Enough Is Enough .. The Road To My Lighter Life

Day ? Mid-Life Crisis Anyone?

2008-05-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

Where have I been, yes you've guessed it ........ Eating!!!!!

Things seemed to of got to a head at the end of last week when I felt so so low. I am unsure if this is because people keep asking me if I am alright and telling me I don't look happy. To be honest it is only certain people and I have kept shrugging it off, and even said I thought I was OK!!!

The battle between eating freely - being fat or Lighter Light - being slim and all the other options we are told or make up for ourselves was quite frankly getting me down, but not it seemed enough to stop me losing a few pounds then putting it back on.

Also my course has really touched me at different times and I am unsure if this is just the process and somewhere at the end, or is it a continuum, I will better for it (which I hope). However I also have to consider the possibility that perhaps all these years of thinking about the whys and where fores may not actually be that helpful?

I asked my hubby what he thought of my latest enquiries (more of that in a minute). The man of few words said something which I have translated as I am basically fine as I am, and why question and analyse everything. In that some things do not need an answer. The more I tried to explain that I eat toast until I feel numb inside so I can no longer feel stress and uncomfortable feelings did not help him see what an earth I am talking about. After all, why an earth should he as it's so bloody irrational isn't it? I ended up wondering if I am indeed one of the new generation of THE WORRIED WELL, a HYPOCHONDRIAC and just going through some MID-LIFE CRISIS? I reasoned with myself all that was missing was a holiday booking to go mountain climbing, a deposit on some form of sports car and perhaps a little surgery.

Anyway, while alone at home last week in my low mood I found myself looking at counselling (I have been kicking against this for a while). Some are just numbers and where they are based others tell you what they specialise in. I found two which I phoned. I eventually plucked up the courage to leave a message with one who later phoned me back. Her advert mentioned weight management, confidence & self esteem (amongst other areas). She is a psychotherapist and seems to work with a range of tools including hypnotherapy, life coaching etc etc. I did not tell her what I am studying and let her just talk about her work and was pleased to hear what she said seemed to fit in with what I have read about the counselling process.

She said I can't tell you how many sessions somebody needs as it depends upon what the issues are. I sort of implied I knew why I overate and she said that sometimes we think we know or even remember one version of events from our past but after further digging may be slightly different. She also talked generally to give me examples of how she works and some reasons why people request this type of support. She mentioned loss and not grieving ........ I had to just listen on the phone because if I had talked she would of heard the lump in my throat.

I have an appointment tomorrow and feel a strange sort of excitement about going. I so much want to get to the bottom of and resolve my overeating. I thought LL had the answer and to a great extent it did. I am aware of much more and can talk about my triggers but it is not enough to know I eat certain types of food until I feel numb. I want to stop it and be NORMAL. I also want to find out if I am just a fat bird who wants her cake and eat it. I think this was what my hubby was trying to say and to some extent I can see why he and others would come to such a conclusion.

I will let you now how I get on. As my online chums, what do you think? Have I now sailed into an even darker place and kidding myself there is a cure?

I am going to look at your BLOGS now

Sam xx

Day 6 - Some Progress?

2008-05-19T12:08:00.000-07:00

Had a day off today and mooched around town. I keep thinking I have to do something, usually work, but have to remind myself that I am allowed to sit in bed all day if I want to ...... it is my time. I had a acupuncture appointment in the morning and then went to the university Library to get some books about the counselling course. Thought while I am really interested, I ought to channel my energy into it. Bedtime reading tonight will be THE NO-NONSENSE GUIDE TO SEXUAL DIVERSITY by Vanessa Baird. I'm not sure if hubby looks excited or worried about what I may read about!

Did well pack wise until about 4pm when became really hungry. I should of had a pack, but I was out without anymore so I found myself in Tesco Express. I wanted some tea, but looked at the sandwiches, sushi, chicken salads. I eventually settled on grilled chicken, bag of salad, holumi and a box of Lady Grey. I am pleased to report I convinced myself that it was not a good idea to buy a muffin/cookie and went home to make a nice salad with the ingredients. Brill.

I then collected the girls and kept picking at the holumi. A friend came round and husband offered biscuits. I had x4 and then picked holumi and biscuits each time I walked about. I have just finished a healthy salad, roast squash and a grilled pork chop. I am pleased with the meal, but feel I am on the hunt for more food. You are right Lesley, bending the rules came make things more difficult even if in the dim and distant past what I have eaten today would of been a good day.

A Positive Change -
I looked through some of my old notes and the route to management book I used last year when food is introduced. I read a section about lapses and reasons we give to excuse eating. One of mine was I hated waste. I would hoover up left overs and either eat there and then or put in fridge and eat throughout the evening. If we had a takeaway I would serve the food out and make sure I had more and of course I could not waste any of that too. I have realised that this behaviour has really settled down and I no longer do this. Yes I still hate waste (a message from my mother who had to be careful due to war time rations and not having much spare cash) so I either cook what is needed to prevent waste in first place, or if appropriate save a portion for a mini meal the next day ...... the bit that works for me is knowing I can have it or somebody will eat it so it won't go to waste. I also noticed that I no longer break out in a cold sweat if there is food left over, not worth saving when my children and hubby throw it in the bin. Most of the time I can walk past the kids plates and not take anything. I even throw food a away myself.

AM I CURED?

Seriously, it may not be much to somebody else, but this issue alone is one I have battled with for years and needs to be acknowledged. Yes I still have a way to go, but am getting better.

I hope I am not kidding myself on this front and wonder MRS if you thought I had changed for the better or worse in your comment yesterday? I took it as a positive.

I am really tired now, so going to go to be and make a start on my reading.

Samxx

Day 5 - Did I Make A Sensible Choice?

2008-05-17T22:49:00.000-07:00

Can it all be down to a lemon?

Hi Paula, really good to hear from you. Keep posting so can see how you are getting on. Thanks for having a look.

PART ONE (7AM) -

Yesterday had a good day at my course as we began to look at child and adult attachment theory in particular related to counselling couples. We did a number of exercises to help us work out our own attachments as well as look at how our early experiences can affect clients and what values we as counsellors take into the counselling session.

One exercise involved another women and I discussing 'Healthy Protest' which is looking at anger and assertiveness. We had to discuss with each the following:

As a child -

What happened when you felt upset or cross?
Who took these feelings seriously and listened to you?
Did you have temper tantrums? Is so, what provoked them?
Were you able to say "no" to things you didn't want?
Could you ask for what you wanted and expected at least to be listened to?

Now (as an adult) -

Describe an incident in which you felt angry. What happened? What did you do?
If a friend or your partner does something to upset you, how do you react? (overt anger, rage, sulking, go quiet, secret revenge, feel miserable and do nothing etc)
Are you able to ask for what you want from those closest to you?
How do you handle it when you feel let down, rejected or abandoned?
Has aggression ever caused major problems for you? (broken relationships, police involvement, difficulty at work)
Do you ever feel put upon, used, abused or taken for granted by others, particularly those close to you?

These questions are from BABI brief attachment-based intervention. As well as covering this they also have questions around fun & exploration, secure base, loss and others.

Firstly, I was initially out of my comfort zone as although myself and the other women are pleasant to each other on the course, we haven't worked together before (I think she felt the same way too). Anyway, we both engaged well in the process and found we had some similarities.

As a child I shared I was unable to say no, but couldn't think of any times I needed to say no (apart from those teenage years) and never had temper tantrums. I thought my feelings were taken seriously, if I shared them but I seem to remember I never really had to ask for what I wanted. That said love and cuddles were freely available, and I was certainly never rebuffed from any of my family. We were very tactile and most of the evening I would be sat with one arm on my mum, the other bit that could reach touching my dad. (tears now stinging my eyes and can't see keyboard as such happy times).

As an adult I made quite a distinction between 'before' (I assume LL journey and the point leading up to it when you start to see your life or the desire to have it slot into place). I guess the second part of the exercise demonstrated I do feel put upon, taken for granted and when somebody upsets me I can go quiet, feel miserable and do nothing. I don't always ask for what I want. Clearly I also EAT too when I feel like this.

My observations of doing this exercise were many, and I felt so interested and engaged as I have come half way through this course now. As I was telling my work partner how I react to anger and she agreed she acted similarly I was telling myself, there is no way I am like her ... I'm no victim. I also felt like a fraud telling her I am unassertive, never ask for what I want and am taken for granted. I had this overwhelming feeling/thought that this is what I have told myself, but the evidence was to the contrary. I do have examples where staff, partner, friends etc have taken the Piste, but I equally have examples where I have said no to people. Maybe I am mixing up the raw emotion which goes on for me when I agonise about saying no because I don't want to let others down? When I have shared with friends how unassertive and full of self doubt I sometimes feel, they are amazed. They tell me how confident I can come across and had no idea I felt like that.

So what is all this telling me?

For sure, I am no victim ..... but I have to admit in some situations I allow myself to be and then moan about how unassertive I am and guess who is taking the Piste now! Also maybe I take my mishaps or unassertive moments out of proportion and perhaps they are only a small part of my life compared to the positives?

PART TWO (9pm)-

Home form today's sessions on the course, even more emotional but I feel in a positive way. Won't bore you with it. The learning point for me is that I do have a good life, great coping mechanism which I have learnt from my experiences and a desire to be the best I can be. Yes I have a few issues about wanting to be perfect and guilt about letting others down, but at least I am aware of this. I think I don't give myself enough credit for what I have and do deal with, always firstly thinking others are better. On the whole i have an internal dialogue which I probably don't always show to others so I must keep a lid on the negative stiff most of the time.

Yes I want to stop eating for no hunger reasons, but we talked about people reverting to their original coping mechanise/attachment style when under stress. I am simply doing that I assume, and am doing it less than I used to. For today I will take that as a positive.

Back to LL -

Last night I had a planned chicken and lamb Kebab, loads of salad and gave the pitta to hubby. We sat at the table, talked and I noticed my eating rather than wolf it down. I also said no to the wine. This morning fair to say was gutted when weighed 11st 8 1/2lbs as only had one pack and a half yesterday!

Today so far had first bar for brekkie and half a chicken soup mixed with a savoury soup. Not felt hungry, although sometimes fancied food today so must be in ketosis. Have just declined a portion of family sized Lemon Meringue Pie from husband, and trying to work out if have salad and protein or go to bed with a choc pack made into a mouse?

Either way, I am not kidding myself I am abstinent, but I think am doing well.

Night Night

Sam xxx

PS -if you fancy checking out your relationship attachment style, here is one of the questionnaires that can be found online: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

Day 4 - What's The Damage?

2008-05-16T23:12:00.000-07:00

The Damage Is Not That Bad!!!

I have just weighed, and unbelievably I have stayed the same. On the way to bed last night I swiped a few chunks of roasted Butternut and then went to bed. On a positive note my binge did not leap into a glass of Rose or even a takeaway. Also on a positive I did BLOG honestly, told my husband when he came home and of course was honest with myself. I think you are right about my reward system and the need to put it behind me. After putting on weight since December fairly consistently, a good loss like that makes me of course feel happy, but also feel I want to congratulate myself. How stupid that I feel food rewards are the answer.

That said, I live another day and do not feel like giving up. May well of knocked ketosis out now so must be prepared that could be hungry during today.

This weekend I am at my monthly counselling training so early start to travel there and home about 6pm. We have just completed Systemic and this weekend will start Pschodynamic. For the past few sessions I have had a large meal with the group at lunchtime, however this weekend will be back to basics with a soup pack and a bar at breaks. I don't anticipate any problems during the day, just hope I can hold it together when come home. I will just have to log on to prevent any silly binge and stay positive. May also have our second assignment returned today????? I did pass the first and was pleased with the mark, but will just have to wait and see.

See you later, keep up the good work

Sam xx

Stats as promised:

Wednesday - 14/05/2008 76.7kg/12st 1lbs

Thursday - 15/05/2008 74.9kg/11st 11 1/4lbs

Friday & Saturday 73.5kg/11st 8lbs

Day 3 - I Hate Evil Carbs!!!!

2008-05-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

Can you believe I have eaten?

In summary, get on the scales this morning and worked out lost about 7lbs since started on Wednesday. Brill, feel trim, clothes bit baggy, even enjoying trying on clothes at home.

Get through some challenging situations/thoughts and when I arrive home at approx 5.30pm with the girls ........ I allow myself to dream about some little white cobs I bought for them.

I eventually give in to:
- 4 slices of toast, marmalade and cheese;
- 5 mini cobs, more cheese, marg and raw onion

and now I sit here wondering whether to have a glass of Rose as it's sat open in the fridge. Plus forgot to mention I have roasted a butternut squash with red onion (luckily healthy with no fat) which even though my tum feels bloated, I am sure will eat some later.

The thing is I had this strong urge to eat (not sure why at minute) and could of got the girls dinner on the go and logged on. Instead I allowed myself to fail. Why? Last time I lost 9lbs in 4/5 days back in February I think. Had a great LL group session, then went home and convinced myself due to the weight loss I could eat something. Hence fell of the wagon and took until now to actually do two and a half solid days.

I now feel like crap, don't feel positive about life/me and just feel like a failure.

However I think no matter what I do/eat, I must keep the BLOG going. As I began to eat I told myself I didn't have to log on and tell you what I had done, but what use is that to me. I need to be honest with myself, and when I look at the above carb fest I realise that it was excessive. who eats 9 bread products in less than an hour?

Dread the scales Saturday morning. At least when you do LL and follow the rules you are guaranteed to have a loss most days if not all. I will do my stats from day one Saturday to show you the damage I have caused.

Bye for now, time to put the girls in bed who keep pushing for more and more playtime before bed!

Sam xx

Day 2 - I Told A Lie!

2008-05-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

Had a good day in that I have not cheated, and felt less stress and panic about trying to stop myself going to the food establishments. I had arranged to meet a friend at lunchtime who knows I am back on the straight and narrow, but never knew explicitly how I originally lost the weight in the first place! Anyway while I had a lovely large black coffee she had a snack. This was all fine and I had no urge to take it from her (occasionally I told myself, I can join her next time so don't feel deprived). Eventually we talked about our health amongst other things and she quizzed me on what I have eaten today. I told her I had seedy toast, marmite, scrambled egg and grilled tomato. She looked impressed. I then reassured her I would have some soup when got back to work, and a nice piece of salmon and salad tonight.

I noticed two things from this situation
1. It's nobodies business whether I chose to share LL or not, but that doesn't make me feel ashamed of it; and
2. Why do I eat such rubbish or too much of it at times when I could of eaten this fictional menu today plus fruity snacks and maintained my lower weight?????

Today also manged to negotiate not eating a readily available biscuit or 5 when everybody else was diving into the tub. I also managed not to dwell on negativity when I popped in Next and Top Shop to have a look at clothes. It is always in my mind that at my low weight I could pick and choose what I wanted in all sorts of shops. Now when I am in shops I feel disappointed I have to go through this again and buy bigger clothes. Instead of the excitement I felt at trying on new sizes as they always reduced as the diet went on, this time around it has lost it's appeal. I did buy some sandals and a nice summer skirt for work (sizes 14 and 12), so hopefully when back in the office next week I feel pretty and not a fat lump.

Today I had a shake for breakfast, and a veg soup split into two meals. I am trying to pace myself so I don't get to the end of the day after work without any packs. I have not had a bar again as I believe this helps getting into ketosis. I have had at least 3 litres of water again, and working towards the 4 litres.

Already I feel slimmer and more in control/measured, and long may it last.

Will retire now, and try and do something constructive with my evening

Sam xx

Day 1 - Return to Abstinence?

2008-05-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

Abstinence Here I come!

Well it's 8pm and so far so good I have not cheated. I think I have had at least 3 litres of water, One and a half packs and a savoury soup. It is fair to say am starving now and wondering what packs to have tonight.

Had a few touch and go moments when I saw the daily food trolly arrive at work, and I told myself one litle something won't hurt! Also during a meeting today I felt tired & bored and my mind flicked to how food could be my reward when I get through it.

I am glad I have not given in as each 'failure' makes it harder to convince me I can do abstinece again. Already I feel knowing I will write my BLOG and we are in this together (well done on 2 days down Lesley), I must try that bit harder and not run to food to numb my feelings.

Over this last binge period I have realised that as well as eating because my emotions are all over the place that tiredness can play a part too. A few ocassions I noticed (but sadly still ate) that when I am tired I believe food will nurture me and make me feel better. Why I can't go to bed or make a mental note to get an earlier night if during the day alludes me. I suppose the quick fix/high from a carb kicks in, so in some respects the tiredness has been resolved at least for a short period.

The girls have found a game on a childrens web site: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/grownups/familytime/games/teatime_racers.shtml.
In essence you have a number of foods and drinks which tell you about themselves like apples, bread, chips, fizzy drinks etc. You then pick which foods you want in your relay team and watch them run around the kitchen. The obvious healthy foods have long-lasting energy and can run and jump over the course. The others like chips and co lumber along or have a fast spurt but soon run out of puff. I thought it was a good visual to remind me about the types of food I am putting in my body.

Well, I have just made a chicken pack as a stuffing and am ready with a large glass of water and tobasco. I will get through today and feel stronger for Day 2.

Night Folks,

Sam xxx

Hello There?

2008-05-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks,

long time no write and I hope you are all well. I didn't realise how long I had not been on, mainly as I was far too scarred/ashamed blah blah to get my bigger backside back in the BLOG saddle.

I have just read Mrs, Lesley and Cath's latest posts before even wanting to look at mine, and I have realised and I think accepted one thing tonight.....

As much as I class myself as a self sufficient and independent person, I finally have to accept I can't do this on my own, which lets face it is why the group support online and in the LL groups worked so well for me.

As soon as I feel competent in an area of my life, I relax, maintain the momentum for a while then usually quite rapidly fall under the wheel of my wagon!!!!! Why can't I just accept that their is nothing to be ashamed about sounding things out with friends and using their support

Maybe more on that another time.

I want to remain positive (takes another sips of Rose = new addiction!).

For the first time in months I have felt a pang of excitement and can feel a challenge coming on? I have just noticed on Lesley's Blog that she has set herself 14 days to stick to her plan, including exercise. I thought perhaps I could join you on this 14 day quest and wonder if there is anybody else out there who wants a kick start back on the road to freedom?

I will post my vital stats too, and commit to the following for 14 days -

1. From Wednesday 14/05/2008 I will return to LL packs (x4 a day)
2. At least 4 litres of water
3. Minimum one fitness class/gym per week for one hour
4. I will get weighed, not sure if going to stay for a group, twice during the 14 days
5. Post on my BLOG every day, even if it's short to say HI

OK, I am going to start small and hopefully build up to more things when the control and happiness kicks in.

See you Wednesday

Sam xxx

REFOCUS DAY 3 - I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!

2008-02-26T19:21:00.000-08:00

STRESS, STRESS, EMOTIONS, STRESS, DEMANDS, MORE STRESS & DEALING WITH OTHERS EMOTIONS!

Today I could describe as a stinker. I did get up an hour earlier to finish my emails which I felt was time well spent. I seem to be entering the Feel Awake In The Morning Chapter of LL which is a bonus. First emotion was when I asked if Hubby could take girls to Nursery as wanted to finish my tasks, plus I had a meeting first thing nearer home than work, so may as well go straight there. I was immediately faced with one of his FACES and no ANSWER. I repeated my request and he reluctantly said yes. I then went into a whirl of .....'Tell you what, I will feel guilty for asking the children's father to take some part in childcare shall I', or words to that effect. How Bloody dare he. I actually felt good that I said my piece and did not sit seething and dwelling on the whole matter which hubby would be completely oblivious to anyway.

I also felt a big rush of ..... 'I'm Back' (which translates as not apologising for being me, my opinions or existence).

