit More!

the girls and I had a great day today and are now sound asleep in bed as they should be. Painting the pots was brill, albeit more expensive than I thought. As I should of anticipated, the girls wanted to paint some of the most expensive and child friendly items rather than a boring tile or something mini. Olivia chose sleeping beauty, Lucy picked the tooth fairy. I joined them and selected a large mug with a heart on it.

It was really therapeutic and something a bit different for us all to do. I will be able to collect the items next week once they have been in the oven and I will post our works of art on my BLOG when I get them. They were really well behaved and a nice ending to the holidays.

Another bit of good and unexpected news was from someone I went to school with who now owns a beauty salon. I had popped in for a quick appointment and she told me she was 19wks pregnant. She has had so many GY problems and various procedures and operations and to be honest come to terms with no children over the years. I am so so pleased for her and gave her a big hug and smacker on the cheek. She has already had many scans due to her history but has another at 20wk so fingers crossed all is still well.

David has just popped out for something, so I have decided to make him a meal for his return. A lovely salad, rice and beef teriyaki. I have really enjoyed preparing the veg and extras to go with it for him. I did contemplate whether eating a raw piece of red onion would be a problem with my chicken pack, but quickly ignored myself in event became slippery slope.

As said before, I am ready to cook and plan healthy meals again. Hopefully now that David has had a large dose of it he will be just as active in the planning stakes so it's a shared responsibility for the family. Perhaps to prevent further temptation once back in the food saddle he could continue to do the overall shop?

Bought a few size 10 & 12's today, mainly variety of skirts as only really have one in my wardrobe which will be wearing for work. I felt fraud enough buying the 12's never mind about the 10's. Will try them on later. As some were real bargains I assume that after at least another stone off I will be in the 10 range. Have had some success fitting into some size 12's before, so will see how it goes and let you know. How strange that sounds to me. Lucy's mum told me today I looked tiny. That feels especially strange as I have always looked at her as one of my very petite friends who I assumed was a size 10. She said not and hopes for cast offs from me when they are too big!!!!!!!

Funny old world. Who would of thought it only a few short months ago!

Day 88 - Last Day of Freedom!

Just a quick post (I always say that!). Olivia and I are off school and work today as she has an inset day. I have also offered to look after her friend Lucy for the day who is also off for the same reason from another school. I plan to catch the tram with them into town, take them for lunch and have been looking at going to a 'Paint A Pot'. Never been before but thought would occupy a few more hours and in return they could make a pressie for Fathers Day.

I am looking forward to it, but it's struck me that although Olivia & Ella have not really made an issue about me not eating with them, Lucy may well ask why I am not eating. She is a really bright child and not as likely to accept it so easily. That said I will just say I will eat later and leave it at that.

Back to work tomorrow which is always hard when been off for so long. The week after I will be trying my FT/9 day fortnight! No doubt will discover what the other managers have requested in terms of me helping the other team out! Well, won't worry about that now, it's my last day of freedom. Everybody's school, nursery & work clothes are ironed ready for the week, school bags packed so at least I don't have that to worry about.

I must say I am also looking forward to getting my Saturdays back once done Foundation and Development. I love the time away but it is a fair few hours away. I know the current management class is on a Thursday evening. If that remains the same I am thinking I could work that to my advantage with the Work Life Balance hours. Instead of finishing work at 5pm, I could stay till late and go straight to the management class. Thus preventing commute home in rush hour & accrue more hours.

May see you later

Sam

Day 86 - Weigh In!

Lost 1lb this week! Have to say felt disappointed as had expected as a minimum 2/3lbs following usual standards. That said had on very light clothes last week, when usually wear jeans each week. Today had on my new pair , therefore I knew it was a possibility the lost weight on the scales was not going to be huge. Still it's yet another reminder how damaged my thought process is when it comes to scales, weight loss and how it affects my mood.

I must say had a wonderful group again today and my slight dissapointment left quite quickly. Now have two weigh ins until the end of Foundation, so will cross my fingers for a 6lbs loss to take me to 4 stone!

As the group is at different levels as said before, this week was actually week 14 in the program (some of us are wk13, 12 & 11 in reality). We completed our feedback sheet in the back of the Foundation book and handed that into our LLC at the same time as the wk 3 one we all did. Plus another one about why we were overweight. This included reasons such a slow metabolism, having children, lack of exercise and comfort eating. My first reason for being overweight was comfort eating. Did not use any of the excuses like slow metabolism.

After this we talked through the positives, negatives & any regrets of the last weeks (P 140).

The last exercise we did was to all take a blank piece of paper and add our names. We then had to pass it on to the person next to us and note down a positive about them. The paper was then folded over so your answer could not be seen by the next person and passed on each time to the person next to you until you got your own back. By the end we all had a full dose of positives strokes, and I felt this supplemented the Self Esteem Quiz I did on Mrs BLOG Page. There were less people today for one reason or another, but mine said -

• Very positive/inspiration
• Supportive, Friendly
• Support & cheerfulness, stroking
• She is the sparkle on your Xmas tree, always positive.

How lovely is that? I felt really happy with that & helped me realise I am not a fat miserable, Worse Case Scenario (WCS) girl who can't be bothered to go out with her friends! There are other things I think of myself that I could add, but I would be here all afternoon. Once again it just goes to show you we can have certain images of ourselves which are completely incorrect or somewhat skewed from reality. Yes I am the WCS person, but I'm not all the time every day of the week. The same with being miserable. I know with the latter trait this is something I also remember one of my sisters in particular calling me and it has stuck so much. When in reality as a young women growing up I was just being a teenager who had lost both parents (aunts, uncles, dogs, friends to name but a few), had a string of undesirable boyfriends and was starting to make my place in the world. Nevertheless I even remember examples of one sister agreeing with a particular boyfriend that I was stroppy and in effect he did well to put up with it. Wheres the solidarity in that sis?

