REFOCUS DAY 3 - I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!

STRESS, STRESS, EMOTIONS, STRESS, DEMANDS, MORE STRESS & DEALING WITH OTHERS EMOTIONS!

Today I could describe as a stinker. I did get up an hour earlier to finish my emails which I felt was time well spent. I seem to be entering the Feel Awake In The Morning Chapter of LL which is a bonus. First emotion was when I asked if Hubby could take girls to Nursery as wanted to finish my tasks, plus I had a meeting first thing nearer home than work, so may as well go straight there. I was immediately faced with one of his FACES and no ANSWER. I repeated my request and he reluctantly said yes. I then went into a whirl of .....'Tell you what, I will feel guilty for asking the children's father to take some part in childcare shall I', or words to that effect. How Bloody dare he. I actually felt good that I said my piece and did not sit seething and dwelling on the whole matter which hubby would be completely oblivious to anyway.

I also felt a big rush of ..... 'I'm Back' (which translates as not apologising for being me, my opinions or existence).

First rung of the emotions dealt with.

Next were back in the work zone.

Won't bore you with the whole sagas but today had to deal with more excuses for something not done AGAIN from one member of staff, tears, failed relationships, a procession of staff wanting to talk about everything under the sun with no break even for a wee most of the time, passing the buck of their own work responsibilities (to me generally - Have people not heard of personal responsibility for their own work?), Having to meet with my boss to discuss a complaint about the said staff not doing work, and still others were trying to shoe horn in my attendance at meetings/conversations about triv.

I would normally make my way over to some food establishment to help me get through the day. Of course I would also have pre-ordered in my head what takeaway I would be having once children in bed (mainly so I could eat to myself!!!) and goes without saying the wine or even a can of sweet cider would be opened as soon as I had finished tucking the last child in.

When I look back at these poor coping mechanism, it looks so dam stupid that I resorted to this. It would not resolve the work stuff, just numb the pain for that evening.

What I actually did today was go about my day very busy, but with humour about how popular I had been today and still manged to get my job done. I don't feel guilty or emotionally empty as I normally would. I am not feeling hurt by my hubbys reaction or staff attempting to blame me as the reason they had not met their deadlines. If only I could always cope like this. Don't get me wrong food did cross my mind, but when you are abstinence it's not an option.

I found it much harder to deal with when eating. I could convince myself that my food choices were good when actually they were quite poor. Worse I would convince myself that my good food choices were bad!!!! I would then feel bad and if I could not snap out of it go on to make poor food choices for the rest of the day/week/month as to reinforce how poor the original choice was.

Achievements -

1. 2 packs so far, and for first time tried a savoury soup pack - very nice and satisfied my hunger until later;
2. Dealt with some triggers on mass;
3. writing BLOG at reasonable time again;
4. Am nearly day 3 down and hope to be in ketosis soon;
5. Can see how silly abusing my body with food after a hard day numbs things only.

Symptoms -

Apart from a few occasions when felt hungry, felt good. As said above woke earlier then my alarm and felt quite refreshed. No headache and feel my skin looks quite clear, although the odd break out. Even they seemed to disappear quite quickly. However forgot how much weeing involved and so up even in the night to empty my bladder.

Final Thoughts -

As I looked through an old LL magazine, I re-read some of the success stories. I always like the ones where the women are my height and had similar amounts to lose. I read one who had lost 4st 2lbs in 3 months. It suddenly dawned on me that although I have put some weight back on, if I didn't cheat, drank plenty of water and got my finger out ... I could get this cracked in 6 weeks. It made me feel positive again so hope I have a good loss Thursdays.

See Ya

Sam xx

REFOCUS DAY 2 - DEALING WITH STRESS.

At the time of 8.30pm I am shattered

but feel I have achieved something.

Back at work today, feeling apprehensive about all the outstanding stuff which is still calling my name and feeling like I must be the worst manager in the world (despite knowing some of the worst managers around and really knowing I am not!).