First rung of the emotions dealt with.

Next were back in the work zone.

Won't bore you with the whole sagas but today had to deal with more excuses for something not done AGAIN from one member of staff, tears, failed relationships, a procession of staff wanting to talk about everything under the sun with no break even for a wee most of the time, passing the buck of their own work responsibilities (to me generally - Have people not heard of personal responsibility for their own work?), Having to meet with my boss to discuss a complaint about the said staff not doing work, and still others were trying to shoe horn in my attendance at meetings/conversations about triv.

I would normally make my way over to some food establishment to help me get through the day. Of course I would also have pre-ordered in my head what takeaway I would be having once children in bed (mainly so I could eat to myself!!!) and goes without saying the wine or even a can of sweet cider would be opened as soon as I had finished tucking the last child in.

When I look back at these poor coping mechanism, it looks so dam stupid that I resorted to this. It would not resolve the work stuff, just numb the pain for that evening.

What I actually did today was go about my day very busy, but with humour about how popular I had been today and still manged to get my job done. I don't feel guilty or emotionally empty as I normally would. I am not feeling hurt by my hubbys reaction or staff attempting to blame me as the reason they had not met their deadlines. If only I could always cope like this. Don't get me wrong food did cross my mind, but when you are abstinence it's not an option.

I found it much harder to deal with when eating. I could convince myself that my food choices were good when actually they were quite poor. Worse I would convince myself that my good food choices were bad!!!! I would then feel bad and if I could not snap out of it go on to make poor food choices for the rest of the day/week/month as to reinforce how poor the original choice was.

Achievements -

2 packs so far, and for first time tried a savoury soup pack - very nice and satisfied my hunger until later;
Dealt with some triggers on mass;
writing BLOG at reasonable time again;
Am nearly day 3 down and hope to be in ketosis soon;
Can see how silly abusing my body with food after a hard day numbs things only.

Symptoms -

Apart from a few occasions when felt hungry, felt good. As said above woke earlier then my alarm and felt quite refreshed. No headache and feel my skin looks quite clear, although the odd break out. Even they seemed to disappear quite quickly. However forgot how much weeing involved and so up even in the night to empty my bladder.

Final Thoughts -

As I looked through an old LL magazine, I re-read some of the success stories. I always like the ones where the women are my height and had similar amounts to lose. I read one who had lost 4st 2lbs in 3 months. It suddenly dawned on me that although I have put some weight back on, if I didn't cheat, drank plenty of water and got my finger out ... I could get this cracked in 6 weeks. It made me feel positive again so hope I have a good loss Thursdays.

See Ya

Sam xx

REFOCUS DAY 2 - DEALING WITH STRESS.

2008-02-25T21:48:00.000-08:00

At the time of 8.30pm I am shattered

but feel I have achieved something.

Back at work today, feeling apprehensive about all the outstanding stuff which is still calling my name and feeling like I must be the worst manager in the world (despite knowing some of the worst managers around and really knowing I am not!).

I managed to leave by lunchtime as planned to have half a day study time, although I only manged 30 mins completing a E-Activity. I did however do more work admin like a very busy little bee and can see more of the wood for the trees. Instead of having 5 different to do list with various dates and various contents, I have a book with all the tasks in organised by type of task. How long have I wanted to sort this out? It's just having the uninterrupted time. I have even knocked a few task of the list which I was avoiding for some reason which were quite quick to do. I still have many thing to do, but hey ... Rome was not built in a day.

After collected Children from nursery, entertained them and put them in bed, I did a bit more admin. I know I am unlikely to never have anything outstanding but I just want to get to a point that all my work is in order, I know the deadlines and I no longer have piles of paper which do not make sense. My last job of order is to read my ever increasing emails and add any tasks to the said lists. Too tired to do that now, plus wanted to write my BLOG. Therefore decided to get up earlier Tuesday and finish the job once and for all.

Observations Today -
I noticed when children a little challenging or had to deal with a work issue which I perceived as stressful, I found myself feeling 'empty' and wanting to console myself with food. Luckily I was alert enough not to enter the kitchen on auto pilot and let the good toast time roll. After I ignored it, got on with the job ... the feeling eventually went away.

Have had two packs so far, and ready and hungry for another. Think will have an old faithful .... Chicken stuffing with plenty of Tabasco sauce. This Will certainly help me get the last litre of water drunk.

Pop In with LLC -
Unfortunately could not get at the times she was free, so had a quick chat on phone and told her had a BLIP but back on track. I will wait for my first weigh in Thursday rather than try to pop in Tuesday. I did however do my own weigh on scales at home. I think have lost 2kg so far. Not bad after the naughty takeaway on Saturday.

Achievements -

Stuck to packs, no cheats;
On track to drink 4 litres of water;
Black coffee only;
Pleased finally getting to grips with Admin and in turn I will feel in control of it, rather than other way around;
Did my course E-Activity and responded to some letters regarding it;
Colleague showed me her now heavily stocked draw full of biscuits, choc, variety of teas, you name it. As ever she offered me anything and I said no. I realise I meant it and was not wrestling with my inner Food Monster.

OK, am off to bed with my pack and a book. I might just do this, again!

Sam

DAY 1 - REFOCUS MARK II?

2008-02-24T19:30:00.000-08:00

Well it's finally time to be an adult and put the cookies (an addiction I have discovered)/takeaways/toast and anything else calling my name, and get back into my HAPPY ZONE.

Sadly I did have a takeaway, but you know what? It was not half as tasty as I imagined it would be and I felt full after what was probably quite a healthy starter. Back in the real world I should of said " I enjoyed the starter, but now I am full and do not want to be writhing around in agony as I have over stretched my stomach". OK, maybe too much detail but you get the point.

Moving on ..... I knew last night I wanted to make a real go of this, and woke this morning feeling the same way.

Before the children stirred I grabbed myself a large glass of water and set some goals to get me through today. These were:

Have 4 litres of water. To ensure that I drink enough, I measured this amount and have been drinking from it all day;
Have x4 packs, trying to avoid a bar to speed up ketosis;
Black tea/coffee only
Take my vitamin pills
Tackle my work list for next week and feel organised instead of out of control for Monday.

1-4 are in the bag, but not done 5. However have read and completed a whole study session on course one, and printed some material to read for course two. Therefore have managed a lot, but still have the work thing hanging over me. Apart from getting my bag ready for work, am not going to do it now and will have to make some time Monday for it.

Symptoms -

Woke with a dull head, probably down to the glass of wine last night!!!! Mostly through the day been OK but headache seems to of taken hold and I did have a really empty feeling mid afternoon. I made myself a black coffee and half a choc pack into a mouse while the girls and I watched a few videos from High School Musical. I think I love it more than them and just find it evokes so many happy emotions. Yes I know I am a grown women.

Achievements -

Set some goals with acknowledgement need to do one day at a time
Had a few trigger moments when wanted to avoid childcare and would normally eat to placate my stress of yet another child bored;
Made Children a number of meals/snacks and did not have any - despite left overs;
Completed some of my studying and realise although both assignments due in at same time, think may just pull it off;
Have washed everybody clothes, sorted out children's outfits for Monday and decided to be kind to myself and will put them away another day.
Am writing my BLOG at a reasonable hour and still have some time for me.

I know I still have a few hours to go before bed time, but feel in control and know have pack and half to go. Must admit starting to feel hunger pangs again. Will test myself and sort Hubby's dinner out before I retire to my chamber and look at a few magazines. Hey I may even be able to add getting a full nights sleep to my list of achievements. Can't remember the last time.

Thanks for the support, blimey I need it right now.

Night Night all,

Sam xx

REFOCUS DAY 2 - OK, WHO HAS TAKEN MY WAGON?

2008-02-23T18:58:00.000-08:00

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sick of this, or should I say myself?

Day 2, and my day started with such promise.

A vanilla coffee pack for breakfast, a soup for dinner and then a potato coquette that nobody wanted. This then spread into a toast spree. Before I knew it I had convinced the youngest daughter to join me for a trip to the shops under the guise of getting some emergency supplies. However I knew I would end up in Greggs getting a bun of some description!!!!!!

Mission accomplished, bun eaten and now looking for more food. Maybe I should of been a bear and am simply getting ready for hibernation?

How on earth am I going to sort my life out?

The simplistic answer to all this is that I no longer want to be slim anymore, so therefore do not have the drive and enthusiasm to sustain me.

However I do want to be slim, but I must admit want it without having to put the effort in.

I am really busy at the moment due to work, children, projects and x2 courses. However I know these are stressful and have triggers within them BUT .... I am still going to undertake all these things whether I have x4 packs a day or comfort myself with food.

I also have to admit more recently the toast and other fixes have not even comforted me, and in actual fact I have felt uncomfortably full and not enjoyed them even for the split second of dining at the table of binge.

The more I continue the more I know I have addiction written all over me. I keep trying to tell myself having a food addiction is not a better option than being an alcoholic. It is still no good for my body, mind or purse.

So how do I get out of this hole? I know I don't like being overweight, but let's face it I didn't like it for 20+ years but I still was on/off.

Does this mean I have to wait another 20 years for the planets to align and I have the dogged determination to do it again??

Already I am thinking about what I could eat tonight from one of the takeaway establishments and telling myself I'll start from Sunday morning and all will be different and right in the world. I know, classic addiction behaviour but I just don't know what to do.

May well be back later for more moaning

Sam xx

REFOCUS DAY 1 - BACK TO BASICS!!!!!

2008-02-22T09:31:00.000-08:00

Here I am, sadly more than a few pound heavier,

but finally motivated to do something about it.

I have realised how much I missed my BLOG and this community. Ultimately I believed I could go it alone, and did alright until 8 December 2007. Then I allowed a minor & insignificant disappointment to escalate into my old binge habits.

So I'm back at a weight of 72.9kg.

My lowest in August 2007 was 60.5kg.

After all that has been written, reflected upon and some of the real food challenges I have been through, I am gutted I could allow myself to put on weight. However the weight is one thing, but it's how I feel about myself, life and the future which I want to sort out.

As we know when we are in the ZONE the ability to have a half full glass is generally easy. I miss being BALANCED and more EVEN. I like being in CONTROL of my life. As a grown women, not being able to have a healthy relationship with food is something I will address in 2008.

Last night I joined a Development group and met a nice bunch of women. My LLC was really motivating and she was very clear whether we stay on the straight and narrow or not is our personal responsibility and nobody else's.

There was a women there who had put on weight too and seemed to be going through some of the same struggles. She talked about feeling fantastic when she lost weight and got to goal and how she had tried to get back into ketosis on the packs but would fall of the wagon after a day or so. This has been my experience too but instead I just listened this week. I was a little out of my comfort zone as a new set of people.

Anyway we have all agreed to do a POP-IN Monday to keep us on track until our meeting later in the week. Clearly the support was more effective than I gave it credit for. By then I should be in the pink and back to a wee wee on a stick.

Well, I have done it. I have written in my BLOG and look forward to visiting you all to see how you are. Thank you all so very much for you interest and supportive comments. I am glad to be back, but have to admit probably delayed a return for fear of feeling like such a failure and telling you how it's been.

I should of know better we are all friends together here and anyway it's time to move on and get back into my Jeans!

Take Care one and all, hope you are all still out there doing your best

Lots of Love and positive vibes

Sam xxx

Day 115 - Back On Track!

2007-07-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

Well I did retire to my sleeping chamber with a veg pack & choc pudding and st Clement's custard. I drank more water and thumbed through my weight loss book to remind myself how much weight I had lost since 8th March!

62.3lbs

I am pleased I did not have even the healthy option, but must say although I was having an adult conversation with myself and David in a calm manner, it sort of felt like a scene playing from Jekyll and Hyde in my head and I was not sure at the begining who was going to win.

Reading the Management books made a lot of sense and the food choices were spot on for the types of things I would love to eat. At this stage my first protein on Management will be Salmon and it will be nice to be able to venture into a supermarket again and look at food knowing I can eat some of it.

I have even worked out that by week 5 alcohol will be introduced just in time for my holiday. The only thing well down the line I am potentially bothered about is cheese. I am not sat dreaming about it, but know there will be all types on the half board buffet in Spain. Will perhaps cross that bridge when come to it.

Today I have a pile of washing to do, then sort and put away and get everybody's school/nursery/work bags ready. Will try and get it done this morning so the girls and I can do something together. David will be working most of the day at the house.

OK, let me begin the challenge that is the clothing mountain.

Day 114 - The Struggle Which Is A Saturday Night!

2007-06-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

I have just had a mini debate with myself and husband about whether I was going to eat something from the local Take away!!!!!

Hubby is going to have an Indian Meal, and we discussed the pros and cons of me having maybe a chicken Tikka starter or something similar. I know would still be in Ketosis, have two packs left for the day so would limit the damage, but ......... I am only going to do one more week of full packs, so should be on a high from my weight loss and the journey moving to the next stage by next Sunday.

I have decided to post on here (I posted on the MINIs Forum and copied from that!), then go to bed and look through my management books I collected today. On a positive note, I wanted to pick one of the healthy options, husband is really supportive and has let me make up my own mind.

I know it's the crooked thoughts telling me other have eaten for all sorts of occasions and are still in the game, so why shouldn't I have a bit of something? Anyway, off now before get him to add a starter to his order.

I feel sad that maybe I just haven't "GOT IT" and will eventually slip back into crap habits

Day 114 - Weigh Day, Week 16!

2007-06-30T02:39:00.000-07:00

I lost 5lbs this week, and I know say this most weeks but I am really, really shocked! To get to my 61kg/9st 6lb target I have less than 4lbs to go. Regardless of what I lose next Saturday, I will be starting Management next Sunday as any remaining I am sure will come off.

I have looked forward to touching a Management book for ages and have finally got them in my grasp. I plan to sit down with a pack tonight and read the books from cover to cover. I have got them the week before so I can understand what I need to do, buy anything I need to and I suppose make an occasion of it.

One item of equipment I may invest in is a George Foreman Grill. Any advice good or bad out there?

I love barbecue meat and veg and could probably eat it most days, so I hope this would satisfy my need for flavour and health in one!

OK .... off to look at a few show homes now with the family to try and get an idea of dimensions.

Sam xx

Day ? More Trousers!

2007-06-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post as done in.

Work today and had a few issues tugging at my conscience and normal triggers which would of sent me off eating pre LL.

I had different members of staff who I manage feeling and some telling me in a roundabout way they were disgruntled with my new work pattern. I thought I had made it really clear to them I would actually be more available to them as now doing 4 days one week and 5 the other instead of 3 every week. I also told them even if I was with my other team that I am covering Mon/Tue, I was fully contactable either by email, phone or getting off said backside and talking to me face to face in the other part of THE SAME BUILDING!!!!!!!!!!

To be honest, I know who the instigator of the trouble is, and they have done it with previous managers so I should not be surprised. I have the measure of them and have been challenging things when necessary as not having them or anybody making a noise about something that is unnecessary.

Normally I would dwell on it, agonise about letting people down even if I could see we all have some part to play in personal responsibility. I would always shift blame to me. This would then make me feel like an inadequate manager and the insecurity sets in. Comfort food would then follow until I felt better which could be days down the line if the issue was ongoing.

Now I am not saying I no longer give a rats ass, because feeling like I am good at what I do and do support people is very important to me. However this time I have it in perspective. In actual fact there is only one person I manage who has a legit point (mainly due to me previously being PT and not being available to support in some challenging bits of work at the end of the week). That said in balance, I know that worker does need to take responsibility for it too as they never told me they felt like that despite me asking them and happily gets on with stuff. Therefore I think they are managing it as they tell me so.

The others have had over and above most managers offer, so they can live with it!

I do have some strategies which wanted to put in place anyway, so just motivated me to get on with that bit sooner. My trouble causer will still moan and try and take everybody with her, but I know this is something I have to live with but will keep a tight reign so she has less to use to cause the said trouble.

On that note, am off to bed to try and get shut eye by 10pm. The early nights have slipped again and my bags and brain are starting to feel it.

Kick Fit after work tomorrow

Sam xx

PS ..... I need to find some more trousers as only have weekend pair of jeans (now rather loose on waist) and a pair of work ones in reserve when a few more pounds down. I seem to of overdone it with skirts but no work trousers! Primark can't help as all too long, so looks like I will have to fork out in a shop who caters for the short, hope they have a sale on.

Day ? Happy Birthday Me!

2007-06-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks for being away. I have Been fine, just writing in my journal at bedtime as too tired to start logging on here knowing I would then read everybody else BLOG too.

It's my Birthday today and had a really lovely day. David and the girls made me a vanilla coffee (firstly without the coffee!) and brought me my cards and pressies in bed. They bought me some lovely lightweight stripy pink PJ's which I will not be embarrassed to answer the door in, a crispy new Kitchen, Bedroom and Bathrooms magazine and Gok's book (How To Look Good Naked). When I got downstairs was also a huge exotic bouquet of flowers too. Inspired gifts just what I wanted. To be honest has some really lovely well thought out pressies from family and friends.

Later in the morning Olivia and I went to town under the guise of returning a few things and came back with six bags worth!!!!!!!! At some point I hope I will stop shopping, although it's better than eating. I like my bargains as you know and found most items in the sale, including a new work bag as my dated briefcase snapped after almost two years wear. I did not realise how dated I was using it as it seems most people just have large bags. It's large enough to get papers in but I have also decided I no longer need to carry the heavy crap I used to so will scale down.

Spent a fortune on matching underwear in my smaller size from good old M & S, and a few more holiday staples.

Later in the afternoon two friends, their partners and children came round and I prepared a great buffet spread. I prepared lots of it last night to save time and did a selection of adult treats and child friendly party food. I eventually had a vegetable pack more so I could have a sit down with them, rather than being hungry. Last night and today did not feel tempted to eat although I thought on my Birthday would give myself a meal off. I am happily back in my NOT AN OPTION mindset and just want to get the job done now.

Lessons Learned Today -

1. Although I over catered, I did think about not trying to produce too much waste.
2. I made sure David (next two days lunch!) & guests went home with pack up for school/work the next day to minimise waste.
3. Realising still food left and knowing nobody else will eat certain things, have made up a large parcel for David to take to work for work colleagues to tomorrow. I still hate waste after all! LOL
4. Realised that pre-LL I would of picked and ate my way through making the buffet, laying out today and through the evening until I felt uncomfortable. My mentality WAS, I just can't leave it! Anything still left would be stored in the fridge for the next few days as I would refuse to throw anything away. Looking at it with the benefit of hindsight, I allowed myself to be a dustbin.
5. Happily No Alcohol.
6.While packing the food away, I have found myself saying to the girls one minute do you want anymore of something when in reality they would get it themselves as been doing all afternoon. Then on the opposite side of the coin said to Olivia when it was clear she had had enough, I can save some for you for another day or depending on what the food item is Mummy could make that for you another day, you don't have to eat it now. I think the second options are much better and the last thing I want is to put my food issues on them.
7. Following on from that I think I finally I understand that in this day and age as a family we are lucky enough to not have the food run out!!!!! If I am full but loved the flavour of something I could 1.STOP, 2. Make it another day or Visit the restaurant another time. 3. I do not need to eat whatever it is until I can't breath in fear I would never taste such a thing again.

Now I am unsure what I will do when I can eat again and not on management as that's where the hard work starts, but I am determined to be aware of my eating. I will cross that bridge then and try and remember days like this when I have been so happy and in control.

A very positive day it has to be said and unlike the smoked salmon trigger, I will not be putting my face in the fridge!!!!!

I am off upstairs to look at my purchases and clear some space off the bed so David can eventually get in it too. Also need to log that David has been and continues to be such a star and I hope I can prove to him how much I really appreciate him and love him for all of his support.

Day ? Weigh Day, Week 15!