I feel like I need to qualify this and say I love my sisters (they are twins and like chalk and cheese. I used to name them the soft sister and hard one! I also have a brother who will be 58yrs) who have been there for me in so many ways it makes me cry thinking about how lucky I was and still am to have them in my life. They are from a completely different time and generation to me (they are 55yrs), and have not had any of the opportunities that were either offered to me or in reality I took. So much so they both still live together and always will. I know one sister has turned down marriage proposals and both put their lives on hold to care for people, including our mum who had cancer for many years before dying. They also had their father who one of them would visit every night to keep him company, clean & make a dinner for him (all after going to work FT). I sometimes went with them as a child and I assume this began when our mother and their father separated. It continued until he died too.

After he died I remember thinking they could have a life now, but then they started looking after our next door neighbour who became more frail, ill and eventually died over the years. I felt cross and said so sometimes that she had children and where were they looking after their mother? That said she was a lovely lady who was friends with our mum and her family didn't live close, I just thought what a bloody injustice for my sisters. After watching my sisters taking on more and more roles whether it was down to them or not, I decided I would never do that. Therefore when I met David (not first date or anything) I made it clear I would never, ever be having his parents or other family members to live with us if they became ill or whatever reason. I also made clear I would not be a carer for anybody and be visiting people on a daily basis. This view is so matter a fact and out in the open in David's and my family now. Of course I would not be abandoning anybody, but would not let it take over whatever life I have left, nor will I expect my girls to look after D avid & I. My sisters fully support it and talk about what they had to do and how it did have an impact on their own lives. Sadly some years ago Davids Dad had a stroke which eventually meant he could not go home. He now lives in a home near David's mum (in fact that's where David and the girls are now).

Look, I've done it again. Started off positive and now dragging up the past. I suppose one way or another it's all relevant on this voyage of discovery. As Lesely comments, there is no point doing the BLOG without being honest.

With the house to myself, I think I will go and try on a few clothes .....

Day 84 - Feel Fantastic!

Have returned from my market research music night. Blimey we earned our money tonight!!!! There were 750 quick snippets of music from past to present day. We had to comment on whether we hated the song, knew it through to loving it. At first it was great, after hours I was sick to death of music. A few tracks made me smile or almost cry due to the associations they had. There was no fear of having to negotiate the buffet either as no time or inclination at break time. Anyway, that's £30 towards the clothes fund.

Got home about 10pm, and David said he had not long get home with the girls (now sleeping in bed). After Olivia's swimming lesson he decided to take them out for a drive and ended up at Gunthorpe. Who should shout him as they began to walk but his sister, hubby and their youngest daughter on their boat. They bought a second hand one over a year ago, and we still had not been to see it! David said they all climbed aboard and the girls had a great time.

I feel today has been a really really brill day and wish it could be like this more often. (Not sure if it's about my attitude). I took the girls to the play centre in Derby ..... they all loved it, I felt relaxed and I didn't even get lost to/from. It struck me today how different Olivia and Ella are. It used to be so painful taking Olivia anywhere like that as she would cling to one of us. Ella arrived, took her shoes off and was happy to wander off around the play equipment with or without her sister and their friend. She would pop back occasionally like the others for a drink and the loo. I could see them all playing. I felt like I enjoyed being a mum today and felt that was what it was all about. We arrived at 11am and did not leave until 3.30pm. As David said earlier, they have all had value for money out of today. Hopefully will enjoy the creche, maybe a trip to the library and aunty visit tommrow just as much.

To add to my happines, opened my emails and have a reply about a possible placement that I will need to do if I apply for a counselling course to start 2008. She has asked me to contact the manger of placements early next week and arrange to meet him with a view to the said placement 2008. How brill is that, not in the bag of course but at least they want to see me. I then thought about the extra hours I have agreed to do at work and have told myself once again if I can only get on a course which is in the week, I will do it and sod the extra cash. I have wanted to pursue this forever and will do what it takes.

I feel so happy, in control and clear of where I want to go I am tearful again. Is it my hormones? the only fly (a small one anyway) is that I fleetingly wonder what is going to happen in my perfect life to knock me back to reality. I am not dwelling but it is my nature to be 'The Worse Case Scenario Women'. It's not always obvious to the outside world, but I just like to be prepared.

Getting a bit deeper now .........

I think it stems back to loosing a number of key family members, including my mum and the equivalent to my dad in a short space of time at a young age. I distinctly remember telling myself in the funeral car for my mum that nothing and nobody would ever be as bad as this day/time in my life. I vowed to refuse to let anybody in to be hurt like that again. Don't get me wrong I had and do have positive relationships with people after that point. I just had that period as a measure of unhappiness. Not sure anybody reading will get this, but here goes. I love David with everything, however I have worse case scenarioed him not being in my life one way or another many times. I wish to stress I want him in my life and is my soul mate, but ....... I have already calculated I would survive. However the only people I could not safeguard myself from the hurt would be Olivia and Ella.

OK, not ending on that note.

Back to the playcentre. Last time I was there I was FAT. This time I was slimmer and felt normal again like like commented in a previous post. So much so, If I lost sight of any of them I jumped on the equipment and ran around like the other parents. He He, who cares if my bum looks big in this, it's nolonger the biggest!

Night Folks xx

Day 83 - Excellent Salsa!

Truly is a quick post tonight as already 10.30pm and will need my wits about me as another day of school holidays with Olivia, Ella and One of their friends in the morning to face!