I managed to leave by lunchtime as planned to have half a day study time, although I only manged 30 mins completing a E-Activity. I did however do more work admin like a very busy little bee and can see more of the wood for the trees. Instead of having 5 different to do list with various dates and various contents, I have a book with all the tasks in organised by type of task. How long have I wanted to sort this out? It's just having the uninterrupted time. I have even knocked a few task of the list which I was avoiding for some reason which were quite quick to do. I still have many thing to do, but hey ... Rome was not built in a day.

After collected Children from nursery, entertained them and put them in bed, I did a bit more admin. I know I am unlikely to never have anything outstanding but I just want to get to a point that all my work is in order, I know the deadlines and I no longer have piles of paper which do not make sense. My last job of order is to read my ever increasing emails and add any tasks to the said lists. Too tired to do that now, plus wanted to write my BLOG. Therefore decided to get up earlier Tuesday and finish the job once and for all.

Observations Today -
I noticed when children a little challenging or had to deal with a work issue which I perceived as stressful, I found myself feeling 'empty' and wanting to console myself with food. Luckily I was alert enough not to enter the kitchen on auto pilot and let the good toast time roll. After I ignored it, got on with the job ... the feeling eventually went away.

Have had two packs so far, and ready and hungry for another. Think will have an old faithful .... Chicken stuffing with plenty of Tabasco sauce. This Will certainly help me get the last litre of water drunk.

Pop In with LLC -
Unfortunately could not get at the times she was free, so had a quick chat on phone and told her had a BLIP but back on track. I will wait for my first weigh in Thursday rather than try to pop in Tuesday. I did however do my own weigh on scales at home. I think have lost 2kg so far. Not bad after the naughty takeaway on Saturday.

Achievements -

1. Stuck to packs, no cheats;
2. On track to drink 4 litres of water;
3. Black coffee only;
4. Pleased finally getting to grips with Admin and in turn I will feel in control of it, rather than other way around;
5. Did my course E-Activity and responded to some letters regarding it;
6. Colleague showed me her now heavily stocked draw full of biscuits, choc, variety of teas, you name it. As ever she offered me anything and I said no. I realise I meant it and was not wrestling with my inner Food Monster.

OK, am off to bed with my pack and a book. I might just do this, again!

Sam

DAY 1 - REFOCUS MARK II?

Well it's finally time to be an adult and put the cookies (an addiction I have discovered)/takeaways/toast and anything else calling my name, and get back into my HAPPY ZONE.

Sadly I did have a takeaway, but you know what? It was not half as tasty as I imagined it would be and I felt full after what was probably quite a healthy starter. Back in the real world I should of said " I enjoyed the starter, but now I am full and do not want to be writhing around in agony as I have over stretched my stomach". OK, maybe too much detail but you get the point.

Moving on ..... I knew last night I wanted to make a real go of this, and woke this morning feeling the same way.

Before the children stirred I grabbed myself a large glass of water and set some goals to get me through today. These were:

1. Have 4 litres of water. To ensure that I drink enough, I measured this amount and have been drinking from it all day;
2. Have x4 packs, trying to avoid a bar to speed up ketosis;
3. Black tea/coffee only
4. Take my vitamin pills
5. Tackle my work list for next week and feel organised instead of out of control for Monday.

1-4 are in the bag, but not done 5. However have read and completed a whole study session on course one, and printed some material to read for course two. Therefore have managed a lot, but still have the work thing hanging over me. Apart from getting my bag ready for work, am not going to do it now and will have to make some time Monday for it.

Symptoms -

Woke with a dull head, probably down to the glass of wine last night!!!! Mostly through the day been OK but headache seems to of taken hold and I did have a really empty feeling mid afternoon. I made myself a black coffee and half a choc pack into a mouse while the girls and I watched a few videos from High School Musical. I think I love it more than them and just find it evokes so many happy emotions. Yes I know I am a grown women.

Achievements -

1. Set some goals with acknowledgement need to do one day at a time
2. Had a few trigger moments when wanted to avoid childcare and would normally eat to placate my stress of yet another child bored;
3. Made Children a number of meals/snacks and did not have any - despite left overs;
4. Completed some of my studying and realise although both assignments due in at same time, think may just pull it off;
5. Have washed everybody clothes, sorted out children's outfits for Monday and decided to be kind to myself and will put them away another day.
6. Am writing my BLOG at a reasonable hour and still have some time for me.