2007-06-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

I lost 3lbs today. To be honest was hopeing for more as really really upped the water and of course no cheats!!!!

That said I updated my ticker and realise only have 8.81 lbs to get to my 61kg personal goal so need to get the loss in perspective.

I had decided not to take the management material gain this week, but asked my LLC to wave it in front of my face as motivation. I think I will take the info next week so can prepare and get food in. looking at the forum it looks like trying to work out what yogurts and various things to have due to sugars et al seems complicated, so the more time the better.

I am definite now that whether get to 61kg or not, will start Management after the next two weeks weigh ins. I see no reason why I will not continue to loose, and I should be close by then anyway.

OK, off to prepare my Birthday Buffet now!

Day 100 - I Made It!

2007-06-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

I was just shy of my 4 stone target (we all know why!!!) and realise I only have a 11.5 Lbs to my goal! I Can do that and hang on in there before embarking on the World Of Management. It seems so mysterious and exciting.

Today in my group there was only three of us. Few on holiday and sadly one decided she is unable to continue due to medical issues. I am gutted for her, but hope to see her soon and that she gets some answers.

We looked at Crossing the River today out of the Development part of the program. For anybody who has yet to get to this bit, we were asked to draw two island with a river running through it. On one island we plotted where we are now in our lives, the other where we want to be. In the river we placed any possible obstacles to achieving our goals (not just weight loss wise) and finally built a bridge over the river of the tools we would use to get to the other side.

I found it really helpful and confirmed that at the moment I have more positive things going on in my life than negative but at the same time could note any areas for improvements. We all shared with each other this exercise and am pleased to report we are all in happy places. I split mine into my home, husband/children, work, friends, weight/health, exercise/health, projects etc. I won't bore you with all the details but felt really content and happy about my dream home we moved into last July, however I hasten to add it is nowhere near being in dream home state, but has the potential to be so. In terms of hubby, children & friends I felt my relationship with them all was so much better but had a little way to go to be exactly how I would want them. This is most apparent when it come to friends who still expect you to be the person they met originally. Despite moving on at different periods in your life, they still keep some of the same views of you and refuse to move on too about specific issues.

When it came to weight/health/exercise I felt really happy and could acknowledge not only the weight loss, but the good blood pressure I now have and I am back to loving exercise. I have settled on wanting to be 9 st 7lbs. This is when I wish to start Management and hopefully go on to have a buffer of between 9st and 9st 7 lbs.

Due to my silly and recent blip I will take Development one week at a time, and decided in the end not to take the Management Book. Depending on where I am with my weight loss, I will take the books nearer to goal so I can be organised and plan my meals. I would love to have at least 3/4 weeks of Management in the bank before I go on holiday. I have a little over 7 weeks for that so should be OK.

Normal Blogging will commence now confessed all and focus back on end prize.

Just need some time to catch up on everybody else and see how you have all got on.

Sam xx

Day 97, 98 & 99 - A Struggle, but Made It!

2007-06-14T22:19:00.000-07:00

The last 3 days have been tough but got easier each day. I have read that people have struggled getting back on track after a binge, but only really understood it once been there myself. Anybody thinking about it or even considering continuing with a binge I do not recommend it.

I think I have just summed up what happened during a conversation with David when I told him I was not going to attend a couple of things coming up. To be honest I was never keen on attending them in the first place so can't attribute that to my current feelings.

I told David that somewhere along the line I took my eye off the ball, became increasingly relaxed around food and became complacent because I am near my goal.

The binge has left me with an unpleasant glimpse at some of my old feelings and habits. The first is of course feeling out of control. I felt 'FAT' for the first time in ages, full of self doubt and did not feel happy and confident about my body image. I felt like I did not want to join in/attend things rather than giving myself that extra push to get out of the door. I realise too I probably was feeling some anxiety about starting my new role at work this week which went towards the negativity and destructive behaviour that has happened over the previous days. Physically I have felt and looked bloated and uncomfortable; have awful and uncontrollable wind; breath is horrid; felt hungry and the list goes on. The bloat, although better has gone on for days which I am surprised about.

I have weighed myself each morning (nothing new for some weeks!) to see if can work out what damage I have caused. To be honest I think at worse I will stay the same. Unless the weight boomerangs back on for Saturday, I should of still lost a tad. I have to accept unlikely to get my 4 stone loss at the end of foundation, but feel comfortable taking responsibility for that.

At this weeks class will take the Management books to read and no doubt make preparations to plan the first few meals. However I intend to take full packs for the next week and feel my eye is back on the prize. I do not want to feel like I have failed/done half a job like I did at WW all those years ago. I believe it's likely I will loose a bit more in the first few weeks on Management, but know I can't rely on a full stone.

A few things my LLC said to me when I confessed to her have stuck in my head, and I feel make a lot of sense. She said in reality that it may not take as long as I think to get to my goal as I believe it will in my head. Secondly she said that Management is hard enough without trying to loose more weight, and I really need to be going into it from the point of abstinence (not binging!!). She knows how I feel about failing and said she doesn't want me to feel like I have by not getting to my goal. I must say she is a great LLC and I am so glad it never worked out with the Nottingham one. Just shows you things happen for a reason, even if at the time you are not so sure.

Day 95 - What The Funk????

2007-06-11T22:06:00.000-07:00

OK, What The Funk Is Wrong With Me?

x3 slices of bread, butter, cheese and a mini cheese string??????

Is this :-

just crooked thought winning the argument for a change?

because I missed my group on Saturday?

or because I am ready to eat?

My stomach looks and feels bloated and I feel P... Off, I should of eaten protein not carbs if anything. I am now dreaming about eating a roast chicken al la ATKINS when I work from home tomorrow!

I wonder if I should go into work Tuesday?????

I am not even that P..... Off with myself.

Day 94 - Start of Fall From Grace?

2007-06-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

After a Primark spending spree for some more basics for work, and a heavy trying on session have finally made it into bed. Plus had a lovely facial and massage at the Elemis Counter. Have booked another for 5 weeks time.

I have already had a taste of some smoked salmon out of the fridge and it was gorgeous. Sadly I then went back to the kitchen and weighed out 50g, added a mini cheese string. I told David as not adding lying about food to my behaviour. Seems so silly with only a stone to go, but think it's just showing me I am ready to eat. To try and make up for the extras, I dropped two packs.

I think I will make this commitment to myself -

Not miss another group

It's still not acceptable to pick at food as it hasn't been before

Commit to another 7 lbs off, and see how I feel about Management (MMMMMM that would make me 10st 1lb, actually I am not happy about that weight and certainly feel the scales need to say 9st something!)

Do a Thought Record and read some of the Foundation book.

I must say a savoured every piece of salmon and really tasted it.

Day 93 - Fab Night!

2007-06-09T22:40:00.000-07:00

Back from a truly Fabulous night out with three female friends. They had a meal, wine etc in Fat Cat while I had plenty of soda water with flavour and a black coffee. This is my first meal out like this and was pleased to say it was without any problems.

I felt good, looked good and even had great hair after morning trip to hairdressers. I had on my pretty matching underwear, new heels (needed a bit of practice walking!!) and felt a million dollars.

Today was the shopping spree with my different set of chums. Making the most of not going to my group I booked a hair treatment while they had lunch. I then met them and they were pleasantly shocked at how much weight I had lost. Really really supportive and said they were going to be my Trinny & Susanah for the afternoon. The first stop was getting measured at M & S which I was not that fussed with, but when there could see the merits of getting the boobs sorted. We all decided to get measure and the assistant was lovely and came up with good recommendations for all of us. She told me I was now ............ (drum roll please) ......

36c.

I was so shocked. I never thought I would be that size again. This was my first proper size when they had stopped growing many many moons ago when at senior school. I did make the comment that they are not quite as pert as they were back then, but hey I can't have it all. LOL.
I was happy to go and buy some cheap undies elsewhere, but chums made me buy matching undies and to be honest they were right and I am glad I did.

Next I asked them to take me in shops I would not dare to go in pre LL or alone. I have often looked in the window of Zara, but thought everything looked the size of a postage stamp. Not convinced would find anything, they grabbed things of the shelf for me and we all tried a few things on. I liked a lovely white linen skirt which they wanted me to buy, but with an extra stone to go stuck to my guns and didn't. It was also expensive and my head was still in Primark!

A bit more shopping and we ended up in John Lewis. They needed hats/dresses for Ascot (not my bag so never go with them). I finally gave in and bought a white linen skirt with a small motif on the bottom and a brown vest top to go with it. I must admit I felt nice in them and looked slim. £57 later and I had an outfit for the evening. We said our goodbye's and i rushed home to get ready to go out later.

When I met my friends in the evening, they too were happily shocked and said I looked great. No negative comments, but one did say 'I won't go too far will I'. I just smiled and said no, I am nearly there. They were interested in the counselling side and as said above we had a great evening talking and having a laugh. I even got a bit more male attention again as we walked about the town. It is nice to no longer be invisible or the bubbly/likes a laugh fat one.

Today's Achievements -

36C
Matching/nice undies
new outfit
meal out, no regrets or cravings to eat with them
driving back home knowing no chance over the limit or hangover the next day
realise I am looking forward to going out again and dressing up

Day 90 - Salsa Night!

2007-06-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the Wolf Whistles Ladies.

Am I now back in the game for them also from builders with builders bum shouting me off scaffolding, or am I too old for that now?

I Tonight I am at my Salsa Class at 8pm. I hate it now it's at the later time, and to be honest each week puts more excuses into my head not to go due to the delay. I will keep going as I really enjoy it when there. Tonight after the class going to pop in for a coffee and see a friend who not too well for an hour.

I will have Ella tomorrow and be having her daughter Thursday morning. We will have a few jobs to do including me taking them to a weigh in as won't be in class on Saturday. I am really disappointed about that as the group will be doing the first week of development. I am finally having the many times postponed shop trip with friends on Saturday. I have to say it is no longer spectacular as we are going to have a few hours in Nottingham! The other two girls wanted it in the first place and do not sound excited by it, I wish I had just said I'm not bothering too. Ah well, have manged to squeeze a hair appointment in which is long overdue in the morning if not in the LL class, and then meet them after their lunch for the shop.

They haven't seen me for many weeks so think they will be quite amazed. Blimey for the first time ever beginning before we even started junior school, bar the one occasion I had lost some baby weight and my best friend was pregnant ....... I will no longer be the fat friend. That feels good and long may it continue. I must also say when they said a few words last time we went out about me not being the same as not drinking etc, I am so so glad I did this diet and did not cave in to temptation. In the scheme of the life I have ahead of me, it's only been a small part of time out of my life and worth every penny.

There ends my advert for LL today.

My LLC has a introduction session when I go and get weighed tomorrow so she says I can be an advert when I get there for some of the people. Who would of thought I would be at the other side. It only feels five minutes since I sat there in my own Introduction meeting and considered if I was going to be ripped off!

Right, Salsa beckons. I hope the dance moves don't get even more intimate or I will need a signed consent form from David to say I can attend, LOL

Day 89 - Comments I Did Not Expect!

2007-06-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

Back to work today, which was of course busy with fewer hours in the day than I could of done with. Millions of emails which hardly touched and a line of people wanting to talk to me about all sorts etc etc. However, only one more day to go and off again with my babies. It will be next week I start my new hours, already I wonder if it's the right choice. BUT ........ as keep telling myself, will give it a go and not let anybody think they are going to take advantage and give me their jobs as well as my own!

Well it felt like ages since I had actually been in the office, and I had some lovely and some quite extreme reactions today. One on my way back from the shops at lunchtime a women I used to manage ran out of her office and caught me in the foyer and wanted to know what I had done to myself. She said I looked great. Another as I went upstairs back to my office was from a women I see around in the building but do not really know. She saw me, walked over to me and asked if I had lost weight. I happily bleated over 3 1/2 stone as she continued to look open mouthed at me. She congratulated me and told me she needed to get back to the gym herself or stop paying the membership and then we talked briefly about what classes I do at the gym. Had a few more of such comments today from people which were all greatly appreciated. However I want to run this one past you, as did not see this coming at any point!!!!!!!

In my team, one of the chaps I manage saw me this morning and looked shocked. He quickly asked what I had done (friendly way) and said I looked different. We then discussed a few cases so I could be updated and agreed we would travel together to a meeting later in the morning. Over the day have seen him a few times and he still kept asking me what I had done in the week since I last saw him. He then said something about how he and another guy in the team have noticed the change and wondered how, as he did the actions with his hands but meant I was now curving in the right places!!!!!!!!!!! I made some slightly embarrassed comment about not being able to say that to his own manager. He also added other female team members have noticed to try and detract from him and this guy discussing my new figure. I know I shouldn't of done, but I said I assume I look better now like this, and this is where I really did not expect the reaction ........ He Nodded very affirmatively with a sort of look in his eye!

Blimey. I have to say, this guy is happily married, there is no sexual tension between us and he is just a easy going member of my team. I was just not expecting that my weight loss and the inevitable taking a bit more care of the way I dress and look would have this affect on anyone other than me and my husband. Naive now I think about it, but blimey, blimey, blimey. When I got home just had to tell David who thought it was funny.

On the clothes front I posted about last time, I can report I could squeeze into and fasten the size 10's from DP's and Primark which was quite surreal. I managed to pour myself into some trousers in the same size but could not fasten them, but for £5 thought with another stone to go would be worth having. Chuffed as you can imagine. After trying on the new threads, I thought I'd better check the work outfit I had got out and ironed was OK. I looked at the size 16 skirt, tried it on as you guessed it was too big. It's also a very long skirt as that's what I used to wear all the time. I now realise what a fool I looked like, and it only looks worse on my now smaller frame.

At this point, at 10pm an a Monday night before going back to work, I began to feel frightened and wondered what the hack I was going to wear. I only had one pair of jeans and thought I was going to have to take a trip to 24 hr Tesco to get some work trousers or a skirt. I then realised I could go in one of my new ones and proceed to make a new outfit. I even had to ask David to put a new notch in my belt! I still truly can't believe this.

Today I felt great. New size 10 skirt, smaller belt and new handbag. I almost felt like a groomed women! LOL. Not sure will ever be a makeup before leave the house person, life's too short.

One final observation I have had today and a few other ocassions is something Lesley has mentioned before. I noticed people that I previously thought looked at ideal weight and may of even wished I could be their size, seemed overweight now. It sort of seems I can't notice on myself the weight loss, and like last night thought their was a conspiracy and somebody had been sewing in size 10 & 12's into my clothes, when really I am still big. That said I can somehow see other either getting bigger or probably more likely staying the same but I have less of me to compare with them now.

Ok, am off to bed to read now. Been to aerobics tonight and Salsa tommorow.

Night xx

Day 88 - A Bit More!

2007-06-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

the girls and I had a great day today and are now sound asleep in bed as they should be. Painting the pots was brill, albeit more expensive than I thought. As I should of anticipated, the girls wanted to paint some of the most expensive and child friendly items rather than a boring tile or something mini. Olivia chose sleeping beauty, Lucy picked the tooth fairy. I joined them and selected a large mug with a heart on it.

It was really therapeutic and something a bit different for us all to do. I will be able to collect the items next week once they have been in the oven and I will post our works of art on my BLOG when I get them. They were really well behaved and a nice ending to the holidays.

Another bit of good and unexpected news was from someone I went to school with who now owns a beauty salon. I had popped in for a quick appointment and she told me she was 19wks pregnant. She has had so many GY problems and various procedures and operations and to be honest come to terms with no children over the years. I am so so pleased for her and gave her a big hug and smacker on the cheek. She has already had many scans due to her history but has another at 20wk so fingers crossed all is still well.

David has just popped out for something, so I have decided to make him a meal for his return. A lovely salad, rice and beef teriyaki. I have really enjoyed preparing the veg and extras to go with it for him. I did contemplate whether eating a raw piece of red onion would be a problem with my chicken pack, but quickly ignored myself in event became slippery slope.

As said before, I am ready to cook and plan healthy meals again. Hopefully now that David has had a large dose of it he will be just as active in the planning stakes so it's a shared responsibility for the family. Perhaps to prevent further temptation once back in the food saddle he could continue to do the overall shop?

Bought a few size 10 & 12's today, mainly variety of skirts as only really have one in my wardrobe which will be wearing for work. I felt fraud enough buying the 12's never mind about the 10's. Will try them on later. As some were real bargains I assume that after at least another stone off I will be in the 10 range. Have had some success fitting into some size 12's before, so will see how it goes and let you know. How strange that sounds to me. Lucy's mum told me today I looked tiny. That feels especially strange as I have always looked at her as one of my very petite friends who I assumed was a size 10. She said not and hopes for cast offs from me when they are too big!!!!!!!

Funny old world. Who would of thought it only a few short months ago!

Day 88 - Last Day of Freedom!

2007-06-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post (I always say that!). Olivia and I are off school and work today as she has an inset day. I have also offered to look after her friend Lucy for the day who is also off for the same reason from another school. I plan to catch the tram with them into town, take them for lunch and have been looking at going to a 'Paint A Pot'. Never been before but thought would occupy a few more hours and in return they could make a pressie for Fathers Day.

I am looking forward to it, but it's struck me that although Olivia & Ella have not really made an issue about me not eating with them, Lucy may well ask why I am not eating. She is a really bright child and not as likely to accept it so easily. That said I will just say I will eat later and leave it at that.

Back to work tomorrow which is always hard when been off for so long. The week after I will be trying my FT/9 day fortnight! No doubt will discover what the other managers have requested in terms of me helping the other team out! Well, won't worry about that now, it's my last day of freedom. Everybody's school, nursery & work clothes are ironed ready for the week, school bags packed so at least I don't have that to worry about.

I must say I am also looking forward to getting my Saturdays back once done Foundation and Development. I love the time away but it is a fair few hours away. I know the current management class is on a Thursday evening. If that remains the same I am thinking I could work that to my advantage with the Work Life Balance hours. Instead of finishing work at 5pm, I could stay till late and go straight to the management class. Thus preventing commute home in rush hour & accrue more hours.

May see you later

Sam

Day 86 - Weigh In!

2007-06-02T16:16:00.000-07:00

Lost 1lb this week! Have to say felt disappointed as had expected as a minimum 2/3lbs following usual standards. That said had on very light clothes last week, when usually wear jeans each week. Today had on my new pair , therefore I knew it was a possibility the lost weight on the scales was not going to be huge. Still it's yet another reminder how damaged my thought process is when it comes to scales, weight loss and how it affects my mood.

I must say had a wonderful group again today and my slight dissapointment left quite quickly. Now have two weigh ins until the end of Foundation, so will cross my fingers for a 6lbs loss to take me to 4 stone!

As the group is at different levels as said before, this week was actually week 14 in the program (some of us are wk13, 12 & 11 in reality). We completed our feedback sheet in the back of the Foundation book and handed that into our LLC at the same time as the wk 3 one we all did. Plus another one about why we were overweight. This included reasons such a slow metabolism, having children, lack of exercise and comfort eating. My first reason for being overweight was comfort eating. Did not use any of the excuses like slow metabolism.

After this we talked through the positives, negatives & any regrets of the last weeks (P 140).

The last exercise we did was to all take a blank piece of paper and add our names. We then had to pass it on to the person next to us and note down a positive about them. The paper was then folded over so your answer could not be seen by the next person and passed on each time to the person next to you until you got your own back. By the end we all had a full dose of positives strokes, and I felt this supplemented the Self Esteem Quiz I did on Mrs BLOG Page. There were less people today for one reason or another, but mine said -

Very positive/inspiration
Supportive, Friendly
Support & cheerfulness, stroking
She is the sparkle on your Xmas tree, always positive.