Had a really good Salsa class tonight and learnt even more moves. After the class she left the music on for anybody to have a bit more practice. Tonight I was assertive and grabbed a man to do a bit more dancing with. Not sure we are a match made in heaven, me being 5 ft 2 and him being somewhere in the sky but we managed to make it work.

I took the girls to Sherwood Forest today to see the Major Oak. I thought it would be good despite the weather so they could run about freely without me telling them they are close to a busy road. Had over 1 1/2 hour walk with them, although Ella would hop into the pram when her little legs hurt. Olivia remarked that we were getting good exercise and seemed to enjoy that fact (they are doing healthy eating/exercise at school). Nevertheless both had a sleep on the way back as worn out.

Tomorrow I will be taking them to a play centre in Derby. It's great there as I have a full view of where they are from the adult seating area and they can't get out so am looking forward to perhaps drinking plenty of coffee, water and reading some magazines. MMMM, bliss. We will stay for lunch, do a bit more play then get home. Olivia then has swimming at 6pm so I hope I don't hear moaning about being bored!!!!!

I will be helping with some market research Thursday night for a few hours. David and I have done a few things before. Once you are on the list they call you maybe a few times a year. Last time I had to comment on a new Aunt Bessie product in terms of the marketing campaign (no tasting). The adverts are currently on. You know the frozen scones and other cakes which you put in the oven. I think one of the adverts are two show home agents baking some. The time before that I had to comment on financial products for Co-op. David has had to comment on pre-packed Sandwiches before.

On Thursday I have been told I will be listening to some music for a few hours, with a break in between. There is always a buffet, alcohol and anybody who helps gets paid. This time it's £30. Previous times it's usually £40 plus. Will add the cash to the clothes fund.

See you soon, too tired now and have another pack to go yet.

Perhaps a choc one made into a mouse .......... who needs Cadbury's Melted Dairy Milk anyway?

Sam xxx

Day 81 - Cadbury's World!

Thanks for the so supportive comments on my BLOG. It has really made me smile and feel a warm glow. Reading and posting with you all has made a huge difference to the overall package of getting rid of my weight, and hopefully keeping it off! I will get around to photos when have selected some as well as some vital statistics as I know it helps me to keep motivated seeing how well we can do dieting.

We all went to Cadbury's World today, and only just home. Had a great time although it was heaving with people. I think it's an excellent idea booking you time slot on the tour, otherwise it would be so unknown how long you would have to wait for everything as well as availability. The only downside was that you had to queue for almost everything! Not always for a long time, but that became a little boring. On the other side it was well organised and once you had paid to get in (cost us £41 - Ella was free and also bought an activity book for Olivia and a brochure about Cadbury's) technically you did not need to pay anymore if took a packed lunch. Anybody looking for a day out for the family or friends, I certainly recommend it as long as you are not a choco-holic. I commented to David that if we were going to Kebab World I would of been in trouble!

http://www.cadburyworld.co.uk/en/cworld

For those of you who have not been, at almost every turn you are given loads of free chocolate as well as being offered a small cup of melted milk chocolate with the option to add different sweets and flavours. David had sports mixtures and milk chocolate , while the girls had a cup of choc on its own each. I was not sure what I was going to do as the time approached to get them, but it all happened so fast, I removed myself from the queue and helped the girls. I did not get one. They smelt lovely, just like a school cookery lesson when you make rice crispy cakes and melt the large slab of chocolate over the bowl of hot water. To be honest a really comforting smell as I loved school.

While we queued for the main exhibition and tour around the site, David and the girls were happy eating. Olivia asked me if I wanted to try it? Again, I did reason it out in my mind and had a lick of a spoon of chocolate. It was delicious, but I left it at that. Rather than feeling like I have failed for trying it (But David did look at me with complete and utter shock, however he denies this!) I felt strangely confident, in control and clear headed. That said I would of loved more of the stuff and watched as both Olivia and Ella eventually put the remaining cup of soft milky chocolate in the bin, as quite rightly they had had enough. I know pre LL I would of finished them off as hate waste. Even 'Wasting' something did not tug at my heart strings as much as it did 11 weeks ago.

I was tested again when we went in the shop. Loads of offers, huge bars and novelty chocolates. I opted for a new key ring to remind me of the day rather than any chocolate to have when I am able to eat a little. I did debate it for a while, but I knew if I bought something it would just eat away at my brain as I knew it was exclusively for me until it had gone! Got a new flavour for a friend and David got a few things. The girls only wanted a Cadbury's sticker and off we went home. wallet and Purse lighter but feeling we had made the effort to take the girls out.

A success!

One issues I am less confident about was our stop off at a service station on the way back. It had a M & S so we got a selection of Sandwiches and snacks for the way home as would be too late for a meal when we got back to Nottingham. As I passed around the food to the rest of my family, my mind wandered to what would happen when I can eat? Olivia and ell did not like the SW we settled on, David did not want it either so it was wasted. I could of eaten it. It was a egg mayo and ham roll with lettuce. I looked at the food label during the drive back and noted it was low GI, only had about 330 calories and not too bad fat wise. It was marked as a healthy alternative, I was pleasantly surprised and commented to David. I did mention my fears about what I would do when I could eat, and said I would probably of eaten the sushi, but maybe this roll would of been OK. Man of few words is David, and he just said not to worry about it and that LL would let me know how I would manage this situation.

