To cut a very long set of thoughts short, I asked David if he thought it would ruin my hard work if I ate something?
Previously I have had this as an internal dialogue, but have never let my guard down and vocalised that to him. He offered some brief sensible advice but to be honest he tried to move the situation on and not dwell on it. He also made himself a cheese sandwich for his evening meal instead of either ordering form the takeaway or cooking something which I felt was a good move for me. I then made a pack and happily ate that. I had this conversation while I emptied a couple of food cupboard of out of date food (including x5 bags of different flours all out of date ... our bread maker is now redundant!).
For the last few days been thinking about food and how I want us all to eat as a family. I found myself watching one of the shopping channels that was showcasing 'THE NICER DICER'. I was hooked. For anybody who has not seen one, it basically chops fruit, veg, cheese, you name it in two different sizes without mess. It showed you how to make a great salsa and was using lovely fresh produce. It was for sale at the obscene price of £37 once you had added the postage. I liked it, but not that much. I just imagined when I am back into food how brill it would be to quickly make a variety of salads. I think since I have got further into the program I have relaxed a bit more around food whether that's watching cooking on the TV, looking at recipes in magazines etc. Maybe this has added to my interest in food.
That said, apart from verbalising eating with David, It has never been an option to eat, even if I may of fantasied about it from time to time. I have come too far, and In my thought record have told myself if I was going to eat, it would be a planned special occasion and not some random day eating something ill advised and substandard.
While on the food subject, David, Ella and I went to McDonald's after we dropped Olivia at yet another party, and it was too far to go home. David had not eaten, so had a meal, Ella had some fruit and a drink, and you've guessed it I had a black coffee and a few bites of a bar. I began to think about a typical Saturday prior to LL. I may well of managed a decent breakfast of porridge made with soya milk, fresh blueberries & natural yogurt on the top. That's if I'd not gone down the buttery toast and sweet tea route! I would of had a quarter pounder with cheese meal, chips and strawberry milkshake. Filled self up with snacks until children gone to bed and then shared a takeaway with David, lets say an Indian meal (the works) and eaten about 9pm. Two takeaways in one day, neither a healthy choice and lets not forget alcohol.
While remembering this typical day, I got a sudden pang of being frightened. I was not sure if this was because I could no longer act like this when I return to food, or because I was starting to dream of future Saturday nights once off the packs. Was the latter reason showing I was heading for a slippery slope, and actually I had not learnt anything over the last weeks? Could I manage my food forever? will I eventually give up and be fat again?
I decided to get my Foundation book out as not looked at it for a while or done any exercises. I had not got my head around Thought Records, so read about them, and committed to doing one every night to get me focused.
On a positive note I have not eaten anything, at least I am dreaming of healthy meals and am still aware food is a danger for me.
I will succeed at this and I just need to remember how GOOD it feels to receive compliments, forever changing clothes size, and looking normal.
This Year I have many things to look forward to, here are some of them ........
- Holiday in August
- Christmas family gathering 2007, most of them will not of seen me since last year
- Seeing my Gran and friends who have not seen me since I started he diet
- Getting to goal weight of 9st something
- Proving those silly crooked thoughts and doubters wrong
PS ..... I eventually ordered a NICER DICER off Ebay for £12 delivered! I will be making Salads galore for David as soon as it arrives!
http://www.bestdirect.tv/product-Nicer-Dicer--Free-Perfect-Peeler-BDA07641.htm
1 comment:
Just a quick note here, Sam, as I'm on catch-up with your blog, but I really think what you're going through at the moment regards food is natural. I did exactly the same thing myself. Fantasised and worried that once I started eating, would I be able to stop, and would I put all the weight on again. I'm sure you won't, there's commitment here with this diet. You've lasted this long. You're not going to let yourself down.
Chris x
Post a Comment