How lovely is that? I felt really happy with that & helped me realise I am not a fat miserable, Worse Case Scenario (WCS) girl who can't be bothered to go out with her friends! There are other things I think of myself that I could add, but I would be here all afternoon. Once again it just goes to show you we can have certain images of ourselves which are completely incorrect or somewhat skewed from reality. Yes I am the WCS person, but I'm not all the time every day of the week. The same with being miserable. I know with the latter trait this is something I also remember one of my sisters in particular calling me and it has stuck so much. When in reality as a young women growing up I was just being a teenager who had lost both parents (aunts, uncles, dogs, friends to name but a few), had a string of undesirable boyfriends and was starting to make my place in the world. Nevertheless I even remember examples of one sister agreeing with a particular boyfriend that I was stroppy and in effect he did well to put up with it. Wheres the solidarity in that sis?

I feel like I need to qualify this and say I love my sisters (they are twins and like chalk and cheese. I used to name them the soft sister and hard one! I also have a brother who will be 58yrs) who have been there for me in so many ways it makes me cry thinking about how lucky I was and still am to have them in my life. They are from a completely different time and generation to me (they are 55yrs), and have not had any of the opportunities that were either offered to me or in reality I took. So much so they both still live together and always will. I know one sister has turned down marriage proposals and both put their lives on hold to care for people, including our mum who had cancer for many years before dying. They also had their father who one of them would visit every night to keep him company, clean & make a dinner for him (all after going to work FT). I sometimes went with them as a child and I assume this began when our mother and their father separated. It continued until he died too.

After he died I remember thinking they could have a life now, but then they started looking after our next door neighbour who became more frail, ill and eventually died over the years. I felt cross and said so sometimes that she had children and where were they looking after their mother? That said she was a lovely lady who was friends with our mum and her family didn't live close, I just thought what a bloody injustice for my sisters. After watching my sisters taking on more and more roles whether it was down to them or not, I decided I would never do that. Therefore when I met David (not first date or anything) I made it clear I would never, ever be having his parents or other family members to live with us if they became ill or whatever reason. I also made clear I would not be a carer for anybody and be visiting people on a daily basis. This view is so matter a fact and out in the open in David's and my family now. Of course I would not be abandoning anybody, but would not let it take over whatever life I have left, nor will I expect my girls to look after D avid & I. My sisters fully support it and talk about what they had to do and how it did have an impact on their own lives. Sadly some years ago Davids Dad had a stroke which eventually meant he could not go home. He now lives in a home near David's mum (in fact that's where David and the girls are now).

Look, I've done it again. Started off positive and now dragging up the past. I suppose one way or another it's all relevant on this voyage of discovery. As Lesely comments, there is no point doing the BLOG without being honest.

With the house to myself, I think I will go and try on a few clothes .....

Day 84 - Feel Fantastic!

2007-05-31T14:26:00.000-07:00

Have returned from my market research music night. Blimey we earned our money tonight!!!! There were 750 quick snippets of music from past to present day. We had to comment on whether we hated the song, knew it through to loving it. At first it was great, after hours I was sick to death of music. A few tracks made me smile or almost cry due to the associations they had. There was no fear of having to negotiate the buffet either as no time or inclination at break time. Anyway, that's £30 towards the clothes fund.

Got home about 10pm, and David said he had not long get home with the girls (now sleeping in bed). After Olivia's swimming lesson he decided to take them out for a drive and ended up at Gunthorpe. Who should shout him as they began to walk but his sister, hubby and their youngest daughter on their boat. They bought a second hand one over a year ago, and we still had not been to see it! David said they all climbed aboard and the girls had a great time.

I feel today has been a really really brill day and wish it could be like this more often. (Not sure if it's about my attitude). I took the girls to the play centre in Derby ..... they all loved it, I felt relaxed and I didn't even get lost to/from. It struck me today how different Olivia and Ella are. It used to be so painful taking Olivia anywhere like that as she would cling to one of us. Ella arrived, took her shoes off and was happy to wander off around the play equipment with or without her sister and their friend. She would pop back occasionally like the others for a drink and the loo. I could see them all playing. I felt like I enjoyed being a mum today and felt that was what it was all about. We arrived at 11am and did not leave until 3.30pm. As David said earlier, they have all had value for money out of today. Hopefully will enjoy the creche, maybe a trip to the library and aunty visit tommrow just as much.

To add to my happines, opened my emails and have a reply about a possible placement that I will need to do if I apply for a counselling course to start 2008. She has asked me to contact the manger of placements early next week and arrange to meet him with a view to the said placement 2008. How brill is that, not in the bag of course but at least they want to see me. I then thought about the extra hours I have agreed to do at work and have told myself once again if I can only get on a course which is in the week, I will do it and sod the extra cash. I have wanted to pursue this forever and will do what it takes.

I feel so happy, in control and clear of where I want to go I am tearful again. Is it my hormones? the only fly (a small one anyway) is that I fleetingly wonder what is going to happen in my perfect life to knock me back to reality. I am not dwelling but it is my nature to be 'The Worse Case Scenario Women'. It's not always obvious to the outside world, but I just like to be prepared.

Getting a bit deeper now .........

I think it stems back to loosing a number of key family members, including my mum and the equivalent to my dad in a short space of time at a young age. I distinctly remember telling myself in the funeral car for my mum that nothing and nobody would ever be as bad as this day/time in my life. I vowed to refuse to let anybody in to be hurt like that again. Don't get me wrong I had and do have positive relationships with people after that point. I just had that period as a measure of unhappiness. Not sure anybody reading will get this, but here goes. I love David with everything, however I have worse case scenarioed him not being in my life one way or another many times. I wish to stress I want him in my life and is my soul mate, but ....... I have already calculated I would survive. However the only people I could not safeguard myself from the hurt would be Olivia and Ella.

OK, not ending on that note.

Back to the playcentre. Last time I was there I was FAT. This time I was slimmer and felt normal again like like commented in a previous post. So much so, If I lost sight of any of them I jumped on the equipment and ran around like the other parents. He He, who cares if my bum looks big in this, it's nolonger the biggest!

Night Folks xx

Day 83 - Excellent Salsa!

2007-05-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

Truly is a quick post tonight as already 10.30pm and will need my wits about me as another day of school holidays with Olivia, Ella and One of their friends in the morning to face!

Had a really good Salsa class tonight and learnt even more moves. After the class she left the music on for anybody to have a bit more practice. Tonight I was assertive and grabbed a man to do a bit more dancing with. Not sure we are a match made in heaven, me being 5 ft 2 and him being somewhere in the sky but we managed to make it work.

I took the girls to Sherwood Forest today to see the Major Oak. I thought it would be good despite the weather so they could run about freely without me telling them they are close to a busy road. Had over 1 1/2 hour walk with them, although Ella would hop into the pram when her little legs hurt. Olivia remarked that we were getting good exercise and seemed to enjoy that fact (they are doing healthy eating/exercise at school). Nevertheless both had a sleep on the way back as worn out.

Tomorrow I will be taking them to a play centre in Derby. It's great there as I have a full view of where they are from the adult seating area and they can't get out so am looking forward to perhaps drinking plenty of coffee, water and reading some magazines. MMMM, bliss. We will stay for lunch, do a bit more play then get home. Olivia then has swimming at 6pm so I hope I don't hear moaning about being bored!!!!!

I will be helping with some market research Thursday night for a few hours. David and I have done a few things before. Once you are on the list they call you maybe a few times a year. Last time I had to comment on a new Aunt Bessie product in terms of the marketing campaign (no tasting). The adverts are currently on. You know the frozen scones and other cakes which you put in the oven. I think one of the adverts are two show home agents baking some. The time before that I had to comment on financial products for Co-op. David has had to comment on pre-packed Sandwiches before.

On Thursday I have been told I will be listening to some music for a few hours, with a break in between. There is always a buffet, alcohol and anybody who helps gets paid. This time it's £30. Previous times it's usually £40 plus. Will add the cash to the clothes fund.

See you soon, too tired now and have another pack to go yet.

Perhaps a choc one made into a mouse .......... who needs Cadbury's Melted Dairy Milk anyway?

Sam xxx

Day 81 - Cadbury's World!

2007-05-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the so supportive comments on my BLOG. It has really made me smile and feel a warm glow. Reading and posting with you all has made a huge difference to the overall package of getting rid of my weight, and hopefully keeping it off! I will get around to photos when have selected some as well as some vital statistics as I know it helps me to keep motivated seeing how well we can do dieting.

We all went to Cadbury's World today, and only just home. Had a great time although it was heaving with people. I think it's an excellent idea booking you time slot on the tour, otherwise it would be so unknown how long you would have to wait for everything as well as availability. The only downside was that you had to queue for almost everything! Not always for a long time, but that became a little boring. On the other side it was well organised and once you had paid to get in (cost us £41 - Ella was free and also bought an activity book for Olivia and a brochure about Cadbury's) technically you did not need to pay anymore if took a packed lunch. Anybody looking for a day out for the family or friends, I certainly recommend it as long as you are not a choco-holic. I commented to David that if we were going to Kebab World I would of been in trouble!

http://www.cadburyworld.co.uk/en/cworld

For those of you who have not been, at almost every turn you are given loads of free chocolate as well as being offered a small cup of melted milk chocolate with the option to add different sweets and flavours. David had sports mixtures and milk chocolate , while the girls had a cup of choc on its own each. I was not sure what I was going to do as the time approached to get them, but it all happened so fast, I removed myself from the queue and helped the girls. I did not get one. They smelt lovely, just like a school cookery lesson when you make rice crispy cakes and melt the large slab of chocolate over the bowl of hot water. To be honest a really comforting smell as I loved school.

While we queued for the main exhibition and tour around the site, David and the girls were happy eating. Olivia asked me if I wanted to try it? Again, I did reason it out in my mind and had a lick of a spoon of chocolate. It was delicious, but I left it at that. Rather than feeling like I have failed for trying it (But David did look at me with complete and utter shock, however he denies this!) I felt strangely confident, in control and clear headed. That said I would of loved more of the stuff and watched as both Olivia and Ella eventually put the remaining cup of soft milky chocolate in the bin, as quite rightly they had had enough. I know pre LL I would of finished them off as hate waste. Even 'Wasting' something did not tug at my heart strings as much as it did 11 weeks ago.

I was tested again when we went in the shop. Loads of offers, huge bars and novelty chocolates. I opted for a new key ring to remind me of the day rather than any chocolate to have when I am able to eat a little. I did debate it for a while, but I knew if I bought something it would just eat away at my brain as I knew it was exclusively for me until it had gone! Got a new flavour for a friend and David got a few things. The girls only wanted a Cadbury's sticker and off we went home. wallet and Purse lighter but feeling we had made the effort to take the girls out.

A success!

One issues I am less confident about was our stop off at a service station on the way back. It had a M & S so we got a selection of Sandwiches and snacks for the way home as would be too late for a meal when we got back to Nottingham. As I passed around the food to the rest of my family, my mind wandered to what would happen when I can eat? Olivia and ell did not like the SW we settled on, David did not want it either so it was wasted. I could of eaten it. It was a egg mayo and ham roll with lettuce. I looked at the food label during the drive back and noted it was low GI, only had about 330 calories and not too bad fat wise. It was marked as a healthy alternative, I was pleasantly surprised and commented to David. I did mention my fears about what I would do when I could eat, and said I would probably of eaten the sushi, but maybe this roll would of been OK. Man of few words is David, and he just said not to worry about it and that LL would let me know how I would manage this situation.

I know he is right, but my nature is impatient and I sort of want somebody to tell me that I will still be able to have a takeaway, eat out, visit friends and pick nice things of a holiday menu. I feel really frightened of the thought of being told in management that I can never do these things ever ever again. That said, I realise I cannot return to old eating habits and forget exercise once I am at goal. I love salad with protein, like the GI principles and hope I can return at least in part back to the Food Doctors/Ian Marber philosophy. Obviously most of us have tried the willpower method before, and one way or another it's not worked for me on a ongoing basis. I accept it's about making choices, I just hope I can do this forever.

I don't want to be negative at this leg of the race, but I am only posting what I have felt to a greater or lesser extent through the program. The only difference now I have have 3 weeks left on foundation, and hopefully a small stint in development.

Off to bed now, David is back at work Tuesday but I am off with the girls all week. More activities to be had but hopefully a quieter one tomorrow to recover.

PS - had on a new pair of size 14 Jeans on today. Snug, but nevertheless on. As I wandered around today I felt like a normal wife & mum. Not the fat wife & mum who has let herself go! That felt good.

Night Night xx

Will catch up with you all Tuesday

Day 79 - Weigh Time & Reality!

2007-05-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

Have lost 5 3/4 Lbs this week and of course chuffed as mint balls. As usual was expecting less than this, so am well on my way to the 4 Stone challenge I have set myself. I did well on my water, had all my packs bar one as too tired and enjoyed my exercise classes.

I may come back and post more later as hubby wants the computer, however wanted to report I have just had a tearful moment.

I had updated my ticker and it now says I have lost 22.6kg with 7.5kg to goal. Converting this on the computer says I have a little over 16lbs to go. I was explaining to David these calculations as we looked in the cupboard and found a 1.5kg bag of flour to try and get our heads around how much blubber has gone. Although to be fair David is probably well aware how big I looked previously!!!!

At this point David said I could be a goal in about 4 more weeks. I disagreed as had some weeks ago worked out I would need at least 4 weeks after Foundation, and I currently have 3 more weigh ins in my Foundation block. I then did the maths and realised to date I have tended to loose 14lbs every 4 weeks.

At this point my eyes filled up and I realised I am so close to goal (in comparison) I can quite literally taste it. I feel happy tearful now as I write this and just can't believe it. The crooked thought I am sure will arrive anytime now and say from this point on I will loose only 1lb a week for the next 16/17 weeks. Dam you Crooked thoughts.

OK, better go.

PS. I opted for the size 10 top from ASDA I bought yesterday ........ it only bloody fit and I felt fabulous. That said I am still based in reality as know if went to another shop, would not be able to get their size 10 over my ears!

Day 78 - Negative Comment!!!!!

2007-05-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

Well, just had to post about this ........

Ella and I treated ourselves (OK it was for my benefit) to a look around our just opened ASDA clothes shop. Few items purchased for me including a size 12 T-Shirt which I am pleased to say fits and looks nice and a selection of swimwear and matching short (not sure!!!) skirt which you wear over the beach outfit. Of course the girls got a couple of new swimsuits so not to feel left out.

Anyway, as usual I digress.

I met a lady and her daughter on one of the isles who I have certainly not seen since LL, but could even be at least 6 months before that too. She said something along the lines of "By god, you've lost some weight". She then quickly asked if the loss was intentional (I believe she was checking whether I had been ill or not). Nevertheless pleased with the comment, I happily reported yes 3 Stone, with a bit more to go. She then said "You don't want to go too far, otherwise it will show in my face". She looked grave, as if I was about to die!!!!!!!!!! I reluctantley nodded at which point we parted.

How Rude!

In writing my tale, I realised a few things as I have thought about it over the day

That that particular women has only ever know me overweight. I met her at baby clinic when Olivia was a baby.
That I have not dwelled on this one negative today and thought about needing to eat food as that said comfort blanket
That it will be the first of hopefully not too many negative back handed compliments.

Over the week have had a few moments where I have convinced myself will not really loose any more weight to any significant level. Whats that about? LL has not failed me yet, it will come off. My BLOG says it, but my mind needs to catch up. I have convinced myself that I will not only not reach my 4 stone goal by the end of foundation, but that failing that I will be way off it!!!!!!!! I keep telling myself I have x4 Weigh In's left, it will be fine. However I am looking forward to getting weighed Saturday, but have not found my old pictures.

Better get looking

See Ya

Day 74 - Work!

2007-05-21T21:02:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the lovely comments on my BLOG regarding failed hobbies, sick husbands, wedding dresses and my clear fetish for takeaway. You know, I never know it was that bad!!!!!!!

I thought I would just do a quick update as to my work proposition.

After much thought and discussion with both sets of friends (you know the ones who say try it and the others who say no way), as well as speaking to my colleagues who are currently in my old team, I have decided to give it a trial. Chris and Lesley Don't throw anything at your computers, I did listen to you and agree 100% life is far too short to run myself into the ground for somebody else benefit.

The balanced advice from Friend 1 who already has been doing the 9 day fortnight was give it a try. She made me see working at home one day a fortnight with Ella in tow does not mean chaining myself to a desk and ignoring her for 7.5 hours. Friend 2 who has children a similar age to me and has seen me do x4 days before I was a manager and what I do now advised me not to compromise on what I want. In particular I wanted my day off each fortnight to be Friday, and work at home the next one. I am currently off Thursday & Friday, all my PT working friends as well as Ella & Olivia's friends are off then too and we have established routines and links. Therefore I met with my boss, told her all my fears at ultimately being dumped on and expected to clear up the back log every week and being responsible for it. This is as well as some of the 'Personalities' involved too! I also told them my nursery can only offer Thursday as the extra day and why I wanted Friday too.

Job Done. The Friday seems to of been accepted, nursery can take the girls from 14/06/07 and all we need to agree are the ground rules of the work I will be undertaking.

Husbands is already looking concerned I will return in to monster career women again, but just like LL I will allay his fears by showing him I will either cope or pack it in. Now I have been on the other side of working every hour God sends, feeling stressed, having no energy or time for my family and friends ........ I will not allow it to happen again. Plus as stress is one of my many triggers to eat excessively to make myself feel better, I will not allow work to ruin my hard earned progress and opportunity to sort my life out.

Right, feel better now my mind is made up and off to bed to read a New, Crispy/untouched Magazine (another addiction of mine, but better than eating biscuits which happened to be calling at a particularly difficult meeting I attended this afternoon).

As a contingency, I will of course be relying on you all as well as my hubby to tell me if I suddenly am no longer upbeat!

Day 72 - Weigh In, Week 10!

2007-05-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

Another week over and 3lbs gone! That' s a fraction over 44 LBS. I now have 4 weeks until the end of Foundation and would love to total a 4 Stone loss/56 LBS!

This week we looked at Instant Gratification (Wk 12, P128). I had already completed mine over the previous two weeks to try and keep me on the straight and narrow. We had to identify things we had Mastered during our lives, things we were currently trying to master and finally think of what has/does provide us with Instant Gratification. The latter will come as no surprise was generally eating something that perhaps may not of been the best choice for us. However it could be I suspect like any other addiction such as shopping, alcohol, drugs etc.

One thing which struck a cord was when my LLC talked about things we had given up before mastering in the past. Like most of us I had many things ... Karate, Playing the piano, Calligraphy and so it goes on. She went onto talk about rating the importance of those things from 1-10 (1 being no real importance right up to 10 being very important to us). I had always felt a bit of a failure for no longer doing those things, and others included which of course fed into my belief I can never stick at anything. This I know is untrue deep down, but it always seemed easier to reprimand myself for no longer being able to play the piano, that I am not a black belt in karate or even a master calligraphy who could illustrate. However I conveniently forget that I have mastered many things on an every day level like driving alone around the country, studied, passed and obtained employment after attending University, even passing beginners Salsa. Again I think this all fits with last weeks Action Plan I set to try a Kick Boxing class before the end of foundation. As I said, If I try it and dislike it this does not mean I have failed/can't stick to anything. It just means I have rated it quite low on my list of priorities and want to do other things.

Our homework for this week is to complete a Daily Diary of our everyday activities and define if it fits into Mastery, Pleasure or Instant Gratification. That should be interesting. Also we will get our before pictures if we want them and have agreed to bring in some old photos of ourselves to see how we have changed. I am quite eager to do the latter as have only quite recent ones of me. It would be good to look at them when I was younger and the honeymoon to see how fat or not I was!

The lady at goal has been to her first maintenance class this week, and may well join us in a few weeks time so she can still see us. This is good news for her but strange and sad for us as a group.