I know he is right, but my nature is impatient and I sort of want somebody to tell me that I will still be able to have a takeaway, eat out, visit friends and pick nice things of a holiday menu. I feel really frightened of the thought of being told in management that I can never do these things ever ever again. That said, I realise I cannot return to old eating habits and forget exercise once I am at goal. I love salad with protein, like the GI principles and hope I can return at least in part back to the Food Doctors/Ian Marber philosophy. Obviously most of us have tried the willpower method before, and one way or another it's not worked for me on a ongoing basis. I accept it's about making choices, I just hope I can do this forever.

I don't want to be negative at this leg of the race, but I am only posting what I have felt to a greater or lesser extent through the program. The only difference now I have have 3 weeks left on foundation, and hopefully a small stint in development.

Off to bed now, David is back at work Tuesday but I am off with the girls all week. More activities to be had but hopefully a quieter one tomorrow to recover.

PS - had on a new pair of size 14 Jeans on today. Snug, but nevertheless on. As I wandered around today I felt like a normal wife & mum. Not the fat wife & mum who has let herself go! That felt good.

Night Night xx

Will catch up with you all Tuesday

Day 79 - Weigh Time & Reality!

Have lost 5 3/4 Lbs this week and of course chuffed as mint balls. As usual was expecting less than this, so am well on my way to the 4 Stone challenge I have set myself. I did well on my water, had all my packs bar one as too tired and enjoyed my exercise classes.

I may come back and post more later as hubby wants the computer, however wanted to report I have just had a tearful moment.

I had updated my ticker and it now says I have lost 22.6kg with 7.5kg to goal. Converting this on the computer says I have a little over 16lbs to go. I was explaining to David these calculations as we looked in the cupboard and found a 1.5kg bag of flour to try and get our heads around how much blubber has gone. Although to be fair David is probably well aware how big I looked previously!!!!

At this point David said I could be a goal in about 4 more weeks. I disagreed as had some weeks ago worked out I would need at least 4 weeks after Foundation, and I currently have 3 more weigh ins in my Foundation block. I then did the maths and realised to date I have tended to loose 14lbs every 4 weeks.

At this point my eyes filled up and I realised I am so close to goal (in comparison) I can quite literally taste it. I feel happy tearful now as I write this and just can't believe it. The crooked thought I am sure will arrive anytime now and say from this point on I will loose only 1lb a week for the next 16/17 weeks. Dam you Crooked thoughts.

OK, better go.

PS. I opted for the size 10 top from ASDA I bought yesterday ........ it only bloody fit and I felt fabulous. That said I am still based in reality as know if went to another shop, would not be able to get their size 10 over my ears!

Day 78 - Negative Comment!!!!!

Well, just had to post about this ........

Ella and I treated ourselves (OK it was for my benefit) to a look around our just opened ASDA clothes shop. Few items purchased for me including a size 12 T-Shirt which I am pleased to say fits and looks nice and a selection of swimwear and matching short (not sure!!!) skirt which you wear over the beach outfit. Of course the girls got a couple of new swimsuits so not to feel left out.

Anyway, as usual I digress.

I met a lady and her daughter on one of the isles who I have certainly not seen since LL, but could even be at least 6 months before that too. She said something along the lines of "By god, you've lost some weight". She then quickly asked if the loss was intentional (I believe she was checking whether I had been ill or not). Nevertheless pleased with the comment, I happily reported yes 3 Stone, with a bit more to go. She then said "You don't want to go too far, otherwise it will show in my face". She looked grave, as if I was about to die!!!!!!!!!! I reluctantley nodded at which point we parted.

How Rude!

In writing my tale, I realised a few things as I have thought about it over the day

1. That that particular women has only ever know me overweight. I met her at baby clinic when Olivia was a baby.
2. That I have not dwelled on this one negative today and thought about needing to eat food as that said comfort blanket
3. That it will be the first of hopefully not too many negative back handed compliments.

Over the week have had a few moments where I have convinced myself will not really loose any more weight to any significant level. Whats that about? LL has not failed me yet, it will come off. My BLOG says it, but my mind needs to catch up. I have convinced myself that I will not only not reach my 4 stone goal by the end of foundation, but that failing that I will be way off it!!!!!!!! I keep telling myself I have x4 Weigh In's left, it will be fine. However I am looking forward to getting weighed Saturday, but have not found my old pictures.

Better get looking

See Ya

Day 74 - Work!

Thanks for the lovely comments on my BLOG regarding failed hobbies, sick husbands, wedding dresses and my clear fetish for takeaway. You know, I never know it was that bad!!!!!!!

I thought I would just do a quick update as to my work proposition.

After much thought and discussion with both sets of friends (you know the ones who say try it and the others who say no way), as well as speaking to my colleagues who are currently in my old team, I have decided to give it a trial. Chris and Lesley Don't throw anything at your computers, I did listen to you and agree 100% life is far too short to run myself into the ground for somebody else benefit.

The balanced advice from Friend 1 who already has been doing the 9 day fortnight was give it a try. She made me see working at home one day a fortnight with Ella in tow does not mean chaining myself to a desk and ignoring her for 7.5 hours. Friend 2 who has children a similar age to me and has seen me do x4 days before I was a manager and what I do now advised me not to compromise on what I want. In particular I wanted my day off each fortnight to be Friday, and work at home the next one. I am currently off Thursday & Friday, all my PT working friends as well as Ella & Olivia's friends are off then too and we have established routines and links. Therefore I met with my boss, told her all my fears at ultimately being dumped on and expected to clear up the back log every week and being responsible for it. This is as well as some of the 'Personalities' involved too! I also told them my nursery can only offer Thursday as the extra day and why I wanted Friday too.

Job Done. The Friday seems to of been accepted, nursery can take the girls from 14/06/07 and all we need to agree are the ground rules of the work I will be undertaking.