I know I still have a few hours to go before bed time, but feel in control and know have pack and half to go. Must admit starting to feel hunger pangs again. Will test myself and sort Hubby's dinner out before I retire to my chamber and look at a few magazines. Hey I may even be able to add getting a full nights sleep to my list of achievements. Can't remember the last time.

Thanks for the support, blimey I need it right now.

Night Night all,

Sam xx

REFOCUS DAY 2 - OK, WHO HAS TAKEN MY WAGON?

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sick of this, or should I say myself?

Day 2, and my day started with such promise.

A vanilla coffee pack for breakfast, a soup for dinner and then a potato coquette that nobody wanted. This then spread into a toast spree. Before I knew it I had convinced the youngest daughter to join me for a trip to the shops under the guise of getting some emergency supplies. However I knew I would end up in Greggs getting a bun of some description!!!!!!

Mission accomplished, bun eaten and now looking for more food. Maybe I should of been a bear and am simply getting ready for hibernation?

How on earth am I going to sort my life out?

The simplistic answer to all this is that I no longer want to be slim anymore, so therefore do not have the drive and enthusiasm to sustain me.

However I do want to be slim, but I must admit want it without having to put the effort in.

I am really busy at the moment due to work, children, projects and x2 courses. However I know these are stressful and have triggers within them BUT .... I am still going to undertake all these things whether I have x4 packs a day or comfort myself with food.

I also have to admit more recently the toast and other fixes have not even comforted me, and in actual fact I have felt uncomfortably full and not enjoyed them even for the split second of dining at the table of binge.

The more I continue the more I know I have addiction written all over me. I keep trying to tell myself having a food addiction is not a better option than being an alcoholic. It is still no good for my body, mind or purse.

So how do I get out of this hole? I know I don't like being overweight, but let's face it I didn't like it for 20+ years but I still was on/off.

Does this mean I have to wait another 20 years for the planets to align and I have the dogged determination to do it again??

Already I am thinking about what I could eat tonight from one of the takeaway establishments and telling myself I'll start from Sunday morning and all will be different and right in the world. I know, classic addiction behaviour but I just don't know what to do.

May well be back later for more moaning

Sam xx

REFOCUS DAY 1 - BACK TO BASICS!!!!!

Here I am, sadly more than a few pound heavier,

but finally motivated to do something about it.

I have realised how much I missed my BLOG and this community. Ultimately I believed I could go it alone, and did alright until 8 December 2007. Then I allowed a minor & insignificant disappointment to escalate into my old binge habits.

So I'm back at a weight of 72.9kg.

My lowest in August 2007 was 60.5kg.

After all that has been written, reflected upon and some of the real food challenges I have been through, I am gutted I could allow myself to put on weight. However the weight is one thing, but it's how I feel about myself, life and the future which I want to sort out.

As we know when we are in the ZONE the ability to have a half full glass is generally easy. I miss being BALANCED and more EVEN. I like being in CONTROL of my life. As a grown women, not being able to have a healthy relationship with food is something I will address in 2008.

Last night I joined a Development group and met a nice bunch of women. My LLC was really motivating and she was very clear whether we stay on the straight and narrow or not is our personal responsibility and nobody else's.

There was a women there who had put on weight too and seemed to be going through some of the same struggles. She talked about feeling fantastic when she lost weight and got to goal and how she had tried to get back into ketosis on the packs but would fall of the wagon after a day or so. This has been my experience too but instead I just listened this week. I was a little out of my comfort zone as a new set of people.

Anyway we have all agreed to do a POP-IN Monday to keep us on track until our meeting later in the week. Clearly the support was more effective than I gave it credit for. By then I should be in the pink and back to a wee wee on a stick.

Well, I have done it. I have written in my BLOG and look forward to visiting you all to see how you are. Thank you all so very much for you interest and supportive comments. I am glad to be back, but have to admit probably delayed a return for fear of feeling like such a failure and telling you how it's been.

I should of know better we are all friends together here and anyway it's time to move on and get back into my Jeans!

Take Care one and all, hope you are all still out there doing your best

Lots of Love and positive vibes

Sam xxx