Also one of the ladies has returned from a holiday abroad and was pleased she stayed the same weight. She looks really well, has an all over tan instead of hiding behind a tankini and is back on track with full packs.

Right, see you soon

Sam xx

Day 71 - My Wedding Dress!

2007-05-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post tonight as will be off to aerobics soon. To be honest I feel quite tired today and would normally be looking for some excuse not to go by now! I also went to Abs Blast this morning and we used the stability ball at the end. I can feel my sit up rate increasing, so am pleased done for the past 3 weeks.

To fill time between going out, I sorted a few more clothes out while the girls were happy playing in the play room next door. Not many small clothes left now, and the ones that are no longer appeal. I tried on a dress with a matching cardigan I wore pre-children fully expecting to still have more to loose to get into it. I can report it fits, and apart from my now wobbly tum which could be corrected with magic pants, looked great. I was gobbed smacked. I then eventually tried on my beautiful hand made wedding dress (made by Davids mum) and also to my shock that fit too. The top bodice was actually too big, while the skirt part fits just right. I had estimated that I was approx 11 stone when I got married, so this seems to fit in with that.

I also remember our honeymoon to Barbados and the variety of bikinis I wore, and I felt fit and healthy then. Yes I had my size hang ups, but I felt so at home there and I was positively small compared to some of the locals.

So here I am today, at the same weight as on my wedding day which was July 99. I Know since then, I have not been any smaller so am starting to feel the gravity of what I am actually achieving.

Part 2 - Back From Aerobics

Thought I would add a bit more, as I think I have realised something. On the way home I passed through the shops and the restaurants/takeaway shops seemed to stick out like beacons! They did earlier today too when the girls and I walked back from the dentist and library. My mind just kept thinking about whether I would ever be able to have a takeaway again, or if like an alcoholic I will have to spend the rest of my life (if I want to be slim) without any!!!!!! I hope so much the more logical option is I can have a takeaway, but in moderation.

Anyway, I think I realised why the desire to have one this week is so strong. It's because I have what feels like a hard week in terms of my stress/out of my comfort zone triggers. I would of made myself feel better in the past by eating, ordering in and no doubt some wine.

My triggers have been having to make up my mind about the job offer and looking at the implications for the family, having a poorly husband (two wisdom teeth out Tuesday, much blood, pain and swollen face), working on Thursday when should be my day off and juggling favours and childcare, having an admin day on Tuesday but not being as productive as I would of liked and so my admin mountain is still huge with no ideas when I could fit another in! To emphasise the point I found myself wandering around the house/kitchen on Tuesday, which pre LL would of eaten all sorts to break up the day and make myself feel better.

Now I have realised why I NEED my comfort food this week, I feel better and hopeful will not be dreaming of Takeaways all my life.

It's weigh day Saturday, so I am looking forward to that. Have no real idea how much I have lost so will not make any predictions this week. I occasionally have crooked thoughts about the exercise I have started again. One of the women who is in my group has said a few times she is not going to do any exercise until she is at goal weight, as muscle weighs more than fat. She says she wants no excuse for the weight not coming off each week. Any advice folks. Lesley you have done so well on the weight loss front, so I am thinking it can't be true, but as I lost 2lbs last week I did wonder a little.

OK, have two packs left so am off for a feast.

Day 67 - Be Careful What You Ask For!!!!

2007-05-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

Back to work today and a chance to put some more of my Action Plans & Experiments in place. To be honest they are quite Back To Basics, but necessary to tackle.

As well as the boxercise challenge, I have also set myself the task of getting out the house in the morning in good time to do nursery/school runs and get to work without being late. More recently it has got so bad the children have missed the allocated breakfast time. Luckily as we have been going since Olivia was about 7 months old we have a good relationship and happily nursery still fed them. Also on school days what with children having strops as about to go out of the door because I refused to take a skipping rope, and mainly me leaving things till last minute (trying to squeeze another task in before we leave which even a shoe horn would struggle with!)we have been late there too. Therefore on work days have set the aim of us all being being ready by 7.30am, with the intention of leaving about 7.45/50am. Have decided x3 snoozes on alarm clock not helping either so given myself an extra 5 minutes in bed, but get up straight away when it goes off. Either that or when Ella flings open our bedroom door, climbs into my side and plonks a wet pull up on my head.

Felt a bit rushed, I was not quite ready for 7.30am, but we did leave on time with plenty of time for breakfast at nursery. A success, and as a result I felt a little more in control. I hasten to add David is great in the morning and always has been.

My other goal or Action plan is to get more early nights. I want to be in bed to sleep by 10pm at least 4 nights per week. I have struggled to do this due to wanting to get value out of the evening, trying to avoid anymore comments from David about him not seeing me, sitting on the computer (we all know what that is like) etc. Anyway, I love reading in bed so have allowed myself time to do this before sleep time so that I don't as is usually the case go to bed, end up reading for an hour and before I know it it's 11pm +.

Finally in designing my experiments (p122) I will look at making time for me to support my self esteem as previously discussed and consider my response before I agree to something whether that's personal or within work. Classic example being the Salsa Party and invites from people that I know at the time I have no interest in going to, but end up saying yes. This is where it gets complicated, hence today's BLOG title!

I had supervision with my boss today, went well and she is easy to talk too. We were looking at last years personal work objectives for me and discussing them over the coming year. I happened to mention about a course I may be interested in attending in the future and tried to establish any flexibility in changing days if necessary to accommodate it. She agreed this was fine. I also mentioned I sometimes miss the buzz of my old job and would not want to loose the crisis/swift response management I have developed over the years now I am doing longer term work. To cut this long story short she wondered if I would be able to cover that team when they are short due to a/l, sick etc. I agreed that was fine and have pencilled something in for July when there will be problems. In that week if I can sort my childcare I said I would be happy to do the Thursday & Friday too for payment and not just swapping as I have been doing for an extra day off somewhere else.

She also asked me if I would ever be interested in being FT again? I said I may want this when girls are both at school, but Ella only 3yrs in December. She then talked about if I wanted it sooner she could offer me the x3 days in my team, and the other x2 in old team. Or if more interested in another years time she could still offer me FT and can ask somebody else she has in mind on a temp basis. We also talked about me having the same 9 day fortnight package that the FT staff have, but due to my childcare I could have a specific day one week and be off, the other I could work from home and I suppose technically could try and juggle my hours so could care for Ella until she at school. MMMMMM, a lot to think about.

I am now in a real dilemma!!!!! I meant what I said about keeping my hand in the old job, but if I'm honest I love the fact I finish on a Wednesday and have two extra days to take Olivia to school, swimming lessons, be with Ella, potter around and generally feel like you do not have to fit your life into Saturday and Sunday. As for the money side ....... when I originally decided to go PT I worried about cash as the main earner. Now David earns a bit more and like everybody told me you get used to it. Plus the more you earn, the more you loose as well as more childcare costs. Will mull it over this week.

Me and my big mouth!!!!!!

From more of a LL front -

I opened the exercise bands tonight and tried a few exercises out of Zest magazine. The girls loved trying them too and helped me decipher the pictures. I was surprised how much resistance they give, so may need to try and give them ago properly. However my hands now smell like rubber, and I have finally realised what it reminds me of! It's been a long time since needed to use such extra bedroom accoutrement's. LOL (just realised not referring to anything battery operated ...... Think I will leave this subject now before ramble on any further)!

Right, need to get my finger out if want reading time for my 10pm curfew.

Night folks xx

Day 65 - Weigh In!

2007-05-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

Was a little shy of my 3lbs aim today to take me to 3 Stone and lost instead 2.2lbs. Initially felt gutted and then woke up when my LLC said I had lost over half a stone in 2 weeks. I am now pleased with it, but in any case will be telling anybody who will listen I have lost 3 stone!

A really good group today, and we have certainly gelled now. We looked at Action Planning (Page 120/WK 11). This looked at setting some specific goals, much like we did in the beginning weeks to keep us motivated. Once it had been explained we were given time to set one there and then. I opted as follows :

GOAL - Try a boxercise/kick fit class at the gym

THINGS I WILL DO - Build up my stamina/fitness with other classes like aerobics for at least a few more weeks.

WHEN I WILL DO THIS - By the time I have finished Foundation

THINGS THAT MIGHT GET IN THE WAY OF ME ACHIEVING THIS - Feeling tired, work, childcare, other projects involved in

HOW MIGHT I SOLVE THIS - Plan & Book the sessions a week in advance so I am aware of my diary

I am really pleased we did this today, and I am glad I have this specific goal. I have wanted to do this class at the gym for so long and never felt confident enough or that it was achievable. I kept telling myself I will do it at some point! At least now I can see light at the end of the tunnel and know I will have a go. If I don't like it, fine. At least I can tick it off the list of things would like to try.

The lady I have talked about before who has lost her weight, and actually did the first week of maintenance has put on just under 2lbs. Of course she feels sad but fully admits she did not follow the rules, She is torn because she wants to stay in our group, but probably really needs to join a Maintenance one so she can continue to succeed. Obviously it's weeks before any of us can join her. I don't want her to fall of the straight and narrow again, so will cross my fingers for her. I did give her a jokey telling off, I hope in a supportive way.

Tonight David is going out with friends (good for him - He He) and usually would look forward to this for many reasons. One of the main ones ordering a Takeaway to eat alone (I hasten to add this was not a secret from David, I just enjoyed treating myself with the food and eating something without a child either wanting some or interupting a meal because they want a wee/reading a story/playing with etc) when he had gone out, kids in bed and being able to watch TV without consent from anybody else. However tonight will go with kids in bed, a bath if any energy followed by either TV/Magazine and an earlier night. I can feel myself looking forward to it I think as much as the pre-LL planning I did deciding on the medicating takeaway.

Let the good times roll!

Day 64 - In the Exercise Zone!

2007-05-11T20:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a funny old week with some highs as well as some unexpected lows. More of that later.

I finally think I am back in the exercise zone and not that going through the motions of doing exercise but preferring to be elsewhere feeling either! Just back from Aerobics and did Abs Blast again this morning. Have booked the same classes for next Friday too. Have also booked Aerobics for Tuesday night, and again hope to be doing that on a weekly basis as I did before starting LL. I kept getting a glimpse of myself in the mirror and feeling proud of how far I had come. Today I wore a sporty sleeveless hooded top which has been in my wardrobe for years. I never felt confident enough to wear it before, but felt great and ultimately NORMAL. I was no longer the fattest one in the class puffing and panting. I also have to admit even though I must of lost some of my stamina, it was easier moving around being nearly 3 Stone lighter.

As I kissed my daughters goodnight before going to Aerobics, Ella watched me put my trainers on and said in a cheerful voice ...... 'Are you going to the gym mummy?'. I answered yes and felt positive that my girls see a mummy who goes out, enjoys sport/activities as well as looking after them.

My sister came to see me this afternoon after she finished work, and usually collects some chips on the way for her dinner (in the past I would of joined her) and brought some for Ella - a so called child's portion (which I shared with Olivia later too). Anyway, I made a vegetable soup and sat down with them to eat. She asked if I was still dieting and felt sorry for me. I said it's fine as David and I will be eating our meal together later. She was happy with that and I surprised myself with the speed of the excuse. Clearly I still haven't told her about LL. I know she will just worry especially as I begin to loose the next stones. She hasn't said it yet, but I am sure the comments will come about 'NOT GOING TOO FAR'.

At work had two more colleagues who not seen me for a while shocked in a pleased way with my weight loss. One said I am half the women I used to be!

Now for the unexpected lows ........

On Tuesday went to another Salsa Party with Natalie. It's the end of our beginners course and we receive a certificate before we start the next level next week. I wore some of my old smaller clothes and felt confident. However in essence it was CRAP!!!!!!! and a complete waste of cash. I forgot my water flavour too so felt like a sado drinking my already flavoured bottle of water while everybody else was drinking mainly alcohol (not that I wanted any, but once again only Natalie knows I am doing LL!). Once again I felt like CRAP, returned home, felt upset and chatted to David about it which was great. He actually knew what I was talking about as had similar feelings (in terms of going out with friends, and wanting to come home after a while).

In essence I left at 9pm, wanted to leave earlier as bored, bored, bored and not really that interested in going through the motions of being sociable with my salsa group. The whole evening was SHIT, I was clearly not bothered by the buffet on offer ..... but I did reflect and wondered if I would of medicated with the buffet had I not been on LL to make myself feel better?

I then felt angry/paranoid that Natalie would of told people I was doing LL, and that was why I didn't have any buffet.

The learning from this is ...... Think before accepting an invitation. If I don't want to do it, don't and stop trying to support others at your own detriment. I have done this most of my life from a young age and I do not want to do it anymore. Ultimately I had doubts when I was invited and I wished I had gone to Aerobics!

Also at work had a strange moment with a colleague who I sit next to. Not sure have mentioned her before, but we have not worked together long so are still getting to know each other but enjoy some funny banter. We chatted on Tuesday about what we got up to at the weekend, so I told her I went for a skin analysis at Elemis and told her about what they said (one wrinkle forming, poor skin, open pores, not as much sun damage as I thought etc). I said I was prompted to go as I had used Clinque for many years and wanted a change. At which point she laughed and told me she uses Dove to wash her face and couldn't imagine anybody saying they were bored of Clinque! She also asked, as she has done before, where do I find the time to go out, exercise, look after my skin. I successfully laughed it off and we eventually got on with our work. I think this comment just tapped into how I have been feeling in terms of whether I am spending too much time/money on myself, you know with the extra baths, gym, salsa, always trying on clothes and experimenting with different looks now I am slimmer and making time to pamper myself . I kept telling myself I am actually quite low maintenance by some women's standards IE washing my face with Clinque in the shower each morning, then a quick wipe with the toner and a bit of moisturiser, I can never be bothered to do the nightime part, which is probably why my skin is so poor at the moment.

So for the second time on Tuesday I felt uncomfortable and out of control which I am sure would of resulted in too much comfort food. Had other uncomfortable moments, but were part of the same coin when I shared with somebody about LL. I told them I had not told anybody at work, and she was happy to keep it that way. Immediately after I felt vulnerable and wished I had not told her.

Come on ladies, why have I got such a problem with certain people knowing I am doing LL. At different points I have felt like a fraud when people want to know the secret to my diet. Also, any comments regarding me spending time on myself greatly appreciated. I think I have got so wrapped up in my LL bubble I am unsure if I have become obsessive.

Day 60 - More Strange Feelings/Thoughts!

2007-05-07T14:28:00.000-07:00

To cut a very long set of thoughts short, I asked David if he thought it would ruin my hard work if I ate something?

Previously I have had this as an internal dialogue, but have never let my guard down and vocalised that to him. He offered some brief sensible advice but to be honest he tried to move the situation on and not dwell on it. He also made himself a cheese sandwich for his evening meal instead of either ordering form the takeaway or cooking something which I felt was a good move for me. I then made a pack and happily ate that. I had this conversation while I emptied a couple of food cupboard of out of date food (including x5 bags of different flours all out of date ... our bread maker is now redundant!).

For the last few days been thinking about food and how I want us all to eat as a family. I found myself watching one of the shopping channels that was showcasing 'THE NICER DICER'. I was hooked. For anybody who has not seen one, it basically chops fruit, veg, cheese, you name it in two different sizes without mess. It showed you how to make a great salsa and was using lovely fresh produce. It was for sale at the obscene price of £37 once you had added the postage. I liked it, but not that much. I just imagined when I am back into food how brill it would be to quickly make a variety of salads. I think since I have got further into the program I have relaxed a bit more around food whether that's watching cooking on the TV, looking at recipes in magazines etc. Maybe this has added to my interest in food.

That said, apart from verbalising eating with David, It has never been an option to eat, even if I may of fantasied about it from time to time. I have come too far, and In my thought record have told myself if I was going to eat, it would be a planned special occasion and not some random day eating something ill advised and substandard.

While on the food subject, David, Ella and I went to McDonald's after we dropped Olivia at yet another party, and it was too far to go home. David had not eaten, so had a meal, Ella had some fruit and a drink, and you've guessed it I had a black coffee and a few bites of a bar. I began to think about a typical Saturday prior to LL. I may well of managed a decent breakfast of porridge made with soya milk, fresh blueberries & natural yogurt on the top. That's if I'd not gone down the buttery toast and sweet tea route! I would of had a quarter pounder with cheese meal, chips and strawberry milkshake. Filled self up with snacks until children gone to bed and then shared a takeaway with David, lets say an Indian meal (the works) and eaten about 9pm. Two takeaways in one day, neither a healthy choice and lets not forget alcohol.

While remembering this typical day, I got a sudden pang of being frightened. I was not sure if this was because I could no longer act like this when I return to food, or because I was starting to dream of future Saturday nights once off the packs. Was the latter reason showing I was heading for a slippery slope, and actually I had not learnt anything over the last weeks? Could I manage my food forever? will I eventually give up and be fat again?

I decided to get my Foundation book out as not looked at it for a while or done any exercises. I had not got my head around Thought Records, so read about them, and committed to doing one every night to get me focused.

On a positive note I have not eaten anything, at least I am dreaming of healthy meals and am still aware food is a danger for me.

I will succeed at this and I just need to remember how GOOD it feels to receive compliments, forever changing clothes size, and looking normal.

This Year I have many things to look forward to, here are some of them ........

Holiday in August
Christmas family gathering 2007, most of them will not of seen me since last year
Seeing my Gran and friends who have not seen me since I started he diet
Getting to goal weight of 9st something
Proving those silly crooked thoughts and doubters wrong

PS ..... I eventually ordered a NICER DICER off Ebay for £12 delivered! I will be making Salads galore for David as soon as it arrives!

http://www.bestdirect.tv/product-Nicer-Dicer--Free-Perfect-Peeler-BDA07641.htm

Day 58 - Weigh In ....... 8 Weeks, 2 Days!

2007-05-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

Have lost 5 3/4 Lbs this week and hopefully by next week will be classed as OVERWEIGHT as opposed to OBESE! Of course I am chuffed to pieces and have reached my ambitious target of over 2 St 7 Lbs in 8 weeks (well 39lbs or just realised 3lbs off 3 Stone!). In my head I am ahead of the game by half a stone of the predicted 3 stone lost in the 100 days of abstinence.

My group and the LLC were lovely as ever today and said they could really notice the weight difference on me now, which feels great to hear. The lady I talked about last week who had her birthday looks better each week, and even managed to loose weight despite a few birthday treats. As a group we all seem to agree if people are going to eat in abstinence for whatever reason, planing is the way forward. This is opposed to arriving at the function and eating all courses and then some!

I asked my husband to measure my height once and for all today so I could stop convincing myself either way that I was taller than 5ft.1 or worse smaller. The height has come out in my favour and I am pleased to report I am 5 ft 2. Result I cry. However when I looked at the LL BMI chart we were all given today I see that allows me to be 61.6kg as opposed to 60.1kg (at the top end of being healthy). Well every little helps. I will now put the BMI debate to rest until the 14 weeks is up, and see where I am then.

My body aches after Abs Blast, but in a comforting, yes I must of done something way.

Today in the group we looked at the games people play. I just sat there and felt this game playing is what happens between me and hubby. He tells me he feel unwell/not right, I offer him the vitamins or dietery advice, he then ignores me and I resort to the frying pan! Right am going to try and not play his game and leave it to him. Will only offer support if he really wants it. Watch this space!!!!!!

OK, gang have arrived home so better offer some parenting support for fear of being a crap wife and mother for going out all morning at LL! Plus Olivia has another party to get ready for.

May see you later xxx

Quick Addition

2007-05-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

OK, back form the disco which was great. Olivia was happy, dancing with her friends and a few boys to boot!