Husbands is already looking concerned I will return in to monster career women again, but just like LL I will allay his fears by showing him I will either cope or pack it in. Now I have been on the other side of working every hour God sends, feeling stressed, having no energy or time for my family and friends ........ I will not allow it to happen again. Plus as stress is one of my many triggers to eat excessively to make myself feel better, I will not allow work to ruin my hard earned progress and opportunity to sort my life out.

Right, feel better now my mind is made up and off to bed to read a New, Crispy/untouched Magazine (another addiction of mine, but better than eating biscuits which happened to be calling at a particularly difficult meeting I attended this afternoon).

As a contingency, I will of course be relying on you all as well as my hubby to tell me if I suddenly am no longer upbeat!

Day 72 - Weigh In, Week 10!

Another week over and 3lbs gone! That' s a fraction over 44 LBS. I now have 4 weeks until the end of Foundation and would love to total a 4 Stone loss/56 LBS!

This week we looked at Instant Gratification (Wk 12, P128). I had already completed mine over the previous two weeks to try and keep me on the straight and narrow. We had to identify things we had Mastered during our lives, things we were currently trying to master and finally think of what has/does provide us with Instant Gratification. The latter will come as no surprise was generally eating something that perhaps may not of been the best choice for us. However it could be I suspect like any other addiction such as shopping, alcohol, drugs etc.

One thing which struck a cord was when my LLC talked about things we had given up before mastering in the past. Like most of us I had many things ... Karate, Playing the piano, Calligraphy and so it goes on. She went onto talk about rating the importance of those things from 1-10 (1 being no real importance right up to 10 being very important to us). I had always felt a bit of a failure for no longer doing those things, and others included which of course fed into my belief I can never stick at anything. This I know is untrue deep down, but it always seemed easier to reprimand myself for no longer being able to play the piano, that I am not a black belt in karate or even a master calligraphy who could illustrate. However I conveniently forget that I have mastered many things on an every day level like driving alone around the country, studied, passed and obtained employment after attending University, even passing beginners Salsa. Again I think this all fits with last weeks Action Plan I set to try a Kick Boxing class before the end of foundation. As I said, If I try it and dislike it this does not mean I have failed/can't stick to anything. It just means I have rated it quite low on my list of priorities and want to do other things.

Our homework for this week is to complete a Daily Diary of our everyday activities and define if it fits into Mastery, Pleasure or Instant Gratification. That should be interesting. Also we will get our before pictures if we want them and have agreed to bring in some old photos of ourselves to see how we have changed. I am quite eager to do the latter as have only quite recent ones of me. It would be good to look at them when I was younger and the honeymoon to see how fat or not I was!

The lady at goal has been to her first maintenance class this week, and may well join us in a few weeks time so she can still see us. This is good news for her but strange and sad for us as a group.

Also one of the ladies has returned from a holiday abroad and was pleased she stayed the same weight. She looks really well, has an all over tan instead of hiding behind a tankini and is back on track with full packs.

Right, see you soon

Sam xx

Day 71 - My Wedding Dress!

Just a quick post tonight as will be off to aerobics soon. To be honest I feel quite tired today and would normally be looking for some excuse not to go by now! I also went to Abs Blast this morning and we used the stability ball at the end. I can feel my sit up rate increasing, so am pleased done for the past 3 weeks.

To fill time between going out, I sorted a few more clothes out while the girls were happy playing in the play room next door. Not many small clothes left now, and the ones that are no longer appeal. I tried on a dress with a matching cardigan I wore pre-children fully expecting to still have more to loose to get into it. I can report it fits, and apart from my now wobbly tum which could be corrected with magic pants, looked great. I was gobbed smacked. I then eventually tried on my beautiful hand made wedding dress (made by Davids mum) and also to my shock that fit too. The top bodice was actually too big, while the skirt part fits just right. I had estimated that I was approx 11 stone when I got married, so this seems to fit in with that.

I also remember our honeymoon to Barbados and the variety of bikinis I wore, and I felt fit and healthy then. Yes I had my size hang ups, but I felt so at home there and I was positively small compared to some of the locals.

So here I am today, at the same weight as on my wedding day which was July 99. I Know since then, I have not been any smaller so am starting to feel the gravity of what I am actually achieving.

Part 2 - Back From Aerobics

Thought I would add a bit more, as I think I have realised something. On the way home I passed through the shops and the restaurants/takeaway shops seemed to stick out like beacons! They did earlier today too when the girls and I walked back from the dentist and library. My mind just kept thinking about whether I would ever be able to have a takeaway again, or if like an alcoholic I will have to spend the rest of my life (if I want to be slim) without any!!!!!! I hope so much the more logical option is I can have a takeaway, but in moderation.

Anyway, I think I realised why the desire to have one this week is so strong. It's because I have what feels like a hard week in terms of my stress/out of my comfort zone triggers. I would of made myself feel better in the past by eating, ordering in and no doubt some wine.

My triggers have been having to make up my mind about the job offer and looking at the implications for the family, having a poorly husband (two wisdom teeth out Tuesday, much blood, pain and swollen face), working on Thursday when should be my day off and juggling favours and childcare, having an admin day on Tuesday but not being as productive as I would of liked and so my admin mountain is still huge with no ideas when I could fit another in! To emphasise the point I found myself wandering around the house/kitchen on Tuesday, which pre LL would of eaten all sorts to break up the day and make myself feel better.

Now I have realised why I NEED my comfort food this week, I feel better and hopeful will not be dreaming of Takeaways all my life.