Ella in bed, Olivia just fallen asleep on hubby so all right with the world.

Hubby looked tired as he about to go and get some chips so I asked him if he is OK?

He did his I'm not long for this world face and made some comment about feeling like crap again!!!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhh. Why did I ask? I asked if he had started to take to vitamins again I bought him? NO.

Still looking pathetic, I said something along the lines of ...... 'I hope we are not going to have this circular conversation again or else I will have to go to the kitchen and hit you around the face with a frying pan'. (in my defence, as well he knows I would never do this and do not support domestic violence!). At that point he took his sorry ass off to the chip shop, so I have jumped on her to log the typical example I am talking about!!!!!!!

Thanks Lesley & Chris for your words of wisdom. Of course would have him over any other type of chap, but ..........

Better go, he will be back with his chips and I need to fit in two packs.

Night Night xxx

Day 57 - Abs Blast!

2007-05-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

Thought it was finally time to do something about my very very slack tum instead of grabbing it in a very unflattering way as proof of childbirth!

Today I put youngest in Leisure Centre Creche (ladies chirped up about not seeing me for a while!) and joined a sea of fit looking men and women at Abs Blast. Already committed but thinking had made dreadful mistake I got through the class and felt I could congratulate myself for getting my bum back into the gym. Also on a positive note daughter did not cry for the entire time in the creche and agreed she will go back next week. The lady at the side of me said it gets better after 4 weeks so have booked myself in for next Friday, 9.45am.

On an exercise note I am still enjoying my salsa class, and on Wednesday it was the last class. There is another Salsa gathering next Tuesday where they have laid on a buffet (Help!!!!!!!) and we collect our certificates for completing the past 8 weeks. The week after we can sign up for the next level. I think I will sign up for the next level as if nothing else it gets me out the house and now we are getting more energetic will burn a few calories.

As for next Tuesday, Natalie and I have decided to go, I will just have to have a pack before I go, and perhaps take a bar in event need to nibble. I did survive open buffet for 21/2 hours last Sunday when took daughter to a party. Food looked yummy ..... all bite size and available! Held my nerve and had half a bar while helping kids on the bouncy castle.

Weight loss is still going well and the clothes are really starting to hang off me now! When I dropped oldest off at school I met a couple of mums who had not seen me up close for a while who were positive about my weight loss. They know I am on LL and wanted to know how much I had lost and in how many weeks. I told them 2st 7lbs (well I hope to be this by Saturday as only 2lbs off) and they did those mock jealous/sad faces I have done in the past when somebody looks great/lost weight/achieved something. All in good humour. I felt on top of the world because it was me this time that had lost weight. Youngest and I than ran to Sainsbury's for a few emergency supplies, then off to the gym as said above.

Tonight my oldest, OK it's Olivia (5yrs) ... I can't bothered to keep this up. My youngest is Ella (2yrs). Anyway Olivia is at her first school disco so I have offered to help out in the hall. She has told her friends and is excited her mummy is going to help. I am glad she is not yet embarrassed of me!

What else have I been up to?

Well the half way point shopping trip to Leeds is off. My friends have a range of excuses but to be honest I am quite pleased about it. We have re-arranged for June so this will be closer to my 100 days being over and in turn closer to goal weight. I may even be able to but some clothes that won't be hanging off me 2 weeks later, LOL.

I have also made a few calls career wise about courses for the future so hope packs of information will be on their way soon.

On the downside have had a few words with hubby it feels like most days this week. In a nut shell I love him and know what he is like, however even more so than usual am sick to death of him moaning and doing nothing about it! Generally this issue covers his health, job, hobbies (NONE), seeing his friends (doing nothing to arrange a night out) and so it goes on .......

Now, none of these traits are new and I have from time to time said a few words about all of them, so again nothing new. What feels different to me this time is that I am getting even less patient about his lack of drive to live his life. His glass is always half empty. Not sure what else to say, and I am sure will re-visit this again in the BLOG. I also know I do have a great hubby in so many other ways ........ never worry about an affair, great at DIY, happy to care for his children and even modified his hours to accommodate them Thu & Fri, loves me fat or thin, is home most of the time when says he will be so I can go to Salsa, gym, meet friends etc and would always want me to do what makes me happy. Lets not forget he has been supportive on this LL plan albeit sceptical at first.
Mmmmmmm, maybe I need to get this in perspective?

Day 54 - I Think?

2007-05-01T20:33:00.000-07:00

I'm Still here on this great LL Program working through my 8th week without a cheat! Can't believe something that sounded so extreme is working for me and my head feels so clear of clutter (most of the time) I can focus on the important things. Anybody thinking of trying LL, I could not encourage them enough, and I'm not on commission!

Anyway..... been busy, busy, busy and missed logging on. I've had to be quite strict with myself and tell myself sometimes it was too late at night to start writing my BLOG or reading everybody else's. It's never a quick job, and I have been getting to bed far to late and feeling rough in the morning because of it. Can't believe the children are bathed, snacked and in bed and I have managed to get on at a reasonable time.

Weigh Day was last Saturday and another 3 1/4 LBS off. As ever eye on the next weeks prize and I have worked out need just a couple of lbs off to make 2 Stone 7 Lbs! Am sure will make this so am on target for my aim of another Stone off by week 10. I am still doing well on the drinking front, but apart from the previous weigh in of 6lbs not helped this weeks average to increase. I know just being greedy now.

I am really happy to be over half way through foundation and starting to feel food is in sight. Don't get me wrong I'm not wishing I was eating or dreaming about it, but I am thinking about what healthy choices I want to make in the future. Not because the diet book says so, but because I want to. I have been thinking about what I may do on my birthday (not till June and after the 100 days are up). This is because others have /will be going on holiday, attending events/birthdays etc and have said they have either eaten or will be doing. I had put this thinking eventually to rest last time it was playing on my mind, but I wondered if maybe I should allow myself either a healthy meal out or make one for my birthday? Not sure if crooked thoughts, but I hope to be quite close to my goal and have told myself if this is for the rest of my life (eating well/healthy), then why not? Will probably see how I feel nearer the time and I think need to give myself permission either way.

On a real positive stroke note, on Monday I had a induction meeting with a new worker from another team to tell her about my role and do introductions of my staff. I went to see my boss, current staff team, and people I used to manage. In total four sets of people who had not seen me for a while said I looked great and noticed my weight loss. I have to say I felt quite embarrassed by the end as I was still showing this women around the building, but I did thank people and give them a twirl. As the comments increased going around the building I started to believe I do look different more and more. I was also wearing clothes I had got out the 'Too Small Box' and found they fit, and the two skirts had on so far are even a bit big really. Both 18's, however as we all know, were smaller 18's than the ones I had been wearing which have gone into the 'Too Big Box'.

Day 46 - Good & Bad!

2007-04-23T20:36:00.000-07:00

BAD -

Today it took me over an extra hour to get to work due to an accident on my normal route. Instead of panicking about all the jobs I had to do, and the meeting I was likely to miss I felt calm. I wasn't going to get to work any faster was I? Clearly I have been delayed before but instead of thinking of how inconvenient it was to me, I only had to think about those and their families in the accident.

Anyway, got to work and had a most unproductive day. Just could not be bothered even though had some admin time, which is much sort after, to get some key task done. Ultimately spoke to few people, read emails and hopefully offered some sensible advice to a colleague who upset about ever increasing workload.

Thought a walk around the shops would clear my mind at lunchtime and add to the steps. As I walked around the smells of and people with food in their hands seemed to have NEON over them! Not sure what that was about. It was never an option to eat, but I did find myself weighing up how crap I would feel if ate a chicken,bacon & cheese baguette from GREGGS!!!!!!!
I also noticed the generally out of shape people eating such stuff and convinced myself it was not the place I want to be anymore.

I managed to distract myself with a trip into Debenham's to see if any cheap bargains on the racks as meant to be 70% sale. Grabbed a handful and tried them on (two size 16 Jeans & three size 14 tops, the latter I was hopeing would come in when lost more weight as reduced quite a lot). First Jeans were Boot Cut so was looking forward to confirming had lost 2 Stone!!!!!! How wrong I was. My current 18's from Next are very baggy however these 16's (Red Herring) were snug in all the intimate places shall we say, albeit I was able to fasten them. The next jeans I tried on were straight leg and I could not even get them on. Over to the tops ...... First one I managed to squeeze on after much adjustment and the sound of very stretched stitching (eventually discovered it was a bloody size 12 on the 14 hanger), along with another with an elasticated bit and bat wings made me think I had not lost any weight at all. The final one was easier to get on but looked awful with Jeans. Feeling rather dejected I gave the x2 tops and one of the pairs of jeans back to the assistant. I decided to buy the SNUG Jeans and top on the basis the Jeans were reduced from £30 to £9 and the top from£25 to £6 and will fit a few pounds down the line or I could return them within 28 days if push came to shove. I also popped back over to the original sale rack and found a real size 14 and bought that.

Back to work, still demotivated, drank more coffee than wanted and struggled to get the water down me.

GOOD -

In sorting out everybodys school, nursery and work outfits for Tuesday I started going through my wardrobe to see if any of the two pairs of work trousers I have with labels still attached, size 16's would fit yet as my only been wearing 2/3 week others look silly and too baggy which will wear for the rest of this week.

First pair fit, look nice and could wear now but would benefit with a few more pounds off. Second, different shop, are already too loose! After showing hubby have decided on balance rather than wear either of them, will keep labels on and see if can recoup some of my wasted money and get them on EBAY.

Next I thought would try on again today's haul and showed hubby. I have to say (children still up) he had a twinkle in his eye and said for one I needed a smaller size (bless him). The original 12 that I thought was a 14 looked nice enough to wear now, as did the other 14 with different bottoms on. I felt so chuffed. I then showed him the jeans, however I looked at myself again and realised I do look slimmer in the new ones compared to my current baggy 18's. Hubby really liked them too and said I could wear them now. I do value his opinion as I can see in his face if tells me the truth or not!

Again as said above, go to the wrong shop and the item does not fit can make you feel like you haven't achieved anything. I feel really happy now about my bargains and look forward to thinning out more clothes soon.

Off for my last pack of the day, and hopefully another Litre of water

Night Night.

PS got my new hair straighters.

So hot I burned my head this morning. What a liability! LOL

Day 44 - Weigh Day!

2007-04-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

Shall cut to the chase ...... Lost 6 LBS this week!

I have now reached just over my Two Stone loss in 6 weeks.

I didn't believe my LLC when she told me. It seems the increased water is the way to go, so have started from today to fill in the water log in my Record Book. My personal aim each day, or perhaps 4/5 days out of 7 is have at least 5 litres. If I can only manage the 4 litres other days then think that is fine.

As promised to myself will be taking a trip into town Sunday to find my hair straighteners. I can't wait. My friend has reminded me I need to think about my next incentive. I think that must be my trip to Leeds shopping with the girls on 5th May.

This week we looked at Hot Thoughts and keeping a Thought Diary. The LLC gave examples and I decided to share my Salsa Night experience. I felt chuffed I am getting the counselling, as some, although we are at different stages/weeks have said they are not quite there. Talking this through at the group has made me realise I will succeed at this, I understand myself (most of the time) and I am pleased to say that some of my groups of friends are taking away bits of what I discuss with them into their own life. So much so, my suggestion of bowling weeks ago needs to get sorted as an alternative to meal out and booze.

One lady at the weigh in today has now got a BMI of 24. She is really happy and wants to reach a personal goal of loosing 3 stone in total. She does not have far to go now, and I think she is about Week 9. She has bagged up the smaller clothes as they have become too big but has decided not to get rid of them. She says she has done this before on past diets. I asked her if she believed she had cracked it this time? She is not sure it's fair to say mentally and still thinks she is overweight. She looks lovely!!!!!!

I spoke to my LLC about my feelings around the BMI. She confirmed lots of people feel like this, but whatever I decide she will support me nearer the time which I thought was great. I do feel better about it now and already started to think maybe I could loose a bit more than 10st 7lbs?

Anyway thanks for the as ever brill advice. I do need to cross the bridge when I come to it and today I am happy with 2 Stone off and the control I have back in my life.

Time for me to gather the children up now after having a totally disgusting mushroom soup. It seems I have now gone off this one too. I have promised my oldest that we could soak our feet in the foot spa and be girly and then we could cut our claws.

Well it's 5 litres down, can manage another before bed. Hopefully catch up with all the BLOGS when babies finally gone to bed,

Sam xx

Day 43 - BMI

2007-04-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

I have finally got round to looking at a healthy BMI for my height to enable me to try and get some idea what weight I would be happy with and set some real goals.

I knew my ideal weight range was 8st.2lbs - 9st.3lbs, however I think I thought above those weights there was some leeway and still be within a healthy BMI. I always believed that those weights were far too low for me.

I sort of was getting my head into thinking 10st 7lbs was probably a good weight for me, as like most of us this weight had not been achieved for too many years to mention. Also I thought I would be pushing myself that bit further.

Well, I realise now to have a healthy BMI of just above 24, I need to weigh around 9st 5lbs. I feel really, really gutted! I can feel my motivation for the diet running out of me, and I don't think I have felt like this any other time over the weeks.

Maybe I shouldn't of looked at the BMI charts, or perhaps I am going through what everybody else does eventually. IE thinking that the low weights are far too hard to achieve, then look back at this time and laugh when we realise we have surpassed the higher end of a healthy BMI!!!!!!!!

HELP Me ........

I do not know what 9st something looks like but I know I do not want to be skin and bone. I also do not want to feel like living at that weight is such an effort. Now I do not mean my food demons, I understand the life long sentence. What I mean is trying to maintain 9st means less food than 10st 7lbs (doesn't it). I realise I can't return to my old eating habits but that's very different to eating like a mouse and claiming I'm full after eating a salad.

Please somebody give me advice on this one as do not want to give up.

I remember when I did WW many many moons ago. Well I did well, but perhaps half to a stone off target I spent weeks messing about, or so I thought. I could not get past my then current weight, and I have to say I looked good. I was also really active in various sports/exercise classes etc. Eventually I stopped going as did not want to admit defeat and pick my own weight to stick to rather than their ideal. I kept the weight off for a year, but gradually put it back on. My biggest regret I did not do their maintenance plan.

This situation is making me feel like the WW scenario!!!!!

Day 40 - Water Plan

2007-04-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have recovered after my Salsa Night and not thought of a takeaway since. Thanks to those of you who were checking to make sure I'd not gone over the edge!

I have not always been getting enough water down me, and it seems noticeable the people that do are having an even better weight loss than me, so set myself a challenge on work days. It's hard when travelling or in meetings and you are not sure where your next toilet is! (or the opportunity!).

Yesterday and today I managed to drink one litre on the way and another litre on the way back from work. I also marked down how many glasses of water had in work with the minimum expectation I have one litre in the morning and another in the afternoon. This was easy to manage so by 6pm I have had four litres. Then as a bonus I manage at least another litre during the evening without having to drink up till bedtime and making frequent trips to the loo during the night.

As another incentive I have found another draw of smaller clothes and am back in some black cropped trousers I used to live in HE HE. Could do with a few more pounds lost around the bottom, but know I wore them previously when tighter than this!!!!!

I have also gone through my current stock of clothes and removed all the maternity tops I still wear!!!! Not to go out in, but around the house and garden as comfy clothes. I eventually realised that they were also doing nothing for my smaller figure and in any case I have plenty of scruffs in smaller sizes to chill out in. I have added them to the rest of the maternity wear just in case ......

It's weigh day on Saturday and am 4lbs off to get to my 2 stone off. If I just miss it, it will be off the week after and either way I can't grumble for 6 weeks work. I am going to treat myself to new hair straightners. (been saying this for years and always convinced myself I did not reach the goal I set and did not deserve them).

Therefore have just over 8 weeks to go on Foundation and my thoughts have turned to working out how much I could loose by the end. I know we have all talked about this previously but this helps to motivate me. Am trying not to set silly goals, but clearly am in line for another stone off, and hope like mad make it 2 in the next 8 weeks. We'll have to see.

I am determined that whatever happens when I feel happy, healthy and trim I will settle at that weight, and not let anybody tell me I need to loose more! Not going to make the same previous WW mistake and ruin my hard earned weight loss because will not conform to somebody else ideal.

Day 37 - Weigh Day & Salsa Dance Party!!!

2007-04-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

Attended my group today and looked at Crooked Thoughts. These are the all or nothing statements we tell ourselves like one of my past personal favourites ..... 'I'm crap at diets and can never stick to them for more than a week'. The idea for this weeks homework is to look at x3 achievements per day and log them. I assume this is to help us realise things are generally not as bad as we sometimes tell ourselves and we all usually have some positives each day.

This week I have lost 3Ibs, so am very pleased. Truth be told was hoping for 3.5Ibs as want to loose 2 stone by next week! I know, never satisfied. Will just have to work my ass off and do an aerobics class this week or something. In reality I know I have lost 2 Stone (naked) remembering past higher weights so I am still chuffed. I also realised when weighed self this morning that in the scheme of things I am not too far away from nudging just under the 12 st mark! I cannot remember the last time I was 11st something!!!!! HE HE

Tonight my friend and I went to a salsa party arranged by our salsa teacher. The ticket cost £6 and included a dance lesson as well as admission to the club till 1am. Cheap bar, well it would be for me and I enjoyed plenty of soda water with St Clements. Felt good water wise as managed the 4 litres early in the day which was a first. The Party was open to everyone and we met people from other classes in Nottingham as well as Derby. I really enjoyed the lesson and he showed us even more moves. These are getting far too intimate for my liking. LOL. Steph, have you tried the one where you interlock your elbows, move around and are far too close for comfort? We then move up and down!

After that, the people who had been dancing for at least a couple of months had a lesson which was great to watch. They looked really professional. I did feel a little sad and wished hubby was there, however I accept it's just not his bag. Eventually it was just left to people to dance like any normal disco, well with Salsa music only. Again it was lovely to watch people and as I said to my friend, if we wanted to, we could of either danced together or with the men scattered about.

However as the evening wore on I suddenly had a thought that I needed something to eat/a takeaway!

Where did that come from as I know as was not actually hungry, but in any case I had a bar in my bag which I could munch on. I eventually realised that my sudden urge to eat was because I was out of my comfort zone. Whenever I go to a club, whether with or without alcohol, if the music is right I can dance. I can also choose to dance with or without friends if I so wish. At the Salsa Party I felt out of control because I neither had my own man to dance with, or if quite honest didn't want to dance with some of the misfits strolling around (sorry to be unkind ..... but I did feel at least relieved I was not on the look out for a partner as would of been very disappointed. Note to self, touch wood so Hubby does not decide to leave me, LOL).

Once I realised the reason for the emotional hunger I started to return to normality again. I suppose I knew I was a bit of a control freak on some levels but was also shocked a little that a simple thing like the party could of set me off on a downward spiral (had I been eating) and I would not of worked out why. If made a poor food choice I think I would of told myself how rubbish I was for not sticking to the diet. I then thought about how many other occasions I may of eaten due to being out of my comfort zone, not realised and eaten for the world!

I have to say I am loving LL for making me so self aware. I hope so much once I return to food I don't forget all this and can remember all these things for life.

Day 36 - BRATZ

2007-04-13T01:36:00.000-07:00

Today I took my older daughter and two of her friends to see Bratz at the Nottingham Ice Arena. I had noticed the advert months ago and not told her about it so it was a nice surprise nearer the time. She like most little girls loves Bratz and has a collection of the various sorts available (a marketers dream as one of my friends often tells me!).

I got a bit of an insight into what you do when you are 5/6yrs as the girls were dressed in Bratz T-Shirts, had hand bags and one girl even had a mirror and lipstick! MMMMMM? That's another issues for another day! They all chatted away, hyper off the scale with excitement and giggled almost constantly. It was a real thrill to see my daughter act like this and be happy as I don't always see this side of her, or maybe I'm too busy to see it.

The concert was fab, we had great seats and plenty of tat was bought for all (£15 per child not including the tickets!!!!!) I know I completely spoiled them but they were really well behaved and I enjoyed doing it for them.

On a practical LL note I took a selection of snacks and drinks for them and a large bottle of water and a bar for me. Again it makes you realise how much I could of eaten had I not been on LL.

I also bought a copy of Zest magazine as I noticed it had a runners plan in it. I could not find mine from last year when I started training for Race For Life (didn't do in the end) so thought would start this again soon as I managed a few weeks carrying more weight. Should be easier, I hope. Any tips Lesley?

Day 33 - Life on Mars?

2007-04-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

Did anybody like the ending for Life on Mars? To be honest for the second series only watched the first few as lost interest.

Back at work today, not as bad as built it up as. Was on duty but all manageable tasks and reasonable demands. Glad only one more day to go, although days off are packed to rafters of things to do.

Thanks for the support following my bad day yesterday. It's over now, and a few more days into week 5 which is no bad thing. I have weighed myself today and think lost a few pounds but will have to wait and see. I know I shouldn't but needed a bit of motivation.

Had a positive comment today from somebody I used to work with who not seen me for some months or more. At first she made some comment about whether I was pregnant as had I now realise very baggy top on. She then said I had lost weight and quizzed me as to why was wearing the clothes I had on as basically they did nothing for me. I took the comments in the spirit they were intended and later looked in the mirror and also agreed I looked like a right bag of washing. I ironed a blouse this morning as was happy enough it fastened and had some room in compared to the last time I had it on. However to be fair it had too much room in it which made me look even bigger although lost some weight.

Think after it's been in the wash, another item for charity. Also had on a skirt not had on for a while, it kept moving around all day. Think can get some more wear out of that, but very happy I am getting smaller.

Off to bed to look at free boots magazine and am too tired to go through wardrobe now. Maybe save that for when feeling low again.

Note - This week I am craving bread!

Day 32 - Feel Crap!

2007-04-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

Should of been in bed hours ago as feel very tired and generally feel crap. Not ill, but just not myself.

I know it's work Tuesday so wonder if a bit of it is about being back when had such fun pottering around with my family. On a positive note would of ordered a takeaway to console myself after probably eating my way through many hunks of bread with butter during the day, not forgetting huge bits of cheese! Actually realising this has made me feel a little better.

Have just made vanilla ice-cream. Think I added too much water as does not taste too strong. Not sure whether to throw it or not. Am going to bed with my LL book to remind myself how far have come and make sure drink all the water Tuesday. Not sure had enough today.

Day 31 - Play House Heaven

2007-04-08T22:55:00.000-07:00

Today I have spent most of the day pottering in the garden and painting inside and out the girls playhouse. It's light pink inside, Blue with white contrast on the outside, and the inside of the door is a slightly darker pink. I really really enjoyed getting lost in doing this for my babies, the only irritation was them wanting to know if it was ready and trying to visit me while I was up the ladder. How dare they want to play in it. Will be all dry and ready for them Monday.

Our friend popped round early evening and brought the girls an easter pressie and eggs (he is a great God Father to them). Anyway, our usual 'RITUAL' when he pops round as we don't get to see him too often is we share a takeaway when the girls have gone to bed.

I could of easily just ignored this, but asked him to stay and have a takeaway, well asked Hubby to. Not sure what he said but by the time I came back in with the menus hubby had told him I would not be eating, so I told him a bit about LL. He is easy going so made no odds to him. To be honest I had on very baggy painting clothes so not the best outfit to show him how much I had already lost even though I still fished for compliments!

They opted for a Pizza Hut set menu (mine & hubby's usual, or should I say one of the many 'usual'! especially the spicy crunch chicken. Well they ate it, I drank water and later had a chicken pack. To be honest I even surprised myself how easy this was for me.

I look forward of course to my occasional take away in the future, but I am determined not to return to them as a regular occurrences or more importantly to console and comfort me for a rough day.

Also had a great time out last night with the girls. Thought was going to get thrown out a few times when added some St Clements in the bars to soda water, but apart from that really enjoyed it. I seem to have a new problem, advice needed if have any.

Friend said she felt bad drinking alcohol when I wasn't, even though I said I was having a good time and didn't need anything. Not sure if I have already said this but really not missing alcohol and it's great being able to drive into town, park and then drive home again without hassle of a taxi or wondering if had too many units to drive home. Thinking about it, it feel quite liberating. They wanted to know when I could drink again!

Our shopping trip to Leeds for the day once we each reach a certain goal has now turned into an overnight & shopping! Not sure how I feel about this. Evey time we go away we have always, always had an adventure. It's never planned, but we seem to attract or find action. Not opposed to yet another adventure to add to our history but wonder if it will be the same with no alcohol. MMMM, will have to think about this one. I know seem to be contradicting self here in terms of alcohol.

Today's Food pack Heaven is choc one with a little Fruits of Forest made into a thick dessert. Why have I never tried it before. Just think how creative we will all be once we have more ingredients! LOL

Bed time now. Need my energy for more Garden Centres, planting and possibly make some playhouse curtains.

Sam xx

Day 30 - Weigh In!

2007-04-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

This is a great diet! Never before have I expected so much and it has actually delivered.

This week I have lost 3 1/4 Ibs taking me just over

1 Stone and 7 Pounds in 30 days.

How Brill is that? I feel sure with any other diet I would of : -

Cheated;
Lost approx 7Ibs;
Already feeling bored; and
Not been analysing my attitude to food.

Today in the group there was only three of us and our LLC (holidays etc, people weighed and went). We still had a good sessions looking at various issues one of which was eating during abstinence!!!! the LLC advised that in her previous group most of them (think it's developers) were eating, were not in ketosis and even put on weight. I asked my LLC if everybody eventually eats? She said no, and talked about a women who has lost so much weight in 4 months (think 5/6 stone) who is so positive. She never ate during the plan. To be honest I am glad this discussion is out in the open and it's given me renewed confidence to continue without feeling it's inevitable that I will eat. Still need to take one day at a time but blimey I am on day 30!

On another really positive note, some of my friends wanted to catch up today/tonight. I wasn't looking forward to it as just wanted to chill out at home with my family in the garden. I wanted to help put up the girls playhouse which we took from our old house, and this time paint inside and generally make it as good as new again. (we moved last July and it's been flat packed ever since). Anyway I phoned one of my friends after today's class and she was so considerate about wanting to know what I wanted to do. I said I was happy to go out into town and have my fizzy water, could do with a chat and see them. As before when time comes for the normal 'RITUAL' of a curry I will go home. Friend said will happily take something home rather than eat out. Felt really pleased that they taking on board what I am doing, and as a consequence can go and paint playhouse and also go out for a few drinks tonight.

Now, what shall I wear? I did contemplate nipping to a shop to see if could find a cheap and cheerful outfit, but to be honest my wardrobe is hardly empty.

I hope you all have a good Easter and weight loss. Thank you for the great and supportive comments on my ramblings. Hopefully will catch up with everybodys BLOGS over the break.

Take Care

Sam xx

Day 26 - More Tabasco?

2007-04-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

No pearls of wisdom today, just a straight forward diary.

Hubby been shopping and bought me a red Tabasco, and two other things of same ilk for me to try. One unfortunately has papaya in it, so assume that's out. The other seems OK, and he said was half the price of Tabasco so will give it a go. Hubby doing shopping for the third week running is a real positive as after an initial rant (to be honest been saying this for ages!) he has taken full responsibility for shopping for food, planing his own meals and getting stuff in for the kids. Prior to LL this was such a bind for me. I mostly did shop on the net to get it delivered (as well as many trips to shops for extras!!!) but at the end of day I was always responsible for everybodys meal planning and generally cooking it. As you can imagine I love food but even while doing the Food Doctor Diet, and hubby enjoyed the food, I felt so dam responsible alllllllllll the time. This seemed to spill into everything.

Anyway, I'm glad he is doing the shop and moves something off my list.

Another day followed on the program, and read some great Blogs today. Thanks everybody for the support.

Off to bed now for a proper early night, well will look at a few magazines which arrived today but at least less time getting square eyes on the computer.

Ps. Wore a old skirt to work today which loose instead of being so tight looks as if I am still pregnant! Maybe after get to 1st 7Ibs will move a few clothes in and out of wardrobe.

Day 25 - Who Would of Thought This!

2007-04-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

If my calculations are correct, I have bloody made it to day 25!

That does feel like a milestone and is easier for me to digest rather than 100 days!!!!!

Today I have worked at home, been productive and loved being able to collect my girls without the full on battle of trying to get out the office and living in traffic on the way home.

Something I have realised is that I easily stuck to the packs, did not wander to the fridge once and was not tempted to deviate. There would of been no witnesses! I must start to see this is an achievement, as even on another form of diet I think I would of been in and out the kitchen more times than a fiddlers elbow. Even if managed to convince myself it was all within the rules of that particular diet.

This week I have mostly had in my head the words of my LLC. She said on this diet, you do not get hungry and does not actually believe anybody who says they are hungry. This keeps playing in my mind when I think I need a meal. It has been helpful as it seems to shake me back to reality and I try and work out if it's time for a pack or I need to take my mind of food.

Today been emailing with friends, and some have been asking how the diet is going. They are mostly interested in the counselling. I gave them a snippet from this weeks sessions on how I have interpreted it (you've seen it here first!LOL). One friend then talked about going to the shop at the weekend for one bar of choc, but instead came away with bag full of choc including large Easter egg. Needless to say she felt like crap when she viewed wrappers the next day. Now this women is slim, and shows us all it does not matter what size we all are, the emotions/binge/you name it get us all one way or another.

She asked if LL have or will give me the answer? I hope I replied correctly and said something along the lines.....

Maintenance will gives us support when we return to food, but ultimately the answer lies with us as individuals. That LL is personally giving me the space to try and understand why I eat when full/not hungry and also how some of my habits and ideas are linked to either childhood or other experiences. I said that to be honest I may well always have food demons, but I hope knowing where they come from will help me face them logically rather than just following a conventional diet and eventually failing.

Well that's Sam's wisdom for tonight. It makes sense to me anyway.

Time for the last pack of the day, you've guessed it something with Tabasco.

See Ya

PS. has anybody got/know anybody who has a FIT BUG? See link . http://www.fitbug.com/uk.consumer,fl,4

I just fancy one so can see progress online, but am already spending a small fortune on this so would welcome any comments or reviews first

Thanks Sam

Day 23 - Weigh Day!

2007-03-31T21:27:00.000-07:00

Before Session (10:10am) -

I really look forward to Saturdays now because it's both weigh in day and I really want to get something out of the counselling. Today I think she said she would measure us again and in the book we are going to talk about Psychological Hunger (Week 5 in the book). We also get a exercise DVD and bands. I know if I can crack this, I will be on my way to sorting this part of my life out. Although I miss not have my class on a Thursdays, just because I am an impatient person, it's great getting to the Saturday as I can tell myself I am already well into the next week. I have told myself to be happy with a 3Ib weight loss, although I have to be honest I would love to break into the next weight barrier IE: instead of 13 stone something, to be 12 stone something. In reality I must of done this as we of course get weighed in class with clothes on!

I looked through some old books I had written in, from 1998 and what is so bloody sad and such a waste of time....... I was saying the same old thing about my life and me. Don't get me wrong I have done well in my life IE: family, nice house, career, friends and generally able to make choices which have suited me. But ....... I had still written about feeling unhappy about my body, fitness and lack of commitment and willpower in relation to it. To be honest I was trying to check what was my lowest weight, but I couldn't find it until recent years. My weight was around the point I am now, so I feel psychologically I need to move well past this point to feel like I have achieved.

After LL Group -

I am pleased to say I lost 3.5 Ibs and enjoyed my group today. We talked about how we fill our time and how some of that can be productive, other times not. Again I think it's about being more aware of what you are doing and you specific triggers. We all were given the exercise DVD and bands to use.

When I came home I was itching to do some form of exercise and decided to walk the girls some distance to a shop and back. I managed to clock up 9,000 steps and the girls didn't moan! In the same vein of my earlier part of the post, I feel I want us to be all more active. while it will never be safe again for my girls when they are older to roam the streets with their friends from early morning till tea time like it was for perhaps most of us in the past. I need to be more creative and join them.

There is a quote I came across while on one of my seminars which I loved :-

"If you always do what you've always done you will always get what you've always got"

This sums up for me this diet and the direction I want my life as a whole to move in. Obviously what I have done in the past specific to healthy eating/diets ain't worked!

Day 22 - Chicken & Chips?

2007-03-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

Hubby been for small portion of fish & chips tonight with addition of peas and a fish cake!

He laid the said food out and talked about how he thought that was an adequate portion, and seemed to feel on the righteous side as he picked the mini portion as opposed to normal size. I look at the plate now and it's a huge portion. I suddenly had a flash back to when I was a child.

I can't remember what age I was other than I was a school child, and more likely junior school onwards.

I think it probably started as a treat when I first had chicken and chips with my family. I loved it, and still do today. So much so best friends would be able to win a prize if somebody was to ask them what my favourite meal is ever!!!

Anyway...... I agreed with Hubby that even this small portion looks huge, and started to talk about how I used to eat a normal size chips, chicken breast and pot of gravy as a child and would eat it all up! Also that I distinctly remember feeling so full and uncomfortable during the meal. However you guessed it, I never left a scarp. And also remember bread and thick butter with this!!!!!

As I talked about this with hubby felt quite emotional, not so he noticed as was not wanting a response. The feeling just sort of came over me and I just wanted to cry.

I love my family, and by no means did we eat this every night, but how could they let me eat all that. Why didn't they perhaps let me have a chicken leg with a few of somebody else chips? I also distinctly remember being the one who most of the time asked if we could have chicken & chips, and managed most times to creep round my uncle, who had the car to take me to the chippy. My scenario remind me of some of the overweight kids you see on TV programs where the parents either give them sweets, large meals etc. When the parents sense danger and cut back, the kids put on the emotional guilt trip so the parents usually cave in. After all to provide food for your child when they are asking for it is what a good parent does isn't it? RIGHT!!!!!!

I don't mind being the women who loves chicken of any description, but I now realise I probably use this 'meal' to make me feel better if had a bad day, as a reward, comfort etc. It probably takes me back when all my family were together, alive and well thinking about it like that. Of course now I have many comfort takeaway meals I can rely on as well as chicken.

I think of my own babies, and I seem to be getting more aware of when they tell me they are full, even if it looks like they have had hardly anything. I either try to leave it available as they are real grazers, or if eaten enough say OK and take it away. At the moment I am less worried about them. They are slim, prefer fruit and are active.

OK, further flashback..... I seem to remember that we had the chip meal in the evening when my uncle came round. That means I must of eaten after school time too!!!!! No wonder I was fat, I was probably lucky not to be so obese. I think this must be because I was in all the school sport teams, had a BMX and we used to ride for miles (once we rode to east Midlands Airport, lucky we not killed and certainly would of been if mother ever found out!!!!), took dogs a walk. All the things kids should do now, but stay in and watch TV/Computer etc.

I feel really sad and as I've said before, and know I will say this again........ Not for my girls!

Day 20 - Only 80+ To Go

2007-03-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

Just a quick one tonight as still not caught up yet from the hour change.

Had a busy day at work, nothing really of note and I am pleased I have finished for this week. Can't remember if told you I currently work PT Monday - Wednesday and it is alleged I have a work/life balance. MMMMMM? I guess that's why I am continually apologising for not being able to attend events and meetings which people arrange, say they really want me to attend but set them for the end of the week! Either that or I end up working mainly on a Thursday as well without the extra days pay and also foot the extra childcare costs or have to cash in yet another favour from friends or family (I am very in debt at the moment!!!!).

I have just had my last pack, had a look at the forum and shuffled a few papers around on my desk.

I went to my salsa class tonight (week 3) and really enjoyed it, in fact I felt quite alive with it. Felt the usual can't be bothered to go when I came home from work but really glad my friend and I attended. We are starting to learn even more moves as well as clapping during the sequences which tend to throw me out of my wood rhythm. Some of the men who rotate with us are learning too, other are a bit like wet fish and have the rhythm of Pinocchio.

I mentioned to my friend if she wanted to try squash as hubby refuses to do it anymore, so this may be on the cards soon. I miss it, although that makes It sound as if I did it in the recent past. The best I can say hubby and I did it in the past and pre children so that takes me back a fair while. Actually playing with him was not the best as I hate being the underdog especially with him, and I hate to admit he was actually better.

Off to bed xx

Day 18 - Back to Work!

2007-03-26T21:13:00.000-07:00

I've done it again! Caught up with everybody else on their BLOG and now run out of steam for my own.

Just a quick one I think tonight.

Returned to work which was OK and concentrated on a few tasks should of done before went on leave, so that felt good. Had millions of emails which only scratched the surface, same with my in tray. Bugger, just realised am out of office again all day Tuesday, and lunch provided!!!!! I know I can do this, but it's getting boring now and to be honest my heart is not in the day at all. Would rather be in office and use time to catch up. Ah well, better pack up my flask of hot water, chopped up bar and find something to read in my car. On a scarier note I realise I should of completed a task for the day and I haven't. Better look at that later.

My colleague at work also wants to loose weight. We don't know each other well so I haven't told her or anybody as yet. She had a lovely pack up today and I could smell the celery and fresh veg. I then had one of my soups and we got talking. She referred to me as Waisting Away Before Her Eyes and had noticed I have lost weight! He He.

I had to wear a belt on my trousers today to prevent them falling off, they were simply loose last week.

Cheese, you will not beat me!!!!

Am off to bed to read my copy of LOOK Magazine. It's a pleasure to look at fashion pages now as I really believe I can either fit in it now, or can buy one in only a short time.

Night Night xx

Day 16 - Weigh Day!

2007-03-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

Attended for the second week my new group and quite enjoyed it. People are starting to gel together a bit now and of course the weight is melting away.

This week we talked a bit more about Parent/Child voices in our head (Week 4) and I knew that mine had been talking quite a lot over the last week. Still feeling a bit aggrieved about my naughty voice telling me to eat a bit of meat or a slice of cheese either before a food pack or instead of. It keeps telling me that others have still lost!!! Bugger off. I reply in my Adult voice that I can do without the meat, and comfort myself that this will be the first thing I can eat when I maintain. Also knowing myself it would just be a very quick slippery slope into eating full stop, and I'm not going there.

On a really positive note I have lost -

1 Stone in 2 weeks, 2 days

and I am over the moon. I put on one of my wrap dresses Friday, and I was amazed that it wrapped round so much further than usual. It all feels a bit unreal at the moment as I look in the mirror and see me in the same shape. Again I think it's probably the start of voices telling me that another 84 days plus is not achievable.

I have faced some challenges this week, which would of been a problem before starting the program. As I said in a earlier post I attended a seminar and managed to avoid the food with relative ease, same also at a Home Building Show at the NEC on Friday. I managed to do over 10,000 steps that day and really enjoyed the day with Hubby and no kids. It was bliss for lots of reasons, not least as we met a great architect who we were impressed with. It seems the long search for one is now over, and I am also pleased if I'm honest she was a women.

Unfortunately back to work Monday and I can feel myself feeling a bit depressed about it. Previously I may well of eaten through the day. I like my job, I think it's just with all the leave/Training/Seminars I've been on, I haven't been in the office much. Oh well, will just have to prepare for a busy day. HEY IT PAYS FOR LL!