It's weigh day Saturday, so I am looking forward to that. Have no real idea how much I have lost so will not make any predictions this week. I occasionally have crooked thoughts about the exercise I have started again. One of the women who is in my group has said a few times she is not going to do any exercise until she is at goal weight, as muscle weighs more than fat. She says she wants no excuse for the weight not coming off each week. Any advice folks. Lesley you have done so well on the weight loss front, so I am thinking it can't be true, but as I lost 2lbs last week I did wonder a little.

OK, have two packs left so am off for a feast.

Day 67 - Be Careful What You Ask For!!!!

Back to work today and a chance to put some more of my Action Plans & Experiments in place. To be honest they are quite Back To Basics, but necessary to tackle.

As well as the boxercise challenge, I have also set myself the task of getting out the house in the morning in good time to do nursery/school runs and get to work without being late. More recently it has got so bad the children have missed the allocated breakfast time. Luckily as we have been going since Olivia was about 7 months old we have a good relationship and happily nursery still fed them. Also on school days what with children having strops as about to go out of the door because I refused to take a skipping rope, and mainly me leaving things till last minute (trying to squeeze another task in before we leave which even a shoe horn would struggle with!)we have been late there too. Therefore on work days have set the aim of us all being being ready by 7.30am, with the intention of leaving about 7.45/50am. Have decided x3 snoozes on alarm clock not helping either so given myself an extra 5 minutes in bed, but get up straight away when it goes off. Either that or when Ella flings open our bedroom door, climbs into my side and plonks a wet pull up on my head.

Felt a bit rushed, I was not quite ready for 7.30am, but we did leave on time with plenty of time for breakfast at nursery. A success, and as a result I felt a little more in control. I hasten to add David is great in the morning and always has been.

My other goal or Action plan is to get more early nights. I want to be in bed to sleep by 10pm at least 4 nights per week. I have struggled to do this due to wanting to get value out of the evening, trying to avoid anymore comments from David about him not seeing me, sitting on the computer (we all know what that is like) etc. Anyway, I love reading in bed so have allowed myself time to do this before sleep time so that I don't as is usually the case go to bed, end up reading for an hour and before I know it it's 11pm +.

Finally in designing my experiments (p122) I will look at making time for me to support my self esteem as previously discussed and consider my response before I agree to something whether that's personal or within work. Classic example being the Salsa Party and invites from people that I know at the time I have no interest in going to, but end up saying yes. This is where it gets complicated, hence today's BLOG title!

I had supervision with my boss today, went well and she is easy to talk too. We were looking at last years personal work objectives for me and discussing them over the coming year. I happened to mention about a course I may be interested in attending in the future and tried to establish any flexibility in changing days if necessary to accommodate it. She agreed this was fine. I also mentioned I sometimes miss the buzz of my old job and would not want to loose the crisis/swift response management I have developed over the years now I am doing longer term work. To cut this long story short she wondered if I would be able to cover that team when they are short due to a/l, sick etc. I agreed that was fine and have pencilled something in for July when there will be problems. In that week if I can sort my childcare I said I would be happy to do the Thursday & Friday too for payment and not just swapping as I have been doing for an extra day off somewhere else.

She also asked me if I would ever be interested in being FT again? I said I may want this when girls are both at school, but Ella only 3yrs in December. She then talked about if I wanted it sooner she could offer me the x3 days in my team, and the other x2 in old team. Or if more interested in another years time she could still offer me FT and can ask somebody else she has in mind on a temp basis. We also talked about me having the same 9 day fortnight package that the FT staff have, but due to my childcare I could have a specific day one week and be off, the other I could work from home and I suppose technically could try and juggle my hours so could care for Ella until she at school. MMMMMM, a lot to think about.

I am now in a real dilemma!!!!! I meant what I said about keeping my hand in the old job, but if I'm honest I love the fact I finish on a Wednesday and have two extra days to take Olivia to school, swimming lessons, be with Ella, potter around and generally feel like you do not have to fit your life into Saturday and Sunday. As for the money side ....... when I originally decided to go PT I worried about cash as the main earner. Now David earns a bit more and like everybody told me you get used to it. Plus the more you earn, the more you loose as well as more childcare costs. Will mull it over this week.

Me and my big mouth!!!!!!

From more of a LL front -

I opened the exercise bands tonight and tried a few exercises out of Zest magazine. The girls loved trying them too and helped me decipher the pictures. I was surprised how much resistance they give, so may need to try and give them ago properly. However my hands now smell like rubber, and I have finally realised what it reminds me of! It's been a long time since needed to use such extra bedroom accoutrement's. LOL (just realised not referring to anything battery operated ...... Think I will leave this subject now before ramble on any further)!

Right, need to get my finger out if want reading time for my 10pm curfew.

Night folks xx

Day 65 - Weigh In!

Was a little shy of my 3lbs aim today to take me to 3 Stone and lost instead 2.2lbs. Initially felt gutted and then woke up when my LLC said I had lost over half a stone in 2 weeks. I am now pleased with it, but in any case will be telling anybody who will listen I have lost 3 stone!

A really good group today, and we have certainly gelled now. We looked at Action Planning (Page 120/WK 11). This looked at setting some specific goals, much like we did in the beginning weeks to keep us motivated. Once it had been explained we were given time to set one there and then. I opted as follows :

GOAL - Try a boxercise/kick fit class at the gym

THINGS I WILL DO - Build up my stamina/fitness with other classes like aerobics for at least a few more weeks.

WHEN I WILL DO THIS - By the time I have finished Foundation

THINGS THAT MIGHT GET IN THE WAY OF ME ACHIEVING THIS - Feeling tired, work, childcare, other projects involved in

HOW MIGHT I SOLVE THIS - Plan & Book the sessions a week in advance so I am aware of my diary

I am really pleased we did this today, and I am glad I have this specific goal. I have wanted to do this class at the gym for so long and never felt confident enough or that it was achievable. I kept telling myself I will do it at some point! At least now I can see light at the end of the tunnel and know I will have a go. If I don't like it, fine. At least I can tick it off the list of things would like to try.