Day 12 - Gold Star Please ***

2007-03-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

Today I attended my conference which was quite lavish in terms of food ... Coffee and Danish upon arrival; more and then some for first break; did not see the lunch but speakers praised it; and then finally more coffee and variety of cakes for last break! By the way the Confernce was very good too and motivating.

I realised something today and with glee talked to hubby who seemed to get what I was talking about. I have a choice ....

If I want to be slim and healthy forever I can choose to make good choices, rather than perhaps having everything that is on offer. And unfortunately I come form the school of not wanting to miss out or feel somebody has missed me out. Hence I will have that danish etc etc because I've paid for it, everybody else is having one and life can't be fair if I have to miss out and so it continues.

I noticed in the last break when in the queue for my black coffee, that two slightly overweight men were getting excited about the cake available. I suddenly realised I can have a piece (once off abstinence and maintaining) but what I can probably not have is high fat food at all sittings on a regular basis and not expect consequences. I also noticed that at neither break was I hungry but realise had I not been on LL I would of had something at each sitting as it's part of the routine on a course.

I also realise that I do not attend a course every week and maybe even ocassionally I could get away with a bit of something at each sitting, but that would have to mean I could not go home and crack open the wine and go out friday night for a meal and still expect to have a saturday night takeaway too. I know none of this is rocket science, and believe me I have read books, magazines, listend to WW, SW etc leaders telling me this over the years however I suppose I never really belived it or fully commited to it.

Take a typical takeaway that my hubby and I would share. I would plough through eating what was my full share even when my stomach told me ages ago it was full (if I heard it at all) and even when I need to undo clothes and feel uncomfortable. Hubby will eat his and always, always leaves stuff on his plate. What a waste I cry. I am sure you are not surprised to hear my hubby has never been overweight and does not always understand the struggle which can go on in my head.

OK, that's enough rambling on now. I hope I haven't baffled too many of you with such drift. It is all starting to make sense to me.

On that note am off to make some crisps and try tobasco sauce hubby has bought for me.

TIPS OF TODAY

I really enjoyed the chopped up bar that I chomped with my black coffee at each break
I returned to my car at lunchtime and made my soup. As much as not knowing what facilities were at the venue, I did not want to be looked at either like a victim or be questioned at this stage in the game.

Day 11 - Just A Bit More

2007-03-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

I have just read from the beginning AJ'S diary on her maintenance plan on the forum.

I had to post at the end and told her how inspired I feel. It was so good to see as it happens the food choices available and that the diet eventually is not going to be restrictive. I so want to be able to have a healthy balanced diet which myself and my family can enjoy together. I also want to be able to eat out and have the odd takeaway. (which I am glad to see she sometimes does on a weekly basis).

I fully accept, although I know this may be hard at times that I can no longer eat the combinations and quantaties of food I sometimes used to eat (Crap one week, brill balance diet the next!). That's me an all or nothing kind of person.

AJ talked about forever having certain demons to live with and I feel this is so true, I just hope over time they will be less powerful and I can manage them. I never want to be fat again even if it means less 'freedom' food wise.

Day 11 - Back To Exercise

2007-03-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

Had a day off today and feel quite proud of myself. I dropped the girls off at nursery as if a normal work day (well I have paid for it!) and was eager to sort out my youngest bedroom. As the second child she has all the cast off from her sister & friends as well as a collection of too small clothes mixed in with current wear. Anyway I've spent all morning doing it and have sorted it into charity, rags, too small (save in event have another girl, highly likely as this family generally only makes girls) and too big to put in waiting to get bigger pile. Have another day off Wednesday, so may well do oldest clothes then. However I dread to think about all the clothes that will be making their way back to youngest until she is bigger!!!! Nobody will notice I did it unless point it out, oh well I didn't sigh up for motherhood for the praise.

Watched TV for an hour and really enjoyed Thai Flavour crisp with a sprinkle of salt and plenty of pepper. I am really loving them, but somehow feel like I am cheating.

Booked myself in for a Step class this afternoon which I really enjoyed, however I am aching. I could feel that I have missed a few weeks of exercise because I generally felt stiff, but .... being almost a stone lighter must be helping me because I could breath much easier. I even caught a glimpse of me in the aerobics mirror and thought I looked slimmer than usual. Not sure if it was a optical illusion or if I was hallucinating!!! LOL

I am at a all day event tomorrow and had a panic this afternoon about what I can do for lunch? I am not about to share my diet with a room full of strangers so I think I will just have to return to my car and mix up a soup there. I will try to remain strong at the x2 coffee breaks as there are always biscuits which I generally love.

SOLD .... I will take a bar, split it into two and nibble that with a coffee.

You know what, I am really going to get to My Goal this time, I can feel it.

Day 10 - Mushroom Soup on Mother's Day?

2007-03-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

A successful night had by all!

I tried soda water for the first time in the pubs we frequented with the St Clements. I have to say it made a really lovely drink. Like anything fizzy however after a few I felt a bit bloated. My friends were really interested in the diet and certainly impressed with the weight loss. Only very very small shadow on conversation was when I talked about probably going for it with a suitable goal weight. One said who is not much smaller in height than me (if at all) and who is on the ideal weight range, perhaps that would be too low for me to go!!

In the end I said I will see how it goes, but whatever happens I will reach the weight I want to irrespective of others opinions. Seemed pointless arguing the toss at this stage when it's so far away and I may well agree with them that 7.2 -9.3Ibs is too low for me.

We have also planned as an incentive for me and another who is on Atkins, that we will have a shopping spree in another town when we are a Stone down the line.

Well I can honestly say this is the first Mother's Day where I had a black coffee and a vanilla pack made into a mouse by hubby for breakfast in bed. Very impressed with the mouse, will have to try that again. It tasted like butterscotch Angel Delight, well near enough. Also had usual collection of home made cards and this year a non-food gift. Then popped to mother-in-laws with gift and cards and stayed for a few hours and had another black coffee. That was easy, but all that kept swimming around in my head was that we could take M-I-L out for Sunday lunch. So to be honest feel a bit deprived today or maybe its just the novelty wearing off.

Being honest I think boredom has a part to play. I have noticed that I seem to have much more time at home now my time is neither spent planning meals for everybody, ordering it on the net or going to the shops and finally eating it. Lots of my time must of been filled with having a bit of something to plug gaps while I was reading a magazine, watching TV, having a coffee, while I was cooking ..... and it goes on.

I think this boredom signifies it's time for me to get back to my aerobics classes which I stopped a week or so before doing LL.

Day 9 - A Night Out!!!!

2007-03-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

I managed to find a new class and attended today. They were on Week 3, however x4 were starting new this week, another came from my own LLC, so only a handful who were actually on Week 3.

The LLC seemed nice/down to earth and I seemed to get on with a women who wanted to start but her GP refused to sign the medical. Therefore she has got to see someone privately.

We watched that weeks DVD and later had a discussion about EGO States. Something about how our Parent voice tells us things like ...'Eat up your meal as others are starving'. We then went onto talk about how we can respond in a adult way to prevent us being influenced by others. It was all a bit rushed and I'm not sure if I would of known what she was talking about had I not looked through the chapter first. I think she had a hard job with new people at different stages etc, so hope will be a bit more structured next week.

On a much more positive note the LLC took my before photos, measurements and calculated my BMI. I am also very happy to report another 2Ibs off since Thursday weigh in. It's Working!!!

As I haven't seen Week 2, I borrowed a copy which I plan to watch over the next week.

I have a real challenge ahead of me this evening. I am going out with a set of mates and it has to be said we like to drink when we meet up. This night was arranged prior to the start of my diet and I fully expected nearer the time to cancel it, however they had already started talking about what we could do to accommodate my diet. Maybe I have underestimated them and I am willing to go it a go. We are meeting in one of our regular pubs at 8pm, and in preparation I have bought some St Clements today which I hope to try in fizzy water during the evening as a change. Not sure how much black coffee will be able to get hold of. I will have a shake before I go out and take my Bar with me as an emergency or on the way home. We usually have a meal before we go home after a night of drinking, so if that seems to be the plan depending on how I feel I will either join them for a coffee and bar or say farewell at that point.

Cross your fingers for me.

Week One - Weigh In Day

2007-03-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

Attended my Week One session tonight, and I am pleased to say I have lost 9Ibs.

I am really pleased with this amount and think I must certainly be in line for a stone off in a month. Hubby even seems to be getting the idea and said it would of taken me weeks to get that off in WW.

On a bit of a downer as unfortunately my counsellor is putting her groups on hold as a result of a family issue. Therefore I have been given the numbers of two other locations, but to be honest these are far from ideal. I just knew something was not quite right compared to others experiences, but just wanted to get started. Will make contact with new counsellor tomorrow and hope I can fit one of the sessions into my already busy diary. I was given the option of having my money back = eating food again, or taking another week which I went for. I've come this far! Am sad I had no counselling, but at least this has all happened at the beginning.

Symptoms -
today and yesterday after I was trying to get down as much water as possible and had a soup shortly before, was almost sick! Shocked me a bit and wondered if anything to do with lactose! Have decided once and for all to get a test to see where I am nowadays with the lactose situation so can hopefully stop worrying about it.

Day 6 - I'm Still Here

2007-03-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

Another day has passed and I find myself once again sat at my computer logging my day. It has become therapeutic and I hope for anybody reading as a current diary, or down the line who may be doing the plan offers some truth & comfort.

Have been to my first Salsa Class tonight with a friend. Really enjoyed it although I was unfortunately not a natural. Burned more calories than I thought it would and I will of course have a waist to die for at the end of it!

Last two days have presented a few struggles to be honest but still manged to stick to the packs without deviation. I went back to work on Tuesday after a prolonged time off, which is never easy at the best of times. However in hindsight I probably felt a bit stressed to be out of my home cocoon and what I had got used to. I noticed I had thoughts of nipping to the choc machine and getting myself something to get through the day and tonight as my salsa class was above a restaurant, I could smell FOOD !!!!!!! I should of had a pack before I went and maybe I would of been less panicked internally. I described the feeling to Hubby that outward I looked calm, but inside I was screaming - F..K, THIS IS HARD.

Anyway I dealt with it, went back to my friends pad for a black coffee, nice chat and came home for a chicken soup. I still have a bar to have, and to be honest its so late I'm not that bothered. I am unsure if I will self destruct if I don't have it.

Hubby came home with flowers yesterday and normal conversation resumed within the household, however under no illusions this will be until the next time. I feel (mostly) really in control of my life and sick to death of either being responsible or feeling responsible for people. Not that I want to change from being supportive. It's just as I have said before (and will many times to come) its drained me of any energy to do enough for me. Hence the Salsa, Gym, Reiki .... that said I have never been a recluse, although wanted to be so many times.

Looking forward to the weigh in Thursday night. Of course I know I've lost because I can honestly say I have stuck to the plan. I know I will also be disappointed if still lost the 6Ibs, ungrateful as that sounds, those that know understand where I am coming from on this front.

While chatting with my friend tonight ... I had a light bulb moment as I was explaining to her why Iwas doing LL (she is doing Slimming World, and already knew of LL as work colleagues have done it and lost loads - although not kept it off). Anyway I was talking about the 20 plus years of diets and where my head was at, when I gave her an example of being a young child and how this process probably all began. My mum had made us both a jacket potato with salad, and while she went out the room I put so much butter on the potato. I never did this while she was in the room as I must of worked out it was a bit greedy and wrong! Nobody had told me it was, as my mum was lovely and just wasn't like that. Anyway we then talked about foods we find hard to control, she said sweets and crisps as her mother rationed them to her and siblings as children (to try and give them a healthy diet). However the upshot was when she had the means to buy the stuff, she went bonkers on it. I talked about butter being one of my trigger food, and how if it's in the house it calls me to put it on toast in thick spread until its gone!

OK, you are way ahead of me I imagine. I realise my many Jacket Potato experiences as a child may well of brought me to my pack of butter episodes as an adult..... Ting, the light is on.

Day 5 - Early Morning Rant

2007-03-13T05:59:00.000-07:00

I very early pen to paper ....

Feeling a bit disappointed with Hubby! I've thought about whether I want to write about us on this BLOG before and sort of feel it's a bit disloyal. This is because anybody reading does not have the benefit of our history and how in loads of ways he has been and is a great H. Howver as part of logging my ups and downs and being honest ....

As said above I feel disappointed and let down at the moment by him. One example was last night. In between work, household management and kids I thought I saw a gap in the clouds to exchange a few words with him. I started off by saying I went to Reiki today and the therapist came up with a few interesting points. I then (briefly) told him about one thing which could relate a bit to him. To be honest it was all he could do to give me eye contact and feign interest. At which point he was walking off back into the kitchen mid conversation. How Bloody Rude! I then said something like 'thanks for being interested in my life' and turned back to the computer. He then said he just wanted to get his dinner (which admittedly he was cooking, but in my defence he had made his way into the lounge so must of felt his cooking could be left unsupervised for a few moments)!!!!!

I then just kept myself busy as I normally would and refused to include him any further. He tried to apologise, but by then (and I told him so) I was no longer interested in slightly more words than this.

Later he came to me for some paper and a pen (resources we have all over the house). I did not look at him or ask him what he was doing. I noticed after he had gone to bed that he was writing a shopping list and I assume planned some meals within this!!! Great stuff.

I think things are going to change around here

Have woke with a not quite sore throat, but sort of a blocked nose. Finding it had to swallow.

Day 4 - A Day Of Two Halves?

2007-03-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

What an earth is wrong with me?

Went to my midweek weigh in today and lost 6Ibs in 4 days. This sort of weight loss I know is great, almost half a stone. So why do I feel like crap and can feel myself wanting to eat and get out of control. I suppose being on LL is where it is different to anything else I have tried. If I was eating food at this point, I am sure I would of put the toaster on, eaten a couple of the kids cheese strings and got the wine out. I also assume this is the emotional eating/hunger I hope to get to the bottom of as I do not actually feel hungry!!!!!

I realise my perfectionist traits are not helping as I generally feel that I have not achieved enough. A friend of mine has started a less serious version of Atkins and lost half a stone in two weeks. I also met a women at her Week 1 weigh in and she was disappointed she ONLY lost 6Ibs over the week.

I know whatever way you look at it, we have all done well because its come off and not been put on. Maybe down the line I will actually feel this as well as being able to acknowledge it.

Have been for my first Reiki session this afternoon. I'm not sure what to make of it. For anybody that's been and knows all about it, I felt real warmth in some areas and cold in others. I know I felt rested when it finished and afterwards the therapist talked about my problem areas. Nothing radical and actually seemed to make sense, although I was unsure if I was trying to make sense of it (if you know what I mean?). Not sure I went to the session for any other reason than to take time out for me. On that basis am going to book another type of treatment on my next day off using a voucher I got for my birthday almost a year ago and actually spend it on me.

In terms of physical symptoms I felt well and quite energetic this morning. Woke up quite promptly without the sluggish, can't be bothered to get out of bed feeling. It was all good to be honest until the weigh in!!!! I think in future I am not going to bother with any pop in and just concentrate on the weekly weigh and counselling.

PS. I also weed on the stick to reveal a pink result (no pregnancy) but I am in ketosis.

Will go and speak to my online pals now and share my weight loss.

Thanks to all who have posted by the way, it makes this long road a little easier to travel. Sam xx

Day 4 - Weight Loss Chart

2007-03-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.tickerfactory.com/weight-loss/wFQFLuO">My Weight Chart:

Day 3 - I'm Actually Not Eating!!

2007-03-11T21:21:00.000-07:00

I can't believe its Day 3 and am not either nasty, sneaking food or keeling over from lack of food!

Just had my last pack of the day while hubby eats a McDonald's. He tried to redeem himself by telling me it tasted crap, however apart from the smell which brings back eating memories I was not that fussed that he was eating.

Water has been much easier to get through today and I am really starting to enjoy the control I have at present. Hope it lasts as I know the fall from this positivity would be great!

Only had a very slight headache but mostly felt good. I even had some energy to do the end of week House Cleaning Panic because the place is a tip and we all need to give it a quick tidy before a new week begins.

As it's Day 4 tomorrow, I will see if I can pop in to LL to make sure I am on track and also check for hopefully a good weight loss so far. I have the day off Monday, so have booked myself for a REIKI session (never been before but been wanting to give a try for months). I thought I might be feeling low and wondering how I was going to stop myself eating the entire contents of the house while everybody was at work, school & nursery by now. However not wanting to tempt fate, not sure I am going to feel like that.

On the downside have been feeling cold and a little sleepy at times, but nothing of concern.

Feeling a bit flat now. Not sure why as ....

I am following the plan with relative ease
I can see light at the end of the Diet Treadmill Tunnel for the first time in many years
Have found some great people on a weight loss forum in the same boat. The support has been fantastic
Likewise have been able to read and post on other peoples BLOGS which has also proved helpful

So why do I feel a bit flat?

Who knows!

As I write the last line, I immediately wonder if its because I will have to create a new story for myself..... Rather than being the Fat Friend/Wife/Mother/Sister/etc who loves a takeaway, a laugh and who scrubs up alright despite her size....
I may actually for the first time since, god knows when be the person I ought to of been in all areas of my life.

A scary thought despite dreaming of it all my life. And what is sad was when I first started dreaming about being the right weight/size I was a child and then a young women who was not fat. Just a different shape to my friends. I could cry about all the time wasted and more than anything I am not going to let my girls get on this treadmill.

I hope the counselling is good and I have a number of light bulb moments. I must admit a quick flick through the Foundation book leads me to believe it is a well thought out program and not some sham not really getting to the root of the problem.

But hey, will have to see and keep you all posted.

Day 2 - Boredom!

2007-03-10T19:31:00.000-08:00

Here I am again, this time at the slightly earlier time and not feeling as rough as I anticipated.

Had what felt like a hangover headache when woke this morning and at some point that went as I feel fine now.

Had the luxury of husband and children going out for most of the day to see family. Rather than trying to cope with various dilemmas at this early stage, I decided to stay home, chill out and wait for the headache to subside.

I had a sleep, read some of the Foundation book (I love the true stories of others who have lost weight and more importantly kept it off), and watched x3 episodes of The Closer stored on NTL, well Virgin as it is now. I missed them as soon as they went out the door and immediately thought about making a coffee and grabbing a snack to go with it!!!!

Had first pack about 10.30am, and happily lasted until 3.30pm for the second. Saturday night is normally take away night and if I let myself I can imagine all the options available, and how I would perhaps just have a bit now I know abstinence. YEAH RIGHT! What has been powerful is that I realised I was either wanting something out of habit/boredom or like yesterday would of popped some of the dinner I was making into my mouth ......

Because It Was There.

Well nearly at the end of Day 2 and have x2 packs to get me through. I may look at some of the recipies you can make ... I'm sure somebody said you can make a cookie or muffin. Have also nearly got through the minimum 4 litres of water = many trips to the loo.

Day 1

2007-03-09T22:44:00.000-08:00

Well it's the end of day one, and I can soon go to bed safe in the knowledge I haven't cheated!

On the downside I have a dull headache, feel tired and probably should of gone to bed hours ago. I just wanted to get this BLOG up and running before the moment passed and all the days merge into one.

Husband made himself a crayfish and avocado salad which looked & smelled nice. However to say I have eaten nothing to speak of, I was surprised I had no need to wrestle him to the ground for his meal. It must be working already!!!!

Had a few scary moments today when I made my children's tea. Usually I would pick at the scraps or perhaps try a bit as I served things out. It smelled lovely and I had to remember not to eat on autopilot. I know it's only day one, but my positive feelings gave way with thoughts of previous failed diets/health regimes. It's a slippery slope I have too often known of convincing myself 'a little bit won't hurt'. Even if I manage to hold it together that day, it plants the seed of doubt which I find really hard to get back into a positive mindset. Maybe it is easier to leave food for a while so no room for MODERATION.