The lady I have talked about before who has lost her weight, and actually did the first week of maintenance has put on just under 2lbs. Of course she feels sad but fully admits she did not follow the rules, She is torn because she wants to stay in our group, but probably really needs to join a Maintenance one so she can continue to succeed. Obviously it's weeks before any of us can join her. I don't want her to fall of the straight and narrow again, so will cross my fingers for her. I did give her a jokey telling off, I hope in a supportive way.

Tonight David is going out with friends (good for him - He He) and usually would look forward to this for many reasons. One of the main ones ordering a Takeaway to eat alone (I hasten to add this was not a secret from David, I just enjoyed treating myself with the food and eating something without a child either wanting some or interupting a meal because they want a wee/reading a story/playing with etc) when he had gone out, kids in bed and being able to watch TV without consent from anybody else. However tonight will go with kids in bed, a bath if any energy followed by either TV/Magazine and an earlier night. I can feel myself looking forward to it I think as much as the pre-LL planning I did deciding on the medicating takeaway.

Let the good times roll!

Day 64 - In the Exercise Zone!

It's been a funny old week with some highs as well as some unexpected lows. More of that later.

I finally think I am back in the exercise zone and not that going through the motions of doing exercise but preferring to be elsewhere feeling either! Just back from Aerobics and did Abs Blast again this morning. Have booked the same classes for next Friday too. Have also booked Aerobics for Tuesday night, and again hope to be doing that on a weekly basis as I did before starting LL. I kept getting a glimpse of myself in the mirror and feeling proud of how far I had come. Today I wore a sporty sleeveless hooded top which has been in my wardrobe for years. I never felt confident enough to wear it before, but felt great and ultimately NORMAL. I was no longer the fattest one in the class puffing and panting. I also have to admit even though I must of lost some of my stamina, it was easier moving around being nearly 3 Stone lighter.

As I kissed my daughters goodnight before going to Aerobics, Ella watched me put my trainers on and said in a cheerful voice ...... 'Are you going to the gym mummy?'. I answered yes and felt positive that my girls see a mummy who goes out, enjoys sport/activities as well as looking after them.

My sister came to see me this afternoon after she finished work, and usually collects some chips on the way for her dinner (in the past I would of joined her) and brought some for Ella - a so called child's portion (which I shared with Olivia later too). Anyway, I made a vegetable soup and sat down with them to eat. She asked if I was still dieting and felt sorry for me. I said it's fine as David and I will be eating our meal together later. She was happy with that and I surprised myself with the speed of the excuse. Clearly I still haven't told her about LL. I know she will just worry especially as I begin to loose the next stones. She hasn't said it yet, but I am sure the comments will come about 'NOT GOING TOO FAR'.

At work had two more colleagues who not seen me for a while shocked in a pleased way with my weight loss. One said I am half the women I used to be!

Now for the unexpected lows ........

On Tuesday went to another Salsa Party with Natalie. It's the end of our beginners course and we receive a certificate before we start the next level next week. I wore some of my old smaller clothes and felt confident. However in essence it was CRAP!!!!!!! and a complete waste of cash. I forgot my water flavour too so felt like a sado drinking my already flavoured bottle of water while everybody else was drinking mainly alcohol (not that I wanted any, but once again only Natalie knows I am doing LL!). Once again I felt like CRAP, returned home, felt upset and chatted to David about it which was great. He actually knew what I was talking about as had similar feelings (in terms of going out with friends, and wanting to come home after a while).

In essence I left at 9pm, wanted to leave earlier as bored, bored, bored and not really that interested in going through the motions of being sociable with my salsa group. The whole evening was SHIT, I was clearly not bothered by the buffet on offer ..... but I did reflect and wondered if I would of medicated with the buffet had I not been on LL to make myself feel better?

I then felt angry/paranoid that Natalie would of told people I was doing LL, and that was why I didn't have any buffet.

The learning from this is ...... Think before accepting an invitation. If I don't want to do it, don't and stop trying to support others at your own detriment. I have done this most of my life from a young age and I do not want to do it anymore. Ultimately I had doubts when I was invited and I wished I had gone to Aerobics!

Also at work had a strange moment with a colleague who I sit next to. Not sure have mentioned her before, but we have not worked together long so are still getting to know each other but enjoy some funny banter. We chatted on Tuesday about what we got up to at the weekend, so I told her I went for a skin analysis at Elemis and told her about what they said (one wrinkle forming, poor skin, open pores, not as much sun damage as I thought etc). I said I was prompted to go as I had used Clinque for many years and wanted a change. At which point she laughed and told me she uses Dove to wash her face and couldn't imagine anybody saying they were bored of Clinque! She also asked, as she has done before, where do I find the time to go out, exercise, look after my skin. I successfully laughed it off and we eventually got on with our work. I think this comment just tapped into how I have been feeling in terms of whether I am spending too much time/money on myself, you know with the extra baths, gym, salsa, always trying on clothes and experimenting with different looks now I am slimmer and making time to pamper myself . I kept telling myself I am actually quite low maintenance by some women's standards IE washing my face with Clinque in the shower each morning, then a quick wipe with the toner and a bit of moisturiser, I can never be bothered to do the nightime part, which is probably why my skin is so poor at the moment.

So for the second time on Tuesday I felt uncomfortable and out of control which I am sure would of resulted in too much comfort food. Had other uncomfortable moments, but were part of the same coin when I shared with somebody about LL. I told them I had not told anybody at work, and she was happy to keep it that way. Immediately after I felt vulnerable and wished I had not told her.

Come on ladies, why have I got such a problem with certain people knowing I am doing LL. At different points I have felt like a fraud when people want to know the secret to my diet. Also, any comments regarding me spending time on myself greatly appreciated. I think I have got so wrapped up in my LL bubble I am unsure if I have become obsessive.

Day 60 - More Strange Feelings/Thoughts!

To cut a very long set of thoughts short, I asked David if he thought it would ruin my hard work if I ate something?

Previously I have had this as an internal dialogue, but have never let my guard down and vocalised that to him. He offered some brief sensible advice but to be honest he tried to move the situation on and not dwell on it. He also made himself a cheese sandwich for his evening meal instead of either ordering form the takeaway or cooking something which I felt was a good move for me. I then made a pack and happily ate that. I had this conversation while I emptied a couple of food cupboard of out of date food (including x5 bags of different flours all out of date ... our bread maker is now redundant!).

For the last few days been thinking about food and how I want us all to eat as a family. I found myself watching one of the shopping channels that was showcasing 'THE NICER DICER'. I was hooked. For anybody who has not seen one, it basically chops fruit, veg, cheese, you name it in two different sizes without mess. It showed you how to make a great salsa and was using lovely fresh produce. It was for sale at the obscene price of £37 once you had added the postage. I liked it, but not that much. I just imagined when I am back into food how brill it would be to quickly make a variety of salads. I think since I have got further into the program I have relaxed a bit more around food whether that's watching cooking on the TV, looking at recipes in magazines etc. Maybe this has added to my interest in food.

That said, apart from verbalising eating with David, It has never been an option to eat, even if I may of fantasied about it from time to time. I have come too far, and In my thought record have told myself if I was going to eat, it would be a planned special occasion and not some random day eating something ill advised and substandard.

While on the food subject, David, Ella and I went to McDonald's after we dropped Olivia at yet another party, and it was too far to go home. David had not eaten, so had a meal, Ella had some fruit and a drink, and you've guessed it I had a black coffee and a few bites of a bar. I began to think about a typical Saturday prior to LL. I may well of managed a decent breakfast of porridge made with soya milk, fresh blueberries & natural yogurt on the top. That's if I'd not gone down the buttery toast and sweet tea route! I would of had a quarter pounder with cheese meal, chips and strawberry milkshake. Filled self up with snacks until children gone to bed and then shared a takeaway with David, lets say an Indian meal (the works) and eaten about 9pm. Two takeaways in one day, neither a healthy choice and lets not forget alcohol.

While remembering this typical day, I got a sudden pang of being frightened. I was not sure if this was because I could no longer act like this when I return to food, or because I was starting to dream of future Saturday nights once off the packs. Was the latter reason showing I was heading for a slippery slope, and actually I had not learnt anything over the last weeks? Could I manage my food forever? will I eventually give up and be fat again?

I decided to get my Foundation book out as not looked at it for a while or done any exercises. I had not got my head around Thought Records, so read about them, and committed to doing one every night to get me focused.

On a positive note I have not eaten anything, at least I am dreaming of healthy meals and am still aware food is a danger for me.

I will succeed at this and I just need to remember how GOOD it feels to receive compliments, forever changing clothes size, and looking normal.

This Year I have many things to look forward to, here are some of them ........

1. Holiday in August
2. Christmas family gathering 2007, most of them will not of seen me since last year
3. Seeing my Gran and friends who have not seen me since I started he diet
4. Getting to goal weight of 9st something
5. Proving those silly crooked thoughts and doubters wrong

PS ..... I eventually ordered a NICER DICER off Ebay for £12 delivered! I will be making Salads galore for David as soon as it arrives!

http://www.bestdirect.tv/product-Nicer-Dicer--Free-Perfect-Peeler-BDA07641.htm

Day 58 - Weigh In ....... 8 Weeks, 2 Days!

Have lost 5 3/4 Lbs this week and hopefully by next week will be classed as OVERWEIGHT as opposed to OBESE! Of course I am chuffed to pieces and have reached my ambitious target of over 2 St 7 Lbs in 8 weeks (well 39lbs or just realised 3lbs off 3 Stone!). In my head I am ahead of the game by half a stone of the predicted 3 stone lost in the 100 days of abstinence.

My group and the LLC were lovely as ever today and said they could really notice the weight difference on me now, which feels great to hear. The lady I talked about last week who had her birthday looks better each week, and even managed to loose weight despite a few birthday treats. As a group we all seem to agree if people are going to eat in abstinence for whatever reason, planing is the way forward. This is opposed to arriving at the function and eating all courses and then some!

I asked my husband to measure my height once and for all today so I could stop convincing myself either way that I was taller than 5ft.1 or worse smaller. The height has come out in my favour and I am pleased to report I am 5 ft 2. Result I cry. However when I looked at the LL BMI chart we were all given today I see that allows me to be 61.6kg as opposed to 60.1kg (at the top end of being healthy). Well every little helps. I will now put the BMI debate to rest until the 14 weeks is up, and see where I am then.

My body aches after Abs Blast, but in a comforting, yes I must of done something way.

Today in the group we looked at the games people play. I just sat there and felt this game playing is what happens between me and hubby. He tells me he feel unwell/not right, I offer him the vitamins or dietery advice, he then ignores me and I resort to the frying pan! Right am going to try and not play his game and leave it to him. Will only offer support if he really wants it. Watch this space!!!!!!

OK, gang have arrived home so better offer some parenting support for fear of being a crap wife and mother for going out all morning at LL! Plus Olivia has another party to get ready for.

May see you later